The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Well I am new to this have been to a couple of alanon meetings but have difficulty getting there with 3 kids in tow who can't sit still for 5 mins. much less an hour. My alcoholic addict husband is stranded somewhere in Arizona and I get the collect calls begging for money. It's a very very long and sad but at times amusing story. He left NC last Monday 8/29 to take a job in California this at the same time I am moving into a new house I just rented to get away from him. I didn't realize he was drunk, it's getting harder and harder to tell and he said I had to pick between him and my 11 year old daughter (they have not gotten along for years). That was the last straw. I realized then that I had to do something I couldn't keep putting my kids through this it isn't fair to them so I took all the money and moved out! Of course when he left he took the truck and of course everything but the house is in either my name or both our names. I have been through this over and over and over and I wonder to myself when am I going to get it and realize #1 He's never going to change #2 it only gets worse and #3 probably most important every man I have picked since I was 15 has been an addict or alcoholic or both (and no my dad wasn't a drunk). I am in a new area where I have NO friends, NO family and NO support whatsoever. I'm trying really hard not to feel sorry for myself. Last night and the night before when he was begging me to wire money he said he was going to kill himself...he can't live without us...he has to be with us...mind you he just got out of inpatient treatment about a month or two ago. I could go on and on and on but it feels good just to vent and put it out there. Someone please tell me just don't take the collect calls anymore!!! That's my plan and I am going to try really hard to stick to it. I can't afford them and I have 3 kids to feed. His last check from the job he got fired from is coming and he wants it wired. I want it to pay the power bill at the old house. He told me to deposit it but scared he will use it against me later. Oh well his mom is coming to stay with me on Saturday maybe I'll have her sign it. LOL Sometimes the insanity is just so much I have to laugh at it. He took $800 to go from NC to Cali and then called from arkansas for more...the company he was going to work for sent him 500 and he disappeared for 4 days. the day after i file a missing person report he calls asking for more saying he doesn't know what to do crying that he is stuck outside las vegas. the next day he's in flagstaff on his way back to nothing. I just want a normal life. Is it wrong to laugh at his misery after all he's put me through? I feel bad for him but I just don't want to do anything for him anymore and I feel guilty about it.
so glad you decided to join our family - sounds like you really have your hands full - I think you will find many of us have been in the same situation you are in and I hope that you will find a better way to live here. Many of us have.
May I suggest first to take a moment to just breathe - to stop and relax - to take a deep breath. Your post sounds like your heart is racing ninety to nothing.
Just focus on the Next Right Thing and One Day at a Time,
and Keep Coming Back, don't give up before the miracle happens in you - You deserve it!!
Rita G.
__________________
No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
First thing first. Welcome I'm glad you found us. Also congrats on picking your daughter over you AH. I think you made the right choice. I personally would not take anymore calls from AH. I also would not tell him where i live I wouldn't want him to show up. Sounds like your moving forward. It O.K to laugh looking back a some of the stuff I use to do I laugh now to. Keep coming I find it hard also to get to face to face meeting. They have meeting here online try them.
Hello Carolina u said it all when u said u have 3 kids to feed , u have done enough he has proven he can't be trusted . you deserve to be treated better and shown a little respect. If aman asked me to choose between my kids and him he looses that is not a choice it's insanity. I know it's hard to get to meetings perhaps u could find a church tht offers drop in day care and find a meeting durring the day . It would be a sure fire way of meeting new people in your new location . good luck keep the focus on your needs . Louise
I have also lived with an A who works but never has any money. That is quite a double bind. This room will help you a great deal not to feel alone with this craziness. I can get so wraped up in the A's chaos, projections, needs and dramrama I lose myself. This group helps me to ground so so much.
You have made some amazing strides especially with three little ones!
If it were me, you bet I would take the money and pay bills. I am sure he has spend plenty on drugs and will spend more.
A left his pickup truck here when he went to jail. Guess what? I gave it to our son. too bad.
they NEEd to be miserable remember? Let HIM figure out the mess he is in, it is the only way he has a chance to grow up.
Mine is on the streets, I won't give him anything, nothing, not ever his tools he left here.
You can make your phone not accept collect calls in the first place so you won't even know when he calls. Then ya don't have to decide and be tore up every time. The more time, the more alanon you give to YOU, the better you will feel and the easier it will be to do the right thing, and do not enable him.
He can work, he can figure it out how to get where ever he needs to be. I am sure the disease needs some money, u bet it does.
I hope you cont. to get well and take care of your kiddo's. Keep us posted.
Meet people at meetings. neighbors, parent club at the school. It will be ok. love,debilyn
The best that any member of this family could do is make suggestions based upon their recovery...what worked for them. So let me suggest that its okay not to take the phone calls. That was sooooo hard for me to learn cause I was sooooo addicted to her and wanted so much to hear her voice, see her face, touch her...blah blah blah. I was so addicted to her..enough!! It sound like you know about yourself and this disease of alcoholism. So it isn't just his disease you play a real part in your consequences. I came to that realization during the step process. There is alot of humor with this disease so go ahead and laugh and not only at the predicament that he is getting himself into but also how you desire something good for yourself but end up not getting it. Kinda like a mouse wanting cheese and ending up with an rubber eraser.
Its hard to do the right thing when I am so into the habit of just doing what I am compulsed to do and the convenient. I hated feeling guilty and did those things that resulted in guilt. Get back to meetings, find a sponsor, work the steps, traditions and slogans, read bunches of literature and of course do not let the children or yourself leave the palms of your Higher Power. Nobody's ever gonna love you like your HP does...never.
Speaking for myself I am more greatful for a mother that comes period--I have learned how to deal with the kids. I remember one time, one of the kids was like sick really bad, cried miserably through the whole meeting. But the dad was pie eyed the whole time and she couldn't garentee the kid would be okay. So speaking for me, and from what I've heard from old timers. I encourage you to go to the meetings any way.
I also think that your honesty is fantastic. Maybe you could limit how many phone calls you take a week. Or maybe take phone calls only if he's sober. I know when I think in all or nothing terms I've reached a despiration point. Like the "fix engine" light on your car? Mine would be "fix life! NOW!"
I also think that you're doing great reaching out, reading the literature, and being honest about what you're willing to do for yourself. Keep it up.
