The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
After another crisis situation with AH, I sank into a horrible depression last week. I snapped out of it and I have been reading a lot, going to a lot of face to face meetings and getting out of my isolation. The roller coaster is not ending soon it seems.
What I have realized (thanks to all of you and the program) - is that our fears can rule our whole minds, take over and paralyze our bodies and emotions. Fear can take you hostage and make you think the world is ending! I truly felt so low last week and my mind was spinning out of control, constantly. I finally came out and started interacting with people, and trying to get on with MY life instead of worrying about whether or not I am ready to leave him, whether or not he ever will seek recovery, on and on and on.... your mind can spin until it is so low you can barely think. I have reached a place (at least today) that I don't actually KNOW what is going to happen, all I can do is survive, and try my best to really care for myself, when all I want to do is CLING to AH and protect him. It is not working so why do I keep doing it? A lot of times even in my mind I am clinging desperately to him, I can't let it go to God.
Thank goodness for the Alanon literature. It is saving my life right now. It is so important to reach out, you guys. I have felt so crazy the last week that I really thought I would never be happy again. Now I am feeling some joy and peace, just from taking a step back and taking care. It is SO important, I think a matter of life or death.
So, please keep reaching out, posting, helping others or asking for help. That is what this program is here for and there are a lot of people hurting out there. Thank God we have this program, and each other...we strengthen each other. We can learn to walk through anything, build our courage and live wonderful, precious lives that we were meant to!!!
I am so happy for you! This is such a pile for one person to take on, and what I hear you saying is you will take a step back and get yourself situated, then take it on a piece at a time at your pace. Couldn't get much healthier than that! Doesn't mean it still doesn't hurt, but it doesn't have to kill!
Very proud of you for pulling yourself up. I have been there and it is so hard. I wish I had this group to support me back then, but my HP was saving it for when I was really on my knees apparently. LOL
Keep taking care of you! You deserve it!
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
I have lived, ate breathed fear with the A. Fear that he would destroy himself. I still do that. Rent is due and i don't know if he will pay it. This time I will not step in because I do not have it and I am tired of bankrupting myself to be betrayed. So this time I have an out if need be. I always needed the "out" of course but in my illness, in my codependence I put identifying with him and my dependence on him before my own welfare. Of course since I grew up in a dysfunctional hope I did not have much of a measure of self preservation.
