The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
This past week we got a notice on the yard that it had to be weeded and trimmed up. The A did 5 minutes of it then declared the mower is broken. Keep in mind that he says that the weed trimmer(2 of them) another mower and now this mower given to us by the landlord are all broken. And he has umpteen excuses why he cannot fix them. This last week it has been that his back is hurting so the whole labor day weekend he has been in bed watching TV, playing games and resting. He has also in his spare time been shouting and blaming me for everything.
In the past I would ask the A 101 times when he was going to fix the mower. I don't actually think there is anything wrong with the mower I think he doesnt' want to do it...no matter what the consequence because after all his only vocabulary is "poor me". So today I just went out in the yard and worked for 3 solid hours weeding and trimming by hand. I just did it and gave up on asking the A. I don't "need" another notice from the landlord. I am already speaking to the code inspector about the notice we got. So I just let go and said why bother?
I am going to work on not letting the A's perennial chaos and need to be the 'victim' affect me as much. I am not even going to mention the weeding to him. Why bother? He is off in his never never land about how hard life is for him that he doesn't have servants and people to see to his every whim. He may never ever be responsible. I don't think he has ever been responsible in our entire relationship. After all its always someone else's fault...
There are still some things I cannot do on my own and I am working on them and asking people for help who can help me rather than hit me or lambast me or shout at me. I am working on letting go and seeing the A for what he is, a drug addict/alcholic by choice. I may have lots of compassion for him and his issues but I have lots of compassion for me and my issues too. I am willing to work on myself and my issues. He is not. I have to remember that no matter what spin he puts on it he is not, he never has been and he never will be by the looks of it.
This weekend he did all this complaining that he thought he had a heart attack..again. Then he goes out and smokes tons of cigarettes and I think he is out right now getting either drunk or loaded. I guess he is on track to get one but this last heart attack was indeed all my fault as is everything else. Every is so much my fault that he can't do dishes, get out of bed, get a side job (he could have worked all weekend rather than complain about the didn't have money). I am so very powerful I would think that I would at least be able to delay the sun coming up by now...
Anyway I am off to work again tonite and tomorrow I am hoping that I will have the house to myself for once because having the A around in his cesspit of selfpity is not much company at all. And I want to get on with my decluttering without his declarations of how terrible his life is every other second or his dramatic claims that his back is broken.
hi Maresie, I too mowed the lawn today. I was tired of "reminding" my a, so I started in. I kind of enjoyed my progress. I am finding instead of fussing, I have a better day if I just do something I'm expecting him to do. If I start to resent it, I have to quit. That is my boundary. Your decluttering is inspirational. Best of luck ---Jill
I know the frustration of "do as I say, not as I do." What it really says, the message it really sends is, "I don't feel comfortable in my own skin, with myself, so I'm gonna control and complain and...."
to me, what I thought of when you shared about working in the yard, was "Wasn't that great exercise?" I know people that do yard work for their cardio exercise and they use the time to clear their head, to meditate, to focus. Of course, if you're like me, thinking is not a good thing, so if I do something like gardening or something like that, I need to be completely focused on what I'm doing. Other wise I'll waste all my energy on the resentment and not on the task at hand, which is very physical and all. And you know, I've found exercise to be great in dealing with the alcholism period. It gets out alot of my anger in a safe way and it's good for me.
And I too am always at fault.
Wow it must be a spreading. Good Luck! 