The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I'm SO grateful for the Al-Anon program, it has helped me SO much in the 8 months I've been coming to meetings! I've started working the steps and have a sponsor, and I love love LOVE this program!
My question is about making major life decisions -- in particular, whether to marry my boyfriend. He's been sober for one year now, goes to AA regularly, and overall things are pretty good between us -- but when we get in arguments, it gets so ugly. We both get totally into our diseases, and at those moments I think I have to end this relationship. When things are good, I'm happy.
I guess what I want to know is just, do people have experience they can share about how they went about making relationship decisions like this? If we were already married, I would just be focusing on how to work my program and try to make the relationship work. But since I haven't yet made that commitment, I keep asking myself: SHOULD I join my life to this person's, permanently? How do you decide something like that?
I'm feeling really lost about it, and I have trouble trusting myself, or trusting that the answers will come to me. I have a LONG history of denial, so I'm worried that I'm telling myself a lifetime together would work when it really won't. I'm also fully capable of just passively going along with things indefinitely, and wasting a lot of time with someone even when it SHOULD be clear to me that it's a dead end. I don't trust myself much....
I'm feeling some time pressure because I'm 36 and want to have children someday. So it's hard to think about these decisions without worrying that - if we break up - time will run out and I won't be able to have kids with anyone.
Then again, maybe all this is just another obsession. Aaack -- I can't tell!
Sorry if this seems as rambling as I feel -- I'm just really worried about this decision, and I have been for a few months now.
My mom used to say, "you get married when it makes no sense not to"
Take good care of yourself, love yourself enough to trust your wonderful God-given intuition, which I call, "inner vision." You can't love anyone else if you don't truly love yourself, and you can't hate or judge someone else unless you hate something about yourself, or carry some perception about yourself that you hate. Drop anything you could ever say after the words, "I am" that would limit or carry a negative perception of yourself. They aren't true, unless you give them the power of being true by focusing on them and keeping them alive in your consciousness and thus your experiences.
The more you love yourself, the more love you will find coming to you, and then decisions regarding keeping love close to you and growing together in love and in joy will be much easier. You'll find so much love between you two that "it makes no sense not to.." be together as one.
Allynon, My personal opinion?? If you have to ask other people, the answer is no. If you aren't sure, the answer is no, If you argue and consider ending it, then no.
You will know for sure when the answer is yes. When there is no question.
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
I think that your doubts are telling you something, and you should listen to them. They may only be saying 'wait' rather than 'no' - only time and honest working on yourself will tell.
I can say that rushing into marriage because you want children, and rushing into having children because time is running out, are not good reasons for making such major decisions.
Speaking honestly, I can say that I could have seen it coming - the disaster that much of my marriage was. I knew there was something seriously wrong, with him, with me, and with the way we were together, but I just chose not to look at what I knew, and rushed headlong into a painful mess. Now we have teenage children whose lives have been seriously affected by the insanity of their childhoods - we can work on repairing that, and we can work on healing as a family, but some of those scars are probably there for life, and will be passed on to their children.
Hi Allynon, and welcome to MIP! So glad you found us.
"If we were already married, I would just be focusing on how to work my program and try to make the relationship work."
"we get in arguments, it gets so ugly. We both get totally into our diseases, and at those moments I think I have to end this relationship. When things are good, I'm happy"
Since you have been going to Al-anon for 8 months now and have a sponsor (good for you!) you know we don't give advice. I would like to just share some thoughts about myself though. I had a hard time prior to al-anon realizing that I didnt need other people to make me happy. In fact, I thought it was my job to make others happy and vice versa! Thats what I thought a relationship was.
I have learned now that my happiness is my own responsibility and it is not my responsibility to make someone else happy. Doesnt mean we can't be happy together by no means...it just means I CAN'T make someone be happy. I also have learned to trust my "inner vision" as Mac called it. I denied the feelings inside of me so often if they conflicted with MY will. I have since come to believe that often times these "gut feelings" come from my HP and I need to listen to them. If I have an important decision to make....and I just can't make it today with a fair amount of good feelings about it....i choose not to decide right now. I can choose to set that decision aside for now and come back to it when the answer becomes clearer to me. If the decision is something truly important that may affect my life dramatically, well...I just don't want to rush a decision like that unnecessarily. I pray about it, and give it to my HP's consideration, and wait for an answer to present itself to me.
