The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
This is driving me totally crazy. I feel like there is something wrong with me. Why can’t I get a true faith or trust in a HP? I see the coincidences and burning bushes.
I do believe that there is some form of a power... a higher power that must be guiding this world. There is so much beauty and incredible stuff that mankind could not have created or have control over sustaining it. Does this mean that I have a HP that is guiding me along too? Logically, if there is a HP that guides everything in this world…. Of course it would be guiding me too… well that is logically, but I can’t seem to convince myself that.
There is the part of me that says I must have a HP which has helped me stay alive through some of my past. There is really no reason that I should be alive, but something has kept me here, on this planet.
So how do I learn to trust that there is this power here for ME? When I have not trusted before how do I get myself to do it now? I can say it, I can even at times believe that I am almost doing it… but I’m NOT… not fully trusting. How do I get faith in a HP and in ME? How do I trust it is here for me?
What is wrong with me? I know I am at a standstill with the program till I can combat this issue. Daily I try go through the steps and fake it with my HP: talking, praying, and letting things go… but I don’t seem to be making progress.
Faith is a tough thing because it defies reason. However, faith has with in it the power to expand and grow. Picture it like a little seed. You place that seed in soil, give it just a little water and sunlight and it will grow. The same is true with faith. you place just a little in your heart, add a little prayer and light and it will grow. Be patient but keep asking. Pray for faith. The ability to acknowledge God in prayer is like planting the seed. He truly will answer your prayer for added faith. Just like the seed, when planted in good soil it will mature and bear fruit. It doesn't happen overnight but it will happen, slowly and steadily. Good luck.
Hello Sandi I was told along time ago that if your looking for a HP chances are u have already found one. Perhaps u just need to listen . I can relate to your dilema Itoo had a rough time with a god ofmy understanding . First I used the literature and the group as my HP together they were stronger than me alone.
Then I reached the point where I had to beleive in something or I knew i was gonna flip . So I started a search too . I had a tape of Mary Pearls and it is an old one she was talking about her search and how she sat one nite with books bible pot of coffee pen and paper determined to find a God she culd live with . hehe relating ????? I sure did she had my attention anyway she got so ticked off that she threw all the books onthe floor and went to bed about 5 am .
Got up the next day and as she was cleaning up the mess she picked up the bible and there was a pen stuck in a page she glanced at it and read the first line it simply said .
BE STILL AND KNOW THAT I AM HERE. and I got it I knew I culd do that . and have been doing it ever since . over the yrs my faith got stronger as I let go of the fear of loosing control of my life never mind letting others go . The God of my understanding has a real sence of humor he solves problems in ways i never would have thought of . hehe and he seems to work alot faster than I do too . imagine that !!!!
For me it's like jumping off a cliff you know your gonna land on something but don't know what or when but you know there is something there.
So for me it was a fake it til you make it deal. So both feet and jump in . ya got no where to go but up . Louise
The one liner I love which is relative to Faith is:
Religion is for those who fear hell; spirituality is for those who've been there.
Yup that's me. I grew up in the Catholic religion and yet somehow by the grace of God still came out of it with faith that those men were really not symbolic of my God. As long as I truly believed and truly make amends for the things that I did wrong (which incidently I thought I was the only person in the world who made mistakes all the time) that my God would love and accept me.
So spirituality is a wonderful thing too.
Don't leave before the miracle (and the miracle is you). Maria123
__________________
If I am not for me, who will be? If I am only for myself, then who am I? If not now, when?
I too was brought up Catholic. I have not attended a church for a very long time. I have been searching for a long time. Never picked up a bible. I only knew the standard catholic prayers. I never knew that I could just talk to the God of my understanding just like I was talking to another person. I didn't even know what the God of my understanding was.
One day I decided to go to a church that a friend of mine went to. I woke up one morning on a Sunday and tried to call a friend that I had not seen in a long time to see if she was going to church that day. I could not get her. I really felt like I needed to go anyway. It was not a church close to my home. It took me about 45 minutes to drive there. I live in Maryland and this church was in PA. Anyway, I looked on mapquest to see how to get there and off I went....all by myself. I cannot really remember too much about that day's service. My sister started to go with me on Sundays.
