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Hello,,,,,hoping you are all doing the best you are able to right now. I am writing in hopes that some of you wise and learned people may be able to offer me somethings I can try with my very alcoholic Father. I can't just ask him not to drink as much as he does, and certainly asking him and expecting him to stop all together is nothing but a futile joke on myself. We would like to get him involved in things with other people, groups and such,,,,,but to be perfectly frank here,,,,if my Father walked into let's say a Bingo Hall or a Card Club Room the reception wouldn't be very favourable. It just seems that each time I see him he is less and less of the Father I once knew. I love him but it is a different kind of love now because he is a different kind of Father now. Growing up in a dysfunctional family home my Father was never really there for us so him not being here for us now isn't such a big deal. It is the helplessness and guilt of knowing how much alcohol he is consuming on a daily basis, knowing the damage he's done to his brain, and knowing he is only going to get progressively worse that makes us want to do 'something',,,'anything' that could possibly change the path he is currently stumbling down. One can't just sit and watch their Father drink himself to death ,,,,,,, can they? It makes me sad but so very angry too at his weakness and choices. He's come to expect others to do things for him now, his cleaning, laundry, etc. and to me that is a cop-out! But of course if no one else does these things,,,,,well they would just never get done. I apology for the length of this,,,,,guess it is just all that 'stuff' that has a tendencey to build up in me sometimes,,,,,,Thank You if you read this far,,,,Leah
Welcome to MIP! Here you will find great strength, experience, hope, wisdom and humor (good for the ).
As you get more educated about this disease you will realize that there are certain basic truths about addiction (be it alcohol or drugs). We have something called the 3C's: you didn't Cause it, you can't Control it, you can't Cure it. The other thing that my husband always tells me is this: An addict is going to do what an addict is going to do, sober or active. The worst thing you can do according to him, is to ask or tell the addict to do something. Chances are they will go and do the opposite.
It is heartbreaking to watch someone you love you go through this. I am not the child of an alocholic, so I don't know what it is like. There are many people here who can. Go back and read old posts, check out our on-line meetings and chat rooms. Try and find some local f2f (face-to-face) meetings in your area too.
The more you know about this disease, the better off you will be. You will be able to take care of yourself. We have certain tools here that will help you gain the strength and insight you seek. Remember dear one, none of this is your fault. Love has nothing to do with it. Just because your Dad drinks, doesn't mean that he doesn't love you. He has a disease and a powerful one at that. This disease loves no one, except getting the next fix.
Having said that, I can tell you from experience, miracles do happen here! There are many examples of that. We can recover and so can our loved ones. Their recovery is up to them. It is our responsibility to take care of our own recovery. You will learn how. Glad you found us.
Live strong,
Karilynn
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
hi Leah.. Most of us here were or are considered a codependent to an alcoholic in some form. Through Alanon we learn to allow the alcoholic the dignity of dealing with the repercussions of their actions and also allow them to suffer their own consequences.
When we do things for them that they are able to do themselves, we refer to it as enabling. You said: He's come to expect others to do things for him now, his cleaning, laundry, etc. You and your family have choices. If he doesn't do his laundry, then he can deal with whatever consequences there is. Alcoholics are master at manipulation. If he is physically able to do his laundry, well..it is HIS to deal with.
Enabling makes it easier for them to be in their disease. It needs to be uncomfortable at the very least for them to even consider getting help. To not enable is just one of many beginnings for you and your family. Keep coming back
Take care, Christy
Christy
-- Edited by Christy at 00:14, 2006-09-03
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
Unfortunately, and sadly, watching someone we love drink himself to death is what we do. Unless we decide, for our own sanity, that we just can't watch, and separate ourselves from the situation. What we can NOT do, much as we would like to, is to fix the problem. The only person who can do that is your dad.
You cannot save him, but you can keep from being dragged down with him. You can also stop enabling him, making it easy for him to continue his drinking by taking on the consequences of his behaviour.
You can't do much about him, but there is plenty you can do for yourself. Welcome.
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