The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have not spoken to my sponsor for quite a while. She is out of town on an extended holiday. One thing she did say to me was that when I got ready to leave the A he would put a lot of obstacles in my way. Lately he has been staying home all the time. I want to go through all my stuff and get it organized. He stays home, makes huge messes, causes chaos and if he does go out it is for like 10 minutes. What happened to the guy who was out night and day. Every day he says he is going out all day and every day he is home all day. The irony is that I used to want him to be home. Now I would just rather he went out and left me alone after all the only thing he can do at home is a) sulk b) scream and rage c) use substances or d) feel sorry for himself. I used to believe that I could "help" him now I don't. I think it was rather grandiose of me to believe I could make a difference. He was an alcoholic addict long before I met him and will be long after I leave him. I feel he has absolutely no interest in sobriety on any level and does not see he has any problem with anything. His only problem according to him is "me".
I work at night and he has started making tons of noise in the day time. He stomps around when I am sleeping. He also starts shouting when I am sleeping and he makes sure to wake me up. I think that is malcious and vindictive but I may be reading a lot into it. I certainly know I don't appreciate it nevertheless I do not shout back at him. I have given up the shouting, the pleading, the begging the asking him wha't wrong. I know what' wrong and there is nothing I can do about it I know that now. Needless to say that makes me exhausted but I am exhausted and not defeated. Nevertheless I keep right on with plan b which right now is to declutter and to keep on task. I have gone through my papers and got rid of tons of them. I am still going through my clothes and stuff and organizing them. The papers will be done in a few days. I am meeting with a friend shortly in the next week to see if she can store some of my stuff and when I do meet with her and see the space I will get an idea what I can take and what I can't. And most of all I just keep on turning over my fear and my anger and my grief.
I don't say anything to the A about going or doing anything. I just keep on acting on my plan b. I make no mention of my plans at all. I don't believe he knows or even considers I might leave him at the same time it feels like he was never home this much.
I can really relate unfortunately. I don't know if I agree he doesn't "think" he has any problem but you. My AW flops back and forth between "you deserve better... I am nothing but problems for everyone" straight to "you are boring, I hate your work, and I hate you for trying to label me!" all in the same 5 minute conversation.
He probably feels all sorts of things, scared you are really leaving, mad that you think less of him and pissed at himself for not doing anything about his adiction. Hell I have lots to not like about all this, but I don't have all that hanging over me.
But when the day is over it doesn't matter cause nothing changes if nothing changes. You are getting better and he is not. You are planning a new life, and he is blaming you for the past.
I hope you can hang in there and get your stuff done. Best thing you can do for you.
Take care of you! You deserve it!
__________________
"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
The A does not know I am leaving. We have a landlord who is always telling us at some point he will sell the property so he thinks I am getting ready for that in the far off future. I would not tell the A I am leaving because he would use that as an excuse to act out.
I really do not talk to the A anymore. I have very brief conversations with him. I have no conversations about him or what he is doing. And I do not know what he is doing either. He cannot afford to be sitting home for a week doing nothing that is for sure.
I think when "my sponsors words are haunting me" what I'm really saying is that I knew in my heart that the truth would show itself. I knew that X or Y or Z would happen and I knew that A or B or C would be the result. So on the one hand I'm upset--I never like self fufilling prophecies--but I'm also relieved; where's the bonafide psychic's when you need'em?
I think the best thing I have found to do in these situations is to use the solutions my sponsor has taught me, too--what was the key to serenity she kept hammering? What was so significant she wouldn't give in on? Meetings? Slogans? Steps? Then live it.
