Al-Anon Family Group

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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Where to start?
Post Info TOPIC: Where to start?
valentine


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Hi.  I am new to this forum and am writing to ask for some input from those of you who have been through this before.  A good friend of mine has a drinking problem and i'm not sure what to do about it.  I've spoken with another good friend of mine, who is a recovering alcoholic (and lives in another state), and she advised me that I can't do anything for her, that she has to be ready to take the first step and do something about it herself.  The problem is, nothing is changing, the situation is not getting any better, and she seems to be no closer to wanting to find help for herself or even admitting that she has a problem.


My friend has already gotten one DUI but this did not seem to stop her from drinking.  She does drink more at home now than she used to, or gets her boyfriend to drive her so that she can drink as much as she wants.  I've stopped inviting her to my parties and to happy hour with other friends because she gets so sloppy drunk and becomes very mean and aggressive toward others.  I have some friends who won't come to social events if they know she is going to be there.  Another good friend and i have already sat her down over lunch once and expressed our concern about her drinking.  She basically told us that she appreciated our concern but that she has the situation under control.  This was almost a year ago, and the situation has not improved, in fact it seems to have gotten worse.


She seems mainly affected by wine, which is also always her drink of choice.  If there is no wine available, and she is drinking beer or even mixed drinks, she seems to be able to control the amount she drinks and keep it within moderation.  However when wine is involved, she has no judgement and will keep drinking as long as it is available.  I am told by her boyfriend that she regularly drinks more than one bottle on her own.


She is going through a divorce, which she is also using as an excuse to drown her sorrows.  Her drinking seems to have gotten worse when she began having problems with her soon-to-be-ex husband.  They have been separated for many months and she now has a new live-in boyfriend.  He has told me on several occasions that whenever she gets home from work before he does, she starts drinking and is sometimes smashed by the time he gets home. 


She is emotionally abusive to him and he's not sure what to do about it either.  She says very hurtful things to him when she drinks, and has terrible mood swings even when she's not drinking.  Another friend of ours and I have offered to get together with the two of them, and sit her down and have a non-confrontational talk, to bring up the problem she is having with drinking and offer to help her with it, by attending a meeting, helping her get enrolled in a program, or whatever step she is ready to take.  He's not sure he's ready to do this, i think because he knows that it will change their whole relationship.  Perhaps he's not ready to admit the severity of the problem either.


I would greatly appreciate any input that any of you have to offer.  I'm really not sure how involved i should get in her personal life, but it seems that she's not ready to take control of the situation on her own and appears to need help if she is going to get herself on the road to recovery.  She is a good friend and I want to help her but also need to make sure that she is willing to do the work that no one else can do for her, so I don't want to spoon-feed her too much.  Thanks so much!



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rtexas


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((((Valentine))))


It is never easy to see someone you care for be sick.  And your friend is sick, and not in contol of the situation.  Until she decides to get help she is stuck in a terrible cycle.


To be honest you have done what you can do for her.  You lovingly expressed your concearn, and after that.... it's up to her.


This program is to help those effected by another person's drinking.  When you really care about someone who suffers from this disease, many of us begin to have issues ourselves.  They say this is a family disease and it effects everyone.  So this program is for you.


Here is a link you may want to read.  It comes from a Al-Anon pamphalet. 


====>  http://www.bendfeldt.com/alcholism.htm


I found if very enlightening. 


I hope you will continue to post here and do a little research for yourself, this program can help anyone and the folks here are just wonderful.


Take care of you!



