The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Don't know what to think, what to do. I go crazy thinking about things so I try to pray a lot. After confronting AH with the cell phone bill he claimed it was only a friend, that they did date while we were separated this year (I left) but now they were just friends and she has a boyfriend. I have NOT checked the bill online as I was doing last week. It will drive me nuts - and he will do whatever he will do. When I think about it, I know that it doesn't matter what they did or didn't do or talked about, what is ruining our relationship of 17 years is his disease. That is why I left this year in the first place. But I just don't understand why he called me, begging me to come back after two and a half months, landscaped the front yard and was sober 40 days, and then began again (and was talking to her this whole time).
Well, yes I do know why. He is sick. He is lying, not working, he feels guilty. How can I be compassionate if he is going to someone else for listening to his woes or whatever they are doing? How can I live in the same house with him and believe him anymore? Don't know. Sometimes I am strong, getting better this week for sure.
I have to make plans. I have gone to two f2f meetings this week already, and went to a friend's house that was in need. I have to stop this desperate need to CLING to him, so he won't go see her, so he won't drink, etc. I have to just make plans for myself, and don't worry about things. I am okay on money to pay bills by myself for a while because he is not working. He tells me he is sorry constantly, and at least is trying to get a job.
What the future holds I just don't know. Things have changed so rapidly this year, and it is like a tornado. Then we had a good day together, like old friends, on Monday. We rode our bikes together for 16 miles. It was a GREAT day with him, and I felt like healing was taking place. But then he drank afterwards.
I have to take care of myself, but guys, I am really not used to it. I am used to hovering, worrying, and center around him. He was my whole world, and now it is really changing. I am changing, I can feel it. It is scary but it is necessary for my growing into a stronger person....
Thanks for listening to my feelings, love you all...
You and I are very similar in many respects. I do very little for myself that someone else does not consider the right thing to do. For so long I thought that was what made me special, all that selflessness. Truth is the one thing I touted as my claim to sainthood is one of my biggest defects. How about that for brutal self-honesty. Deep down if you believe you deserve it, you can make it happen.
And you do deserve it, we all do! So while you are letting the tornado blow itself out, do something nice for yourself and don't think twice about its effect on anyone ...but you!
Take care of you!
__________________
"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
It's always easier to take care of others rather than ourselves. We are the caregivers, especially us women. Bit by bit we learn to be good to ourselves. Baby steps. As I read your posts, I can hear the strength in your voice. I am very proud of you. Keep up the great work.
Love and blessings to you.
Live strong,
Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
__________________
It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
Oh Heidi, I get this feeling of depression, but yet you are at the top of the pit with your little hands hanging over the edge, just pulling yourself up. sounds wierd I know.
How painful to have to think about him talking to another woman. Aism is hard enough without that kind of misery.
Remember he does not think he is good enough for you. NO excuse but the A side of him needs someone in the pit with him.
I know how you feel. I too felt as one with my A H. Sadly mine was snatched immediately. I didn't have a chance.
Does not matter either way it hurts horrible.
Sadly as they cont. to use hon, they get further and further away. I was just thinking how many of you, your A still wants to be around you. My A cannot be around me when he is using.
Well you are pulling yourself out, I see that. The more you do for you the better. I hope you can find your own interests, more meetings would be great.
Today I spent the day in two thrift shops. Just let the time pass as I was snooping around. Kept getting this tug like I was suppose to be somewhere. Then would tell myself, nope you are fine where you are.
Felt good to drive up to my home and know it was a happy place. Not someone inside who was miserable and griping and negative.
Thanks for the share. change does feel creepy and leaves me feeling insecure also however I have enough time in recovery to know I won't be afraid of it. Just gotta share with you a little item from the past that changed my whole outlook on relationships. When I first heard it I got mad and fearful and ran away from the person who was telling it to me. It was stupid and not true I told myself and then after sometime thinking and meditating about it I came to accept it as my truth. This attitude with the people around me, no matter who they are reads, "I love you and I like having you with me...but I don't need you." This is what helped me learn responsibility for myself and break my dependence on others for my security, happiness and anything else I wanted them to be responsible for. Today I can live with out holding others responsible for my happiness or sadness. I can be successful because that is what I desire without doing it so I can offer it up to another. I can ask for help from others without chaining myself to them out of neediness. I can give myself to others and have a time to do it and a time to stop. I can because I want to not because I need to. Today I am free and allow other their freedom also. Thanks to this wonderful program I may have never gotten the opportunity to suffer thru that change and would be bound to another alcoholic.