Several weeks later I woke up on a Sunday morning and hubby was away. I was having alot of anxiety about A son being out all night. It was in the beginning of his separation from his family. My sister was not going to church with me that day. I did not want to ride there by myself that day. I felt this pull to go anyway. When I got there it was a healing service. The minister ask that anyone who was ill or walking around with a heavy heart about something in their life, come forward and the elders will pray with you. I wanted so much to go up in the front and have some prayer for my son. It is a very large church and I was a newcomer. I just could not do it. It was getting close to being over. I could feel tears in my eyes. I said "Lord, if this is what you brought me here for this morning then you need to do something because I am paralyzed with fear to get out of my seat". As soon as I got those thoughts out I stood up and walked to the front of the church. I felt at that moment that there was someone who was there with me taking my hand and guiding me. It was the beginning for me. I had never felt that way before. If anyone would have been with me I don't think I would have gone up there. Things do happen for a reason. I have been attending since last November and I love it. It is non-denominational which I was looking for.
Sorry, this is so long. I just wanted you to know how it happened for me.
Please don't be so hard on yourself. You have everything it takes from what I read. Self honesty -- which is a true asset -- willingness and the desire to continue to grow. These are thing you must have to get where you want to go ... and you posess them!
Faith in a power greater than yourself can seem illusive. Many of us have felt like w/ have it one moment and don't the next. We've often relied so much on ourselves we don't have a clue as to how we are suppose to "communicate" with our HP.
I'm sure you've heard the saying "I can't, HP can, so I'm going to let him." Apply faith to that, and say HP I can't create this faith -- I've tried, You can, so I'm going to let you. Sometimes we can get so caught up in our part of believing (that it is within us to make ourselves believe) when all along it's our HP that is increasing our faith if we are open to it.
I applied faking it until I could make it -- kind of pretending to believe until I did believe. Trust in my HP meant giving up control, which is a hard thing for me to do. Even if I pretended, not really believing, to keep my hands off of of something (turning it over), I was always amazed at the out come. I guess what I'm saying is that, though I didn't truly believe, it was enough to step out of the way to let HP do his thing, and w/ that came to believe. It's a process.
If you don't already have As We Understood (B-11), it is a good book that may help you with this.
I kinda know how you felt. I sorta coasted along...going to sunday school, then church. My Mom had a strong faith, and I tried, but just couldn't 'get the feeling'. I married a man who was of a quite different faith, and I didn't go along with his beliefs (as if he really had any). He had been through a lot more rituals than I had, but I think I was more 'religious' than he was.
When my Mom died of Cancer, I got very angry with my HP, who I called God. I refused to go to church, but didn't mind if my kids went with their friends.
I moved home, to where my Mom grew up, (a place I had always loved), found a beautiful house, and looked heavenward, and thanked my Mom. I guess I started feeling close to my HP again, but still didn't have the 'feeling'. Oh, I prayed.. sorta 1/2 hazardly. My ex started going to my church! But, I could see he was just trying to impress the people in the village. My marriage was getting shaky, and he went away, a long way away for work for 6-8 months of the year.
One day, the minister came to see me. I was just about to slam the door in his face and tell him, "I don't want any!" but he said he wanted to ask me a big favor. He wanted to ride my horse. Well, of course, that loosened me up. I lived horses, ate, slept, dreamed...horses. After a while , we became friends, then after a longer while,one day, I went to church. It was nice to see the other people in the village, and it gave me a good felling to go there, so I kept it up.
My marriage was getting worse, my kids were teens, and at the worst stage, I guess. Prob. had something to do with their dad being away, and a million other things.
My horsey friend rode my horse in the village parade. I was so proud of both of them! It was a very happy day, then, the very next day... I don't know why, I got really really depressed. I just wanted to walk into the Bay, and keep on walking. I wanted to die! I went to the beach and sat on a rock. I invited God into my soul. I asked Him to show me somehow that He was there, and He was listening..( I have been a rockhound ever since I could walk) and I saw a very special rock. It had all my favorite agate and even some amethyst in it. I picked it up, and it was warm. I felt a feeling I had never felt before in my life! Pure Joy! Since then, I have been very aware of my God being right here beside me all the way.
Oh, I still have my hard times, don't we all!!?? but I know now, that though we don't understand HP's ways, he has a plan for us, and all we have to do is listen. That no matter how hard we may try to rule our own lives, or our spouces, or our children's, it's HP that is in the driver's seat!
Well, that was my experience. I hope someday, you too will find your HP. With love and sending lots of TLC, TLC.
Alanon does say the HP of your understanding. For me, the secret of HP was finding something that I felt comfortable believing. My spirituality comes from many forms of different beliefs. I have taken the best parts of many, combined them and made them mine. I also agree with Maria that spirituality and religion are very different. Am I religious? I'd have to say "no" because religion requires labels and seperates us (IMO). I choose to believe we are all one, a small part of a greater loving energy, not seperated by whatever sign hangs outside. So, if the problem is that you are trying to fit yourself in to a existing catagory, you don't have to. Find your own :)
take care, Christy
__________________
If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
faith is not something that can be forced or rushed. If you work your program you will find something that will give you faith. HP does not mean a God to start with. I have seen many people revolove from a dog, door knob, the program into an actual higher power as you are looking for.
