The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I finally succeeded in detaching myself completely from my AH. I probably didn't do this in the exact right way, but it is working. I met someone else who lives about 40 miles from me and I've been spending some time with him. I am not crying on his shoulder or using him as a crutch, but it is nice to spend time with someone who isn't drunk all the time and cutting me down.
My AH knows that I have been hanging out with someone else. He says he is very hurt by this and I said that I have been hurt over and over by his drinking. He said that he drinks because I leave him alone all the time (I work a full time job and two part time jobs). I told him he drank before I had the other jobs; he drinks whether I'm there or not and I wouldn't let him blame me for his drinking.
He also compared me to "psycho", his last girlfriend. That's what he calls her. I told him I am not screaming in his face, hitting him or throwing things around. I said just because someone thinks he has a drinking problem doesn't make them a psycho.
He said that I left him alone while I was out with this other guy. I said he was not alone because he chose to go to the bar (which he lied about) and I found out anyway. In fact, he was so drunk that night he could not find his way out the door and he DROVE like that! I told him that I am disgusted that he pees and craps the bed when he's drunk. I told him it's not normal to drink that much and he doesn't seem to understand why I would be disgusted by that.
He wants us to get this loan together which will pay off our debt and be part of the house payment. I don't want to do this, but he is trying to be very nice to me so I'll do this loan because he can't do it on his own. He knows I want a divorce and we talked about living as roommates for awhile, but I don't think that is going to work either.I want a clean break from him and his debt and alcoholism.
I have detached and I no longer care what he does; he could even cheat on me and I wouldn't care anymore. My feelings for him are gone. It's wonderful.
When I first started here, I felt like I was facing the hardest decision of my life. Should I stay or should I go? But making that decision was so joyful. It helped me to realize I was capable of doing things for myself.
Have you got a sponsor? Are you going to open, face to face meetings? Do you have a bunch of Al-Anon Literature to read? You said that you have succeeded in detaching yourself from you AH and that you are considering entering into a loan with him. That takes the idea of detachment out of the picture. When I got into this program and was separating from my alcoholic wife, my sponsor told me to give up on the idea of getting into another realtionship for at least 2 years. I of course didn't listen and knew better anyway so I got into another relationship and another bummer and then another until I finally made up my mind to build a relationship with my HP, myself, my sponsor and my program for the next two years. I spent the time looking at myself and understanding the part I played in my problems and also how I had hurt others with my behaviors. I use to blame all of the trauma on the alcoholic. It was impossible for her to be the sole reason for my problems. No one person could have ever had that capacity and time to screw my life up. I was responsible and I played the biggest role and when I looked at the problem times in my life I found alot of people except for the one person who was always there...ME!!
Yes she (we were) was sick, very sick and the consequences were really messed up. Yes I was hurt by what went on...all sorts of crazy stuff, and she was hurt by me also, deeply at times and painfully. Not even an alcoholic should have been treated the way I at times treated her. Change came with the courage to listen to others in recovery, take suggestions and focus on learing about the one person I had lived my entire life with and knew nother about...ME!!
There are only my experiences and suggestions here. Take what you like and leave the rest is what we say after our face to face meetings. What ever happens is a consequence of your choices.
Keep coming back and "Easy does it"....slogans are great.
One of the most useful things that was said to me when I first came to alanon was "work on keeping your own side of the street clean". Another was "do the next right thing". If you keep a clear and honest eye on your own actions and motives, you are unlikely to go wrong. Stay strong, remember you have a right to do what is best for you.
