The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I guess this post is more like me needing to just journal in a safe way. So for what it's worth (if you can stand reading a long post), here goes...
I'm feeling really confused about what I want out of my life, and what I need from those who are closest to me. I've felt this way probably since I found out that my husband is an A. It's literally like my life "as I knew it" came crashing down and I got buried beneath all the rubble. I am usually very decisive and level-headed, but I'm just having all kinds of doubts and uncertainty lately. These feelings come and go, but they've been coming more and more lately, and going less and less.
I am having so many resentments about what others in my life have done to me. I know I need to work the steps, but today it's just hard to do. I'm on my pity pot and it sure stinks.
I hate that my daughter is behaving just like her dad, my ex. She is a compulsive liar, and I find things out daily that she's lied about, just as I would with her dad when I was married to him. Why do people have to lie to your face when you ask something simple, which to me, is just ordinary chit-chat, not being nosey? For example, I have noticed that my daughter is working a whole lot lately, and I asked her if she got promoted at work. She said no. Then one day last week, when her car was in the shop, I took her to her workplace before they opened to pick up something her b/f left there the night before, and she has a key to get into the restaurant. I asked her why she had a key if she wasn't a manager, asst. manager, or weekend manager. She said that others there have keys and they aren't managers, and they gave her one.
So, this morning I found a document she left on the computer in the task bar. I opened it up (it was just labeled document), and it was a paper on her life for some class at college. She gave details of when we lived at another house right after my divorce from her dad. She mentions something about "looking out my bedroom window, I could see the neighbors in their dining room eating dinner." Her bedroom window actually faced the woods behind our house. An "embellishment"...
Then she goes on to say that she had smoked pot and got stoned on a regular basis and that she loved it. She told me that there had only been 3 times that she did it. Sure, kids aren't going to tell their parents the truth about that...I understand that. Then she says HOW she totalled my truck, a fact totally different than what she had told me at the time. I always knew in my gut that what she told me back then wasn't the truth.
And finally, she said that she wouldn't trade her life now for anything...she's got a great b/f of 1 year, is in college, and was recently PROMOTED TO ASSISTANT MANAGER of the restaurant where she works. Funny, when I asked her the other day if she had gotten a promotion, she said no.
Her dad, when we were married, made a habit of lying to me about the most insignificant stuff. He wasn't an A, but had the personality and behavior of one. Even my daughter saw thru his lies. How can she turn out like him, if she hated how he would lie to her??????????
Why lie about a promotion??? Her dad had lied about the pay at his job when she was just out of the hospital when she was two (surgery on her hip from a strep infection). I found out about it months later, quite by accident. I never saw any of his check stubs from work, and during our divorce I had to snoop in his office (he found out by the employees who saw me there while he was out of town) to try to find out how much his salary was. (BTW, I never found any evidence of what his pay was.)
Then I marry my now-husband, an A, and I think we have this marriage that I've always longed for...honesty, committment, truthfulness. What a crushing moment when I found out that he was living a secret life on the side.
I have, in probably the past year and a half, been trying to decide whether I should change careers, so that I can fend for myself financially should I have to. Some days I don't want to be married anymore...no, most days I don't want to. Sure, our marriage is "great" ~ we don't argue, he is sober and goes to his meetings, I go to my alanon meetings, and we get along well together. But we don't have a sex life. Well, maybe about once every few months. How can I get past the unfaithfulness, the lies, the hurt, the betrayal, the anger, in a specific time frame?? Our marriage isn't what we used to have, before I found out about his addiction. I know it can't ever be what it was, or at least what I thought it was. Crap, we don't even do anything together, except go to AA and Alanon meetings. And he certainly has NEVER stepped up to the plate and helped me parent. We've been married 6 years, and he is "afraid" to confront her...how wimpy. I'm still a single parent. I'm jealous of others who's husbands are, or act like, responsible human beings and help with family matters. He has a great job (moving business) and makes very good money, but money doesn't take away the hurt I have. Plus, that "good money" is going to pay past IRS taxes (don't even ask, lol), and to pay what he owes the state for being in jail. It also goes to pay for the home equity loan we took out to remodel this old, unlivable house I bought so he could be in town to walk everywhere, since he has no license (I wasn't about to be his chauffeur, since we lived about 10 minutes from his job).
I just want to pick up and leave. But I couldn't make it financially. It's like when the A moves around from city to city, trying to get away from their addiction, only to have it follow them around. I know I have a problem, and I know it's not going to go away if I just leave.
There are so many resentments that I have towards him that I can't stand it. How awful, huh? To be eaten up by these resentments is just draining me.
I just want to be loved, truly loved, in it's simplest form. No lies, no strings attached, no defiance, no hidden agenda. Just pure love.
If you've read my "journaling" this far, thanks for listening. I just needed a safe place to vent.
