The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Its been an emotional weekend and holiday for me. Things at home have not really gotten better in fact for me they got worse. My A's attitude towards me all week was defensive and negative. I did my best to tune it out and continue with my recovery and taking care of myself. Then Saturday I got the strangest feeling that something was going on behind my back. I was right. My A decided to phone his girlfriend he had while we were seperated. I found out because I heard a little box rattle in the bedroom that he usually kept his pot in when he smoked. I opened it and found directions to her house and a phone number. I called it and spoke to her, again. Turns out she's moving back up north with her son to be closer to her son's father. (Abusive relationship as well). She said he called her out of the blue and she told him she was leaving. She said he asked to come visit her to say goodbye so she gave him directions. She said she doesn't know what his intentions were for calling or asking to come see her. Long story short, I confronted him about this he says he just wanted to say goodbye to a friend nothing more than that. Says he loves me blah blah blah. I didn't really lose it until later that evening when I remembered him telling me he'd break it off and asked me to never bring it up again. Well, that's been pretty hard when I keep catching him talking to her it reopens that wound right up for me. He has always found the right words to say to keep me appeased, and I've believed him because I didn't want to admit that this thing between them is just not over for him. Well I guess I'm willing to admit it now. He says he loves me and might be miserable but would never cheat, he just didn't realize how painful it was for me. The most painful part is that he kept it from me. Someone who's not up to no good doesn't keep something from you.
His actions do not line up with his words and as much as he wants to be sweet and tell me he loves me so much I just can't buy into it anymore. I'm not willing to stick my neck out anymore to have my heart trampled on again. It took me a while to realize that I keep doing the same thing over and over hoping for a different outcome but that is not the case. All the energy I've put into fighting for this relationship has been futile. I've been obsessing today about what it is I'll talk about in counseling on Thursday and I guess the only thing I can do is be honest about what's going on in my heart. I can't continue this relationship with a man who has no clue what he wants. He does not have my best interest at heart and in the five years we've known each other we have not achieved trust, stability, or honesty. I would rather take that undying devotional I've had for him and put it onto myself and surround myself with people who really care for me and love me and are able to be loving and gentle with me. I deserve that. I don't deserve this pain or emotional abuse. My A will be left to make choices for his own path, my path is just to push forward with my plans to get healthy and focus on me and the kids.
Thanks for listening,
Twinmom~
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"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
since leaving my "A"...which was in no way easy.... by far it was the toughest thing i had to do... it was like he died and i lost him... and i knew deep in my heart it would never ever be the same again even if i went back...which i didn't..
i cant give u advice hun.. only emotional support...but my case was somewhat like urs...praying for a different outcome every time "A" fails... and never getting that miracle we are craving...
looking for the impossible..... in my view.
u deserve sooo much better than this.... i have built myself up strong...emotionally and mentally... but its because im THINKING OUTSIDE THE BOX now...... is very hard to make decisions whne ur IN the situation..isn't it.
im here for u...day or nite.... just send a msg.....
i booked a holiday to new york for november.... for 5 days...something i always wanted to do... a shopping trip for ME!... happy time for ME. i wish i could give u a great big hug and make it all better... and i wish could promise you that u will gain trust back.... but in my case i knew... i could only take soo much... i refused to be a doormat any longer..... i was jealous of all the happy "normal" couples...doing their thing..when i was trapped in chaos that i was trying to control and failing miserably...with a person who has his own problems..
good luck in ur choices twinmom...im here if u need me xxxxxxxxxxx
It is always so crushing to find that things are not as they seem. I have had this happen a number of times. Since coming here I can have the comfort of knowing that for some A's it is simply beyond their ability to think on the same plane as other people.
Seeing stuff like that happening in my life, I always thought I was going crazy, that maybe the earth is flat?
It hasn't made it 'easier' to accept, but it has taken some of the shock factor away.
My heart and prayers are with you guys! I know that you will do what's best for you, and whatever that is we are on your side.
Take care of you!
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
Often times, person do not change their deeper patterns until they are faced with intense consequence. Losing their "safe" relationships; losing their jobs; feeling ruined emotionally and spiritually.