Hello Ally , no one can answer your question for you ally , this is your life . Neither of our programs AA or Al-Anon offer any guarantees that a relationship will last or that sobriety will be permanent. It only promises to return some sanity to our lives .
I know that if I continue to focus on my needs ,not do what I ahve always done I will be okay regardless of what he is doing. I have learned to trust God an myself .
Meetings and a sponsor will help get rid of the anger u feel when u start to disagree , we have a rule in our house he dosen't get to take my inventory and I don't get to take his.
I heard along time ago to take my problems to a meeting and come home with a solution. that works for me. Give the relationship to God and get on with your life . see what happens . Louise
dear an welcome, if you have had months of alanon, then you know that most all A's relapse. Do you want to have your babies, kids around that?
It gets so much worse as they get older. It is a disease, it does not go away.
I also know from my experience, when ya get married and you are sure, you are sure, no questions. You would not be questioning it if you wanted it.
I had friends who had kids into their forties. Things have changed. You just have to be more careful.
It is not really rational to go into a marriage becuz you want kids. I would never bring kids into an A marriage. NEVER. But that is me.
I don't even want my animals around it. You have not had babies yet, I tell ya, when you do, you will be so protective of them naturally, with an A, omg I just cannot imagine. do you want to fight like you do now with a precious baby there?
I love my husband, have all my life. But An had I known what I do now, I would not have married him. NO way.
He was sober several years, strong AA program, sponsor, headed meetings...now he is on the streets with nothing, depressed, sick and very alone.
I am glad you are here. I always say if a person says I just don't know, well they don't know so don't make any decisions.
listen to your heart, thats the only think i can say. I'm in similar situation, but not completaly. My Abf is going trough seperation and we are planning future together. We know it will come and he would love to put the ring on my finger. I said no until his past is sorted. I would love to say yes, but life has been difficult to me. But i know in my heart i will go trough this with him. i know from him he wants to stay sober, he lost too much and this is his change to grab better life.
I have been married for eight years and I love my AH. He was drinking heavily before we got married but I was in denial about the extent of his problem and thought that I could "fix" him (classic, eh?). We have a 6 year old daughter who is the center of our lives. We would love to have another child, but I refuse because of the turmoil of his disease, and he understands this. As much as I love him and our daughter, if I had known then what I know now, I am not sure I would have gone through with the marriage. The emotional, financial, and health ups & downs are a burden that I would have avoided despite my love for him.
When my AH was in rehab last year he learned that alcoholics drink to cope with the problems of life. But, the problems are still there when you sober up, and you have created a whole new set of problems because of the drinking. The spouse is not shielded from the problems. Basically what I am trying to say is that living with an A makes life a whole lot harder than it needs to be.
I don't know if any of this helps, my A has never been sober for more than 30 days at a time. Just sharing my experience! Good luck with your decision
Well, the fact that you're questioning this tells me somewhere in your heart you're not feeling too keen on the concept of a lifetime commitment to a person that you know has a history of instability. The fact also that you're not too keen on his history of behavior says your not too keen on being in a committed relationship long term.
About the kids thing: more women are getting married later. Having kids later. Doing everything later. Don't listen to your biological clock. It's only a ticking sound. Not a bomb.
My outlook is different because it isn't in my best interest to have anymore kids. But a lifetime with my A. I would do, but something we would have to talk about would be alot of work on both our parts for example: sober and clean for atleast 2 years (that way we can get to know each other all over again in a healthy way), both stable in a job for atleast a year and a half, both be in a program either working it together or apart. Because in order to marry my A, I would have to feel like he wanted to get healthy as much as I do. For me it is an important part of my life now. Because I am trying to stay healthy and get stronger in the program. That is just how I see it. Take what you want leave the rest.
