The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My A continues to Drink and drive, even after his last dui distroyed us and has still not been settled, I just can't believe he keeps doing it. I came home from work and he went to work out drunk again and took my car. What kind of mental defective works out drunk. We had a boundry of not drinking and driving he can't keep it. I sit here so mad I could spit. I'm trying to control my anger for when he comes home. I don't know what to do. Please advise any one. Thanks. Should I confront him?
What was the agreed consequence of his breaking a boundary? They are no good if nothing happens when they are broken. THis is a terribly dangerous situation as you know. It's time to take a stand. Drinking and driving is the thing that drives me most crazy, so I divorced my A, got him insurance of his own, and put the car he drives in HIS name only. I keep the keys to my cars to myself!! I still worry that he will harm someone...or worse...but at least I am not responsible for his stupid behavior. Good luck. I know what it feels like to be in that situation.
Diva
__________________
"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
I know how you feel. My AH has had two DUIs in the 17 years we have had together, the first one he totalled our only vehicle and we had to walk everywhere or bus it. I am fairly new here but I have learned that the disease controls them. They have no control over anything they do when drunk. I used to be an active alcoholic so I know. That is what "scared" me into sobriety, I drove for who knows how long in a blackout and "came to" with someone in my car that I didn't know. I have been sober two years and some months now.
I don't know what to tell you except to have a calm conversation WHEN he is sober. There is no use in arguing or talking to someone when they are drunk. There are tools you can learn in ALANON to take care of yourself and to set boundaries. Does he have his own car? Maybe you can state when you have the conversation with him that you would like your keys back (if he has keys to your car) so only you have control of it. I know I worry all of the time because though AH and I have separate cars, he only drives his but my name is on it also. I worry so much about him hurting someone else, and/or himself.
I know that feeling of being let down again, and again. The truth is we have to look at our alcoholics as human beings, that are ill. Some good books are "Getting Them Sober" by Toby Rice Drew (very very helpful and you can order it used on Amazon.com - or any ALANON books.
Please keep coming back here to read and post. I will pray for you and your A. This program takes patience and persistance and time, but we are here for you.... there are very great supportive people here. Welcome.
Before ever "confronting" a person, I always check my motive. I always stop and look at who I am or what I am looking to gain by being in a confrontation. I also need to think about when I do it, what or how I will say what I will say. Often times, whenever I feel as if I "need to confront someone," what I am really looking for is control.
Thank you for your kind words. I will wait until he is sober to confront him. My A has 2 dui's in 9 years. I would like to take the keys back but it will only make things worse he wont go to his court odered dui classes at the V.A. hospital or to work. I want him to get insurance in his name. His truck is broke down and we cant afford the gas so he is driving my extra car. It makes me so nervious when he drives I can't stand it. Thank you all.
Yes you DO want control of your car. This is not a game of why you are confronting or whether you want to be in control. OF COURSE you want to be in control of this!!...This is serious stuff, and I can see you realize that. I cannot understand why anyone would suggest you back off and study the situation. Your motive is clear. While you look to see what you have to gain, the A could KILL someone! *rolling eyes*
Just venting, Diva
__________________
"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
If no drinking and driving was an agreeement you two had, then he has violated it, and you will have every right to ask for your keys back.
When setting up boundaries, remember that you can't really put a boundary on someone else's behaviour, only on your own - you can't say "Don't drink and drive", but you CAN say "I will not allow my car to be driven by a drunk" or even "If I know a drunk is driving, I will call the cops" (though many of us find that a hard one)
It may feel like it makes things worse if you take the keys away, but would you feel that way if he killed himself or someone else when driving drunk? Talk to him when he is sober, and let him know that you mean business, otherwise this will torment you over and over again.
I used to let it go and let it go, until finally the night came when he was going to take my 10 year old son on the motorcycle with him, after dark, just blotto drunk. All of a sudden I grew a backbone, fast.
Much love to you. I know how you feel. once when I told A he had to go and within a few minutes heard sirens, I was so filled with fear thinking something had happened to him, it didn't but I was blaming myself. The behavior of an A is very dangerous to others and themselves...I don't want to cope... I want out and my heart aches for you and all the others who are going through these nightmares
The A I live with becomes belligerant about this issue. I must admit I was in tremendous denial about it for a long long time. Now I refuse to go out with him if I believe he is drunk. I think the setting and boundary and meaning it is the catch 22 and it has to be meaning it up to leaving And sometimes the option to leave is not there for some of us due to economic and other reasons. When it is there for me I will exercise it. I maintain I am not responsible for the a's behavior he is an adult. The consequences of his behavior do affect me and they affected me for a long long time. I wasted a lot of time remonstrating with him. He was always going to do exactly what he wanted till he didn't want to anymore. Maresie.
Remember too, that A's don't like boundaries or consequences. So, whatever boundary you decide to set, when he throws a fit it is basicly manipulation to make you cave in. Set your boundaries and consequences in stone and make sure you can stand by them. It can be a tug of war and once you give a little it's all over. You'll give and give because he, like a child will learn quickly your boundaries mean nothing.
Good luck Christy
__________________
If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
Aloha Kingston! I've got a sponsee that impounded the car so that his AW could not drive. Won't work in your case as you only have one but that was how far he was willing to go. She got sober for a little while, relapsed, dui and property damage. This is usual for a non-recovering drunk. What I did? She got in the car, I called the cops and gave them the info and the location. That worked once. It can still work. Just a suggestion though that will work for you, the alcoholic, the community and maybe the car also.
thank you all for your words of wisdom! Well I confronted him and he denied it of course, he said he had drank hours before he drove that was a lie he was still a little buzzed. Well later in the evening he had a baby tantrum about all my rules etc... Blah Blah. I'm so tired of the bull crap it is so draining. Reading everyone's poast and response has helped me over the past month. Thank you.
