The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I've just found and joined your site. I'm having another bad night! Don't want to bore you all with the ins and outs but something's not sitting right with me and i can't put my finger on it. I've come to realise that I'm 50% responsible for the dynamics of my alcoholic marriage and there I'm stuck. I don't seem to be able to change anything, I'm still sitting wondering what I should do. Is there something in me that keeps me stuck and what is it? I think I cannot allow myself to make mistakes and so I let others dictate my destiny because I'm scared. I know my marriage is not a healthy one and is not providing help to either of us, I think we're actually enabling each other. I get to be the boss for a while after he's fallen off the wagon when he gets back on he's boss till the next time. Am i making any sense? I want to be comfortable in my own skin and at the moment I'm not.
Knowing that something is wrong and wanting to be comfortable in your own skin is a great first step.
Liking myself and being comfortable in my own skin are the two greatest gifts I have been able to give myself, and I never would have been able to do it without Alanon. I'll be honest with you, it took a long time, but it has been worth every second and every bit of work.
Letting go and detatching have been the hardest for me. I am a perfectionist, and I always demanded it from myself and others, but I was hardest on me.
Welcome, if you read, work the steps and reach out to the people here and at face to face meetings, things will get better for you.
Hello Paula , welcome to Al-Anon l hope that u will find meetings for yourself , this truly is too much to handle alone. You will learn about the disease your dealing with and how to stop enabling his behavior. Your right u do have a part in this mess and Al-Anon will help u recognise just what to change and how.
there is nothing ucan do about his drinking but alot u can do for yourself again that u will learn in our program. Getting your life back on track is your first priority so that u can begin to be happy again regardless of what he is doing . With the help of this prog and the people in it , it is possible.
You say u don't kknow where to start I believe u just did by comming here and sharring a little of yourself with us . To keep things simple start by doing the opposite to what u have always done. I was told I only have to learn two things here to gt started Learn when to shut up - and learn when to speak up. hehe now that is keeping it simple .
Paula: I definitely empathise with the power struggle issue. I do not feel I am the boss at all in the relationship I am and seriously on the way out of. I think the A was always the boss and always intended to manipulate. In fact I think I have learned much about manipulation from the A and his acrobatics around responsibility, dependency and more. I also know that I tend to give up my power very very quickly. I do that less these days but nevertheless I do often feel very very lost.
I am glad that you are here. The meetings here are phenomenal and very helpful and you will be listened to, heard and mirrored here.
Paula you're alot healthier than I was when I came. What you're talking about is your thinking and your character defects. The best way to look at your thinking and your character defects is to first and foremost realize that all people walking this earth have these defects; they are parts of are character that make us who we are, and they are neither good nor bad. In fact, they are "assets" that because of the insanity of alcholism have become so warped and deformed they are no longer functional. For me, for example, one of my biggest defects of character is "fix it" syndrome: I feel a need to fix people, situations, problems, et cetera, et cetera; however, 99% I was never asked to intervene and fix ANYTHING in the first place! So, the result is I try to fix a person/situation/whatever that never ASKED, and everyone comes out miserable.
To understand what YOUR defects are, I would HIGHLY recommend first and foremost going to a f2f al anon meeting. At the meeting they will discuss thinking and feelings as a result of living with alcholism. If you hear in another person something that strikes a chord, try and put it in your life. I also recommend you ask about the 12 steps of our program and sponsorship; these two tools I have found through personal experience have helped me to address my thinking, insanity and resentment because of the insanity of living in alcholism.