As always, the people here have given you some great advice. When in doubt, think it out. With the exception of the 2 wonderful children that I have as a result of marrying my A/DA husband, there is no way I would marry him if I had to do it all over again. We did have 12 (of 22) good years while he was able to stay sober, but in the end it was hell and had a very sad and tragic effect on me, my children and I'm sure him as well. I stayed thinking it would get better, but it only got worse and now my children are 17 and 20 and they've been through things that they should never have had to go through. I loved my "A," and stood beside him until it just got so out of control that he was abusing me. Anyway, listen to your heart... do some research, pay attention to the red flags. If it doesn't feel right and you are questioning things, it's best not to rush into anything. This life is hard enough under normal circumstances, adding alcohol addiction to the picture doubles, triples, etc. the problems. Take your time... don't let him rush you into a decision. Best wishes to you!!! I do believe there are SOME people who can stay sober, but there's also a lot that don't make it. My Ex has nothing now... he's lost everything he had and has even alienated himself from his own children. It's a horrible shame.
From my personal experience I would say that once you get married things go downhill and the guy changes for the worse so if you are marrying hoping he will get better or stay the same I wouldn't count on it. Throw kids in the mix and that creates a lot of stress (I have 3) When you think about that think about raising them alone. If you are willing to do that then at least you are going in with your eyes open. I am one year younger than you and have been with alcoholics since I was 15. Those two things I can say for sure from my experience. My mother always said if you don't know there's nothing to know in regard to relationships.
Getting married is a big decision. You're right to give it serious thought...esp. when you're considering marrying someone with a history of addiction. A previous post was right -- it is a disease... and it doesn't go away. it only stays in remission as long as the affected person works the program (and the addict stays clean and sober). And that means you working the program as well as your boyfriend.
Don't be afraid to take your time and don't settle. What is it that you want from marriage? What kind of qualities do you want in a husband? Does this guy have those qualities? And, don't get married to have kids or b/c of "the clock". (I had a baby when I was 43 and he's fine!).
Well, I would say... pray about it. Maybe not pray about whether or not you should get married, but maybe pray for some solution to how you and your beloved quarrel. Maybe you and he need to have some discussion about the quarreling and where that comes from... maybe some counseling would help you both. My husband and I went to couples' counseling before and after we were married.. and sometimes we went alone. Between the two of us, there was alot of baggage and unfortuantely we often drug it out when we fought. It has taken a long time and alot of mistakes to help each of us shed our character defects... and we still have a ways to go.
There have been many times during my 10 year marriage that I wish I hadn't married my husband. We've even been close to separating once. Those were times when I wasn't doing my work in al-anon and he wasn't working his program either. If your A boyfriend even comes close to relapsing... I would say seriously re-consider the relationship. The only reason I stay with my husband is because he is constantly evolving and getting closer to the man I think God means for him to be. When he works his program and he is being/living as his authentic self -- I can say he is the right guy for me. If he relapsed, I think I would have to leave him b/c I have set that boundary for myself and for my kids. I couldn't live with an active alcoholic/addict and I don't want my children being around that in the home. I just know that about myself. You have to say what you mean and mean what you say -- so to me, that's a very serious thing that I might have to encounter one day. I hope I don't have to -- but I know I have to stick to that. If your boyfriend relapsed... have you thought about how you would handle it? What if you were married -- what do you think you might do? Would you want to be married to someone who is actively using?
No one can tell you what to do. You have to make the decision yourself. But what you can do is be very serious about your program and work it , work it especially hard when the relationship goes through a challenge like a fight. I have found that when I get mad, I will quickly drop my al-anon and pick up my old ways. Recently, I have found working the third step of turning my will and my life over is more related to turning over the way I deal with things... my willfulness, my stubbornness -- esp. when I'm mad and feel justifiably so. Does that make sense?
You are wise to ask questions. You are wise to have your eyes open to the realities of who your beloved really is. Keep coming back and keep working the program. I wish you all the best and peace be with you.