I can tell you how someone can work out drunk...they do it badly...
My husband does lots of things drunk, although working out is not one of them...yet. SIGH!
He has done worse things though...drunken driving being a big one and then there is drunken bike riding, drunken lawm mowing and the worst...what I call "Drunken Home Improvements...an Oxymoron" sigh.
I am with Diva here...when it comes to your car it is not about emotional confrontations, we are talking legal liability here. You can lose your car and a lot more.
My husband has his own car, only in his name, that only he paid for and he pays for his own insurance on it and that is the car he drinks and drives.
I disagree that they have no control over what they do drunk, I have boundaries and I have enforced them and he FOLLOWS them even while drunk. Of course this only works because they are MY boundaries, what he could do with my car (when I had one, it has since died). I don't put boundaries on his own things that are legally only his.
We keep all of our money separate so if he gets into any trouble it really won't affect me as I really don't have anything, LOL. Even when it comes to our home I things worked out with a lawyer in a way that I won't lose the house if he gets sued for liability for anything. When I was working full time and had money for major purchases like furniture, etc. I wrote my mom a check for the full amount after having saved for it then had HER buy it for me in her name so it is not marital property and can't be touched if he were sued.
My Mom and I had a lawyer check all of this out and he says it should hold in court.
You have to protect yourself...
I have to say that now that you have already let him drive your car at will it will be very difficult to get him to stop. He likely feels entitled.
I can tell you what a friend of mine did in a similar situation. When her husband was passed out drunk she took his key to HER car and filed it down with a file so it would not work in her car. That way she kept him from driving it and avoided a useless argument with a drunk. LOL! I think she is a genius myself...
Anyway, he kept asking for her to make another copy and that was when she set her boundary. Then she hid her copy of her car key in her sock at night so he could not go make another one OR take hers. It was a lot of trouble to keep taking the key on and off her keyring, but hey, it was not for long, he finally got his own car in order.
I have found that you sort of have to treat alcoholics like toddlers. "Control" them by controlling the environment. And I don't mean control in a sick way, I mean control in a healthy and good way, as in keep them from violating your boundaries and stealing your stuff.
Better to just remove the cookie jar from a toddlers reach then try to explain to them why they should not eat cookies until they throw up. Better to just fix car so drunk can't drive it then try to explain to a drunk driver why drunk driving is not a good thing. Either effort is useless as they just will not "get it".
I fully agree with Isabela! This is a legal issue that could reap lots of consequences upon you. We all need to do what it takes to keep ourselves protected legally from the actions of the alcoholic. We need to be part of the solution, not the problem.
Thank you, your are all right! I need to get the car in his name or take it away.we are not married but have been together for almost 13 years, We do share a house although it is now in my name but, I still face the possibility of losing it due to his bad credit. They have already got judgments against him. Our money is also separate although he doesn’t have any. It's so sad he has changed so much, he use to have his own business and make tons of money when I started dating him. Now he has nothing. Thank you all for your support.
"We had a boundary" sorry but expecting a practicing A to respect that is insanity on our part. I am sure they mean it when they Promise but most either don't remember or just think they are so clever they can get away with it just one more time.
He is only doing what A's do ,drink and not think of the concequences. Lower your expectaions of a practicing A they simply can not deliver .
What can u do ? nothing about him but alot u can do for yourself . I hope uare attending meetings for yourself . good luck Louise
Just had to share a portion of a news article about a convicted drunk driver that had 12 previous DUI's and ended up killing a couple of college kids as well as seriously injuring another one. He was sentenced to 38 years in prison..... however.... it is the portion about his girlfriend that I though would be worth sharing......
Fuhry also sentenced Cline's longtime girlfriend to six months in jail on Wednesday for her role in the wreck. Karen Hensley, 50, of Troy, provided Cline with the truck he drove the night of the crash. Cline lost his driver's license years ago and has collected a total of 34 suspensions.
The judge called Hensley an enabler while doling out the maximum sentence for her misdemeanor charge.
The court system is not only getting tougher on the alcoholic's but on the "enabler" too.
I agree with Diva as well. Your car your keys and could be your liability.
My husband also drinks and drives, he believes that he drives better drunk than everyone else drives sober. He has had 5 DUI"S over the years and one accident that almost killed him yet he still does it.
My rules for this with no exceptions are that he does not drive my car and he never drives our children unless I am in the car and he has not been out of my sight at all.
It might sound mean, but if he wants to kill himself, I cannot stop him, and God help me I cannot control it if he harms someone else either. It would be his fault and his responsibility. I did not give him the license or the car, or the booze.
Bt I can control wether he does it in my car, and I can control what he does with me or our children.
I don't bend on this one at all. I can't. Do what you have to do to protect yourself.
My A continues to Drink and drive, even after his last dui distroyed us and has still not been settled, I just can't believe he keeps doing it. I came home from work and he went to work out drunk again and took my car. What kind of mental defective works out drunk. We had a boundry of not drinking and driving he can't keep it. I sit here so mad I could spit. I'm trying to control my anger for when he comes home. I don't know what to do. Please advise any one. Thanks.
Should I confront him?
Blah Blah. I'm so tired of the bull crap it is so draining. Reading everyone's poast and response has helped me over the past month. Thank you.
