The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
i did something really stupid. i can't even justify it in my own head, that's how blatently stupid it was.i slept with my ex. no protection, which for me is about the dumbest thing i have ever done and that is saying alot. so, i'm scared. god only knows where he's been or who with. but all i can do about that is take the next right step and get tested. i can do that, i've done it before, a couple of times. but the alanon issue is that he smashed thru everyone of my boundries. but i think that was partly because i was never clear with him about my boundries. i think that my boundries are so common sense that he'd just know. or that they were boundries we shared at one point. i know that all sounds ridiculous. i am having trouble with telling him no. no, i will not pick him up, drop him off. no i do not want him on my computer at all. no, i don't want him to talk to the kids about his take on our situation. and no, i don't want to hear one word about his family, his "friends", or what he does when he goes out. it upsets me and puts me in a place where i get jelous, angry, and manipulative. i don't even want him here. i don't even care at this point if he sees the kids or not. i'm not at all angry with him. i am angry as hell at myself. he let it slip that he got his 14 year old son (by a previous marriage) drunk!!! then he says he hopes he's around for our kids so that they are ok!!! what???
i keep praying asking god to put good people in my path, people that will help and be healthy. it seems that i keep getting people that re-inforce what i do not want. if i had any doubt before about my ex, that has been completly cleared up for me. his lifestyle is the complete oppisite of mine. without judging him, it is concrete in my mind that i do not want any part of his lifestyle. i now know i'd rather be lonely.
i got "carried away" with him in the moment and i really just wanted that. in the moment. and then he could leave. but he stayed. he is like some sort of black mold that just keeps taking over no matter what you spray at it. i guess i'll have to get out the gloves and scraper and get tough. it really was all about me. what i wanted. and i got it. and i regret it. i gave it up to god and then god was taking too long so i took it back. i thought after 3 and a half years i might be able to do things right for me. talk about falling off the wagon! i fell and bounced off into a ditch.
i really don't feel like i can tell anyone else about this. i couldn't even bring it up at my home group last night. i do feel bad that i know taking care of me will hurt him. he is no innocent but he is sick and in his sickness he just wants to be loved and taken care of. i can relate. but not at the price i would have to pay to be with him. i'd rather take care of myself. if this is what an a feels like after taking a drink i can see why they just keep drinking. there is a little part of me that thinks (just like it used to) it would be much simpler to just let things unfold. take what i can get. but the real me knows that wasn't the solution before. i tried. for years.
i know this was stupid on my part. i just had to get it out and i know here someone will understand.....at least i hope so!!!
Please don't be so hard on yourself!!! It is so so hard when you love someone. I think we stumble in this program a lot because these people we love are sick, and we are only human, remember that!!!!
I agree with you with the challenge of setting boundaries. I don't think I ever knew how to do that in my whole lifetime. I am finding that it is SO hard to say no, and sometimes when you need love it comes in the form of sex at the time, so we just take it because we think it is love, does that make sense?
You are strong, I can tell in your post. You seem to have let him go already and know that the life he leads is not healthy for you to be involved in. Good for you to go get tested, it is humiliating I know (I just had to last week for suspicion of infidelity from my AH) but it is good to take care of you.
I read somewhere the other day that when you pray, you should not only be asking God to take away your worries, fears, anxieties, need to control, etc. but to also HELP you let these emotions go. We are human and we will always be afraid, confused, angry at others or ourselves (most of all I find). The trick is to let these feelings not consume us and ruin our days!!! Our minds can get going and make it so much worse.
I was asking God to take these defects away, but not asking for help for ME to feel them, and then to let them go. Prayer, prayer and more prayer is what helps me. Also meditation and just being quiet. And always reaching out to someone else REALLY helps, helps you to forget your situation for a while and you do a good deed.
You're NOT stupid, and you are not alone. I am so glad you feel like you can vent here and you did. It is really hard to say really personal things like that in a meeting. Thank God we have each other here, and the program.... keep hanging in there...
I will pray and send good vibes and thoughts your way(((())))))
I am glad you came here to share this with us. That is not stupid. Heidi said some wonderful things and I agree with her completely. We all long for the closeness with our spouses. If you look at that sentence by itself, why would anyone feel the need to apologise for wanting the closeness of the one you have loved?
This is a crazy world we have to deal with. It makes the rules very odd and hard to sort out. Be gentle with yourself, and take lessons from what you feel you want from the experience. I know that my HP has forgiven me for things much worse that having a moment of passion with someone I have loved for years. (I wasn't always this calm ... <smile>)
Take care of you! You deserve it!
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
Easy does it there. We're all human. Just because we've asked our A's to leave, doesn't mean that in our hearts we've stopped loving them. We're human beings with human fralities. If I told you how many times I've slipped..... Well let's just say it's a good thing that I've got a lot of padding!
Live strong,
Karilynn
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
serendipity, You seem to know what you don't want (as mentioned). Have you asked yourself what you DO want? My sponsor once told me her secret was to figure out what she DID want, then surround herself with like minded people and was better able stick to her goals.
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