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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
twinmom2


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Valentine,


Welcome to MIP, this is a great place to come to when you need to vent or just to let your feelings out.  I'm sorry your friend is struggling with A'ism.  It is a nasty disease.  Best thing you can do to help is educate yourself on the disease, go to Alanon face to face meetings, post questions and feelings here, and take care of you.  Your friend is on a journey as well and no one will be able to change the course she is presently on except for her.  Sometimes people have to hit rock bottom whatever that might look like before they can accept or admit that they are A's.  What I'm learning in my experiences is that even after someone has accepted they are an A doesn't mean they get right into a program and decide to get spiritually and emotionally healthy.  A'ism is a disease and there are many symptoms to this disease that are behavior patterns, emotional problems, loss of coping skills, little to no insight into themselves or a HP.  All this could change if a person decides they really want AA and to work on the steps.  No one can force another person to make those hard choices.  The intervention you spoke of could be beneficial for a person if they are willing and ready to admit they have a problem.  After you have attempted to intervene and its not received well there is nothing you can do for your friend; except use your boundaries with her in a loving way. 


Good luck and keep posting you may find the answers you are looking for right here.


Take care,


Twinmom~



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"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
lin0606


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Sadly, you have already done just about everything you can do for her. Nagging, confronting, and forcing solutions on alcoholics does not work -if it did there wouldn't be any alcholics around, as we have all tried that! (and tried it and tried it)

Now you need to work on what you can do for yourself - we call it 'detaching with love'. It is possible to care deeply for someone with this disease, while still protecting yourself, and avoiding enabling.

For instance, it is not 'abandoning ' her , to stop inviting her to social occasions. You have the right to not have an unpredictable drunk at your parties, and she needs to see that her actions have consequences - in this case, she loses social contacts. However, you do this in a loving manner - not by dropping her like a hot potato, but by saying clearly "I care about you and would like to see you, but I can no longer be with you at an occasion where alcohol is served." At alanon, we say "Say what you mean, mean what you say, but don't say it mean". Some of this can be very painful, and a hurt alcoholic will often lash out at you, but try not to take it too personally. They are in so much pain, often they are just spreading the hurt around.

It is very difficult to watch someone you care about kill herself with drink. There really is very little you can do. Here is a useful peice of alanon literature, that I find helpful:

THE ALCOHOLIC SPEAKS TO HIS FAMILY - I am an alcoholic. I need your help. Don't lecture, blame or scold me. You wouldn't be angry at me for having TB or diabetes. Alcoholism is a disease too. Don't pour out my liquor - it's just a waste because I can always find ways of getting more. Don't let me provoke your anger. If you attack me verbally or physically, you will only confirm my bad opinion of myself. I hate myself enough already. Don't let your love and anxiety for me lead you into doing what I ought to do for myself. If you assume my responsibilities, you make my failure to assume them permanent. My sense of guilt will be increased, and you will feel resentful. Don't accept my promises. I'll promise anything to get off the hook. But the nature of my illness prevents me from keeping my promises, even though I mean them at the time. Don't make empty threats. Once you have made a decision, stick to it. Don't believe everything I tell you; it may be a lie. Denial of reality is a symptom of my illness. Moreover, I'm likely to lose respect for those I can fool too easily. Don't let me take advantage of you or exploit you in any way. Love cannot exist for long without the dimension of justice. Don't cover up for me or try in any way to spare me the consequences of my drinking. Don't lie for me, pay my bills, or meet my obligations. It may avert or reduce the very crisis that would prompt me to seek help. I can continue to deny that I have a drinking problem as long as you provide an automatic escape from the consequences of my drinking.Above all, do learn all you can about alcoholism and your role in relation to me. Go to open AA meetings when you can. Attend Al-Anon meetings regularly, read the literature and keep in touch with Al-Anon members. They're the people who can help you see the whole situation clearly. I love you. Your alcoholic.
From: ''3 VIEWS OF AL-ANON

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valentine


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Thanks to all of you for your wonderful insights...I will learn all i can about this disease and will try to be more direct with my A friend in my communication.  I suppose it doesn't help her if she doesn't know the reasons why her friends are spending less time with her.  I can tell that this is not going to be fun...i tend to be the peacemaker among my group of friends and always smooth things over when others get into little spats.  But in order to be honest with her and do all i can to push her toward self-awareness, it sounds like i am going to need to grow a tougher skin.


Hope you all have a great week!



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