The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
my ex just left after spending the day with the kids here at my home. i am feeling so lonlely that i thought about just crawling into his arms. that's pretty low for me. after all he has done and not done to me and for me i know i'm in a bad space to even have that thought in my head. and it's not him. it's me and my feelings of sadness. i'm still looking for a distraction so that i don't have to feel these things. i'm not using him anymore. but we do have kids and he is a dead beat. although the kids don't see it. he is so great when he is here but he hasn't seen them in a week and he was only here for 4 hours using the excuse of having to get the car back--he just needs to go get high or drunk. it is a saturday after all. and no money for us. how can i possibly hate him so and yet still want to be involved with him? i know it's what most of us deal with. the love/hate thing. and like i said it's not as if he's being charming or winning me back. he seems totally fine with the fact that we are divorced. so, it's me. when will this lesson be over? i'm sick of it and i want to move on. i don't mean into another relationship, oh, i don't know what i mean....
Lonliness is no fun for sure. It's probably not even really "him" that you want. You just don't want the lonliness. I battled for a long time with lonliness. Even worse, my A was home with me and I was lonely. I thought to myself that Alanon doesn't really help too much with this issue. Alanon says to get busy. But then I thought to myself, I don't want to fill my time with doing stuff, I'm human, I'm a woman..that type of thing won't fill this lonliness.
I guess I hit bottom in lonliness because I was forced to try it (getting busy), mainly because there was no alternative suggestion. I had to fill my time with new things, new friends, new places, a whole new way of life.
What happened in that time period was that I found me. I got stronger and less needy. My life didn't revolve around my lonliness anymore. My busyness didn't completely alleviate the lonliness, but it make it soooo much less painful. I grew a lot, much more independent, discovered things I didn't know I liked to do by trying something different and I enjoyed it! Being less needy, less self absorbed meant less lonliness for me. As with most difficult things, there's no easy answers, but thought I'd share what helped me.
Take care, Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
I so agree with what Christy said. I too was very lonely. And had been lonely way before the seperation and eventual divorce. I also know what you mean about just wanting the loneliness to end, no matter how you can do it! I thought about some VERY unhealthy ways to make that happen. But by the grace of my HP, I was lead to Al-anon and found out that even when I feel lonely, and yes even THAT kind of lonely..lol...I am really never alone if I choose not to be. I can call someone, get online and talk to someone or go see someone.
And with time, I have gotten to the place where I do not mind AT ALL being alone. That doesnt mean I isolate. That just means that when I am truly by myself, I am quite content with it. I can be sad sometimes about the losses I have suffered, but I don't have to feel alone. Because I am not alone.
Anyway, just wanted you to know..that while it seems like it will never go away...those feelings...it does get better!
And like Christy, I too got busy. Busy working my program..and just plane busy!!!! Remodeling my house, doing physical exercise...just going out with my camera on a hike and taking pictures of this beautiful world we live in!
I had some lonely times. Looking back..12 years of being single after my insane ex left..I just could not find a mate. I finally decided this was my life and I accepted it. I now think those so very painful times were very very good for me. I needed to face myself. You will too. Growing is painful. I always thought I darn well better learn whatever lesson I needed to learn because it was too painful to go through it over and over. Be there for you. All that energy you used to spend trying to be the perfect mate..use that energy for YOU. If you love yourself as much as you need/love him you will be way ahead of the game of life.