Start small, find something you trust, as you grow in the spirituality of this program, the friendships and communion of it all will lead you to whee you need to be to find your higher power of YOUR understanding.
I personally came into this program a very religious person, with a background in pastoral care and still had a lot of room for growing. The spirituaility of this program has brought so much to my life I can't even begin to tell you. We all have room for growing spiritually, just as we can be life long learners if we apply ourselves.
Good Luck, you will find what you are looking for in time. It may not be on your time table, but it will come.
Josey
__________________
Julianne - It's best to move on. You cannot look back in anger in life. It's too short
warning to anyone is in the process of starting to believe in a HP: this post may be hazardeous to your newly gained faith. please consider overcoming your curiosity and skip the rest of the post. i bet the last sentence just made you more even more curious. overcome it.
i find myself in a position similar to yours. im not aware of the existance of a judeo-christian-muslim god. iv never experienced the presence of a mystical entity that guides us, watches us, takes care of us, punishes us or listens to us. i see good and bad things happening to me, my family, and the rest of humanity. if some entity (be it god, the laws of physics and human behavior or some other mysticality) does direct the universe, it seems pretty neutral to me.
people with faith, seem to be aware of the existance of HP. they are aware of the role the HPs plays in their lives. they can define and characterize the HP to a certain degree. the believers view the world through faith goggles, interperting occurence of events as actions taken by the HP for specific reason.
since i am not aware of the existance of a HP directing the universe the way it does for a reason, i have no faith.
i assume that people who start out with no faith and genuinely gain faith, start seeing that there is a benevolant directing hand that helps them, guides them and gives them strength (correct me if im wrong).
obviously, wanting to become aware of a HP is a necessary prerequisite to becoming aware of its existance. but its not enough to want. you also need to be able to closely observe the events occuring in your life, analyze them and see a pattern suggesting more than coincidence, randomness. i guess that for the people who just start to feel the existance of HP, the analysis is a gut feeling and not a result of meticulous examination and analysis of events.
my unawareness of a HP is one reason im not affiliated with any (HP-based) religion. another reason, is that no religion is perfect. every religion has some principles that appeal to me and some that dont. alanon has a bunch of principles too. some of them i agree with, some of them i dont.
as stated before, im not aware of the existance of a listening 'mystical' HP directing the universe and directing my life for the better. that is why, i have a problem with all the HP-related principles.
the authors of the alanon books were nice and smart to use the sentence "God as we understood Him". with this phrase, they manage not to alienate people belonging to the God-based religions and people believing in a HP. unfortunately, i dont belong to these groups.
this does not mean that the alanon program is not for me. there are great great principles in this program (steps 1,2,4,two thirds of 5,8,9,10 and 12) for us infidels.
when i try a new restaurant (with great great reviews) for the first time, i dont order everything thats on the menu. i try a few dishes that i think i would like. if my first meal is good, i come again and try other dishes. i keep coming back tasting new dishes, variations on existing dishes, special off-the-menu orders, and eating some of my favorites. sometimes i get a bad dish, these things happen, but i like the restuarant so i keep coming bakc.. if the meals consisting of my favorite dishes satisfies me, ill not order other dishes. if i feel unsatisfied i may order new dishes. i may go to a different restaurant too, trying completely different dishes or the same dishes made by different chefs. the same is true for the alanon restaurant and its 12 step menu. note: this analogy is not perfect, its purpose is just to demonstrate that not all 12 steps must appeal to everyone.
i have a problem with the mysticality of the words "higher power". i use alanon's suggestion and use the alanon group as a power greater than myself. i feel perfectly fine doing this. i see that there is great wisdom and experience in the alanon program, the alanon groups, my fellow alanonees and sponsor. the great body of knowledge and experience amassed at alanon is far far greater in understanding and potency than me. that is obvious to me. so i my mind, i always substitute god and HP with the alanon group. this way i dont feel the need to fake-believe in a mystical higher power.
there is a little pitfall. by definition, god or HP is perfect and is not supposed to fail me. however fellow alanon friends, sponsors are mere mortals and, as humans, may not always come through for me. the alanon principles were also written by humans and therefore might not be perfect at all situations for everyone all the time. im willing to live with these little pitfalls.
i also encourage you to talk to believers in HP about their definition of their HP, the HPs behavior, the guidance it gives them. really try to investigate and drill down. do not do this in order to find inconsistancies and logical failures in the reasoning of people with faith. but rather, try to understand what purposes the HP serves in the mind of the believer. what benefits the believer reaps from his faith in HP.
