The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
HI all. So far it has been 30 hours since I have talked to my A. I know it seems lame to count but it is longest I have ever gone in 5 1/2 years. Yesterday was his family's bbq and I decided not to go to avoid the everyone pretending he's not drinking situation and me crying. I hung up on him yesterday early afternoon and he didn't call back yesterday. He called twice this morning and I didn't answer. He hasn't called since. I am sick to my stomach and I don't know why because I know that his drinking is too bad and that nothing has gotten better in 5 1/2 years so I should just forget him and move on. I do have to give credit to my best friend who is here from Vegas on vacation. She's helped kept me busy to avoid falling back into him and the life for the past day. She leaves on Tuesday so I hope that I can find things to keep myself busy so I don't call him. I hope I can stay strong. I really want this. I really want him out of my life. I'm ready to give up on the dream of him changing and us getting married and having a "normal" life and relationship. I just don't get it though, if I feel so ready why is it so hard?
I believe it's so hard because although we understand what they are (A's), we also know what they can be. We see their potential as good wonderful people and want to hold on to that. The "it could be different if only they'd"....listen, see, change, get sober, etc.
We just have to keep working on ourselves, keep focusing on us. One day at a time, we learn how to become healthy. It is really helpful to go back the the Steps, especially 1, 2, and 3, read as much as you can on them. Getting to f2f meetings and using the phone list also helps.
Of course it's hard daisygirl. Making an important life change is always hard. But since you say this is what you want, I will take you at your word. Now, keep moving forward, and be proud of each step you take in that direction. You'll be just fine; concentrate on all the good your new life has in store for you. You go girl!
Diva
__________________
"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
You're grieving the loss of your dreams, of course it's hard. Be good to yourself for a while here, take it easy, go gently. You're right, keeping busy will help. Also accepting that "feelings are not facts". You know that you are doing the right thing and taking care of yourself; these feelings you're having are like the pain of getting rid of a sliver, or lancing a boil - something you have to go through to avoid something worse later on.
A lot of us here are not used to taking care of ourselves - we put other peoples' feelings above our own. Then, when we do do something that is best for us, it feels weird and uncomfortable. That doesn't mean that there is somethng wrong with what we are doing, it just means that we aren't used to it.
I think there is tremendous grief in letting go. I also think there is relief. I know ambivalence is one of the hardest things I have to walk through. I just allow myself to have the emotions and walk through them. I do know this group will help you walk through this time. Post often and keep in touch.