I am so sorry to hear about your issues that are troubling you. While I don't know the exact details, although your post was quite informative, I would like to share what my reactions were to some things that you said.
As for your daughter, I have found that people who embellish the truth are attempting to make things better for themselves because this is how they want it to be. Lying in and of itself is another disease. I don't know how to get over lies and betrayal because I think that they are the core contents to a destructive path. Although you can attempt to confront your daughter on things, she isn't likely to come clean to you. Perhaps she can sense some of the insecurities that you feel in your own life and knows that you may not be able to handle more trouble coming from her. Have you spent quality time with her? Could you take a day and just make it about you 2 and have no other distractions to worry about? What is she interested in? Would it be possible to tap into those interests and make the focus of the day entirely about her? Perhaps this would be a healing tool not only for you, but for her as well.
As for hubby. Gee, I am so new to all of this. I wish that I had the words. I have been doing a lot of soul searching for myself these last few days and one thing that I found helpful was to make a gratitude journal of all the things that I am grateful for in my life. What is important to me? What do I enjoy to do? What gives me peace? From those ideas, I have made a commitment to making more time to allow myself those things.
Marriage is not easy. This is my second go at it. I went from an abusive spouse to the man that treats me like a queen. He is wonderful when alcohol isn't present, but the minute it enters into the equation, I am ready to run for the hills. I wish that there was an instruction manual to guide me. I would like to think that everything happens for a reason and that is why this board has broadened my horizons. Our stories are as unique as we are, but from one another we can share, learn and become more emotionally independent.
I will hold you in prayer that the HP that I believe in will guide you and allow you the clarity you need to make the right decisions for you. As for your daughter, she will be in my prayers as well. Don't give up on her - although it may be tempting. She needs you as much as you need her and in time she will learn the essence of honesty.
I was sad to read of how much pain you are in right now. Sometimes when you are hurting everything seems like the straw that broke the camel's back...
As far as your daughter is concerned, I sort of relate to her in a way in how I liked to keep lots of things private from my Mom when I was a young adult. Not even personal things, just trivial things to, I wanted to give her a strong message that I was not 13 anymore and she did not have the right to micromanage my life in a "nice way" without hurting her feelings and coming out and saying that. I did not take it as far as lying, but I certainly was as discreet as I could be without outright lying.
The fact that you questioned her in all sorts of ways about her position at her job and why she has a key tells me a LOT, that you are a very caring Mom who loves her daughter and wants to know about her accomplishments so you can cheer her on. Unfortunately, on the other end it does not feel like that...it feels like prying, snooping, challenging, interrogating, and just being nosey. Young adult children fight hard to learn independence and it is difficult for them at times, especially when they remain close to their parents. Don't take this as your daughter "lying" to you see it more as her efforts to be healthy...and retain some independence from you as she continues to work on severing the apron strings, which is harder when you are still so involved in her life.
Try not to inquire about her personal life at all, or about her job. Learn to interract with her in a way that does not involve questions of any kind. Try to talk to her like you would a friend, you would not inquire about a friends exact position at her job. Give her a chance to not feel like you are looking over her shoulder at everything THEN maybe she may confide in you up to a point. But remember she is an adult now and may not want to confide in you for a while...until she has established more independence...and that should be OK.
As far as her college paper is concerned, well...I definately know where she is coming from and often did the same thing. College is VERY serious business, many times your future is at stake as if you don't get good grades in your first two years you may be blocked out of the classes you need for your major at the end. I did whatever I could to get the best grade I could. A college assignment is NOT a police interrogation, you are NOT graded on truthfullness and your daughter is intelligent enough to figure that out. She is being graded on how well she can describe things and tell the story, and she should be able to "embellish" as much as she wants and even make stuff up if it will get her a better grade. Also, personal things are none of the professors business in my opinion and I often totally made up stuff in assignments such as this to keep my privacy. I have the right to keep my personal life private and as I said, your life history is NOT what the grade is about, or truthfullness, it is about spelling, punctuation, how well you are at describing events, etc. professors often give assignments such as this as it is easier for students to write about stuff they know, they are not interested in exact details either.
Just thought I would share similar feelings I had to your daughter in the past in hopes it may give you some insight.
Hi LMT, Thanks for sharing. I knew you were in great pain last night about your daughter's situations and behaviors. It's good that you can spill your guts here and get feedback too.
I just hope you can avoid blowing things out of proportion, even though the troubles are real. You don't know what the assignment was for that paper, and if it makes her feel better to change things on paper, so be it.
I have known compulsive liars in my life, and never understood it. Since I don't understand it, I can only say that when we can't understand or change another's behavior, we need to look at ourselves, find out, as you mentioned, what it is we really want out of life. Someone suggested to me that I make a 5 year plan....just wishes and dreams , nothing real specific , not written in stone. It can give us new thoughts or renew old thoughts that might be positive ones about ourselves just by scribbling them down for our own use.