when i observe believers i see that their HP servers as a psychological all-in-one pocket knife power tool. the HP provides the believer with hope, serenity, strength, understanding, counceling etc. in my infidelic mind, the alanon group, principles, literature, friends and sponsor (and other non-alanon forms of support) can provide the same things that a HP brings to the believer. im really experiencing receiving help, support and counceling from my fellow alanonees. i can put my trust in them (instead of my preconditioned decision making process).thus i dont feel the need to believe in a HP, or to try to become aware of the HPs actions, guidance, support etc.
if you still do not feel comfortable using the alanon group and its collective intelligence as a power greater than yourself, i have another suggestion. for a great HP-substiture i suggest you use the 'ideal you'; the 'you' of the future, the you that will have overcome the hardships of alcoholism. the you that will be more serene as youll break the chains of alcohol. the you that will have recovered for this terrible family disease. the you that you aspire to be. i grant you that there is some narcsism in praying to yourself. but we alanonees are usually in great need of self-love. i find this approach very empowering, a good hope-giver and motivating.
in my previous post i suggested using the 'ideal you', the you you aspire to be, as a power-greater-than-yourself. i suggest, that as an extra-credit assignment for steps 4 & 10 you try to define what the 'ideal you' would be.
what character traits the 'ideal you' possesses and the 'you of now' does not?
how would the 'ideal you' behave in situations the 'you of now' encounters on a daily basis?
etc etc.
if you feel the 'you of now' is very far from reaching the 'ideal you', dont despair. try to mentally bridge the gap between the two yous by thinking of intermediate versions of you as you progress through the steps. think of yourself as 'you of now' or 'you version 0.0'. think up 'you version 1.0', 'you version 2.0' etc. outline the advancements between the versions.
a note or two regarding praying: to a believer in HP, praying makes sense, because the HP is listening. to a non-believer or a fake-it-believer, praying seems futile because deep down you know that no one is listening (or you are unaware of anyone listening).
so what to do? well, if you substiture the alanon group and its collective intelligence as a HP, then praying to the alanon group, simply means asking for support, requesting strength and knowledge to deal with help deal with your life. praying can also be considered a religious synonym to the word wishing. it is fine voice wishes even when you think no one is listening. naming specific wishes strengthens your resolve and focuses your awareness on your short-term objectives and long-term goals.
Linda, you are not unique by any stretch. So many of us have trouble defining a Higher Power. Is it God? Is it nature? There are as many answers as there are questions. One does not have to be a believer in God or Jesus to relate to a higher power. Wait!! I am NOT getting onto a religious diatribe here!!! I questioned all of this myself until one day, a couple of years ago, I found myself in the middle of the redwood forest in California for the first time. Those enormous, ancient trees come as close to being supreme as anything of this earth. To me, they are a higher power. I walked among them and I knew they were divine. I believe in their majesty and their spirit. I felt insignificant in their presence, as if they were deserving of worship.
OK, some may assume I am nuts, but that's all right. You see, you do not have to have a Godly religious epiphany to recognize power when you see it. It's all around you.
Make any sense? Diva
__________________
"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
I agree - to me my Higher Power could be called, for want of a better word, Science. Not Technology, but the slow sweet inevitability of things. I do not believe in a personal God who cares for me, but I do believe in the quiet neutral forces which shape the universe. I feel that I am part of that, and this gives me great comfort.
So, you see, what you use to gain strength does not have to fit any given pattern. It is the god of YOUR understanding, not mine, that you will lean on. And, if at the moment your understnading is confusion, then you are, as we so often say here, where you need to be right now.
Howdy. Well, there has been lots to read, so I have to add my two cents in too. You found Alanon. You found MIP. You have a sponsor. You have friends, co-workers, children, and aquantances that are a part of your life. I do not believe in a coinsidence. I believe God puts angels in our lives in the forms of people. I believe we meet, see, talk to, or even ignore certain people for a reason. Rather it be gut instinct, having a bad day, or pure faith. There is a reason for everything. I know God has many plans for my family, I don't know what they all are, but I know there is one. You will someday know your plan as well. It does take time, and NO, the answers will not come if you just ask. Remember, these are God's plans in God's time, not ours!
The way ist was explained to me, dear, was, are you now, or have you ever, been willing to believe that there is something more infinitely powerful than the alcholic insanity you've been subject to that can lead you to a better life?
If you are willing to embrace *this concept, and this concept as it stands on its own* that is all you need.
If perchance you have a moment, buy the book "Alcholics Anonymous" aka The Big Book. It is a hand book for recovery for Al anon and AA
