Talking the talk is one thing... - Al-Anon Family Group

Diva · ~*Service Worker*~

Talking the talk is one thing...

abbyal · ~*Service Worker*~

Step aside Diva and let the axe fall , I have been told that when I get impatient with myself (slip) that this is a life time program as u said we are human . I also heard when someone said to an OLD Timer I want what u have , Why can't I get there? the lady replied that Al-Anon responses must become habitual and honey that takes time !! gotta love it.

I figure about 5 min before it's m y time to go It will all fall into place . hehe So I just keep showing up and learning about me . and when I think of the Axe fallying a lady said to me once What are u going to do it it dosen't ?? never thought of that . Louise

purpleraven · Veteran Member

Diva wrote:

Walking the walk, quite another.

I read time and time again that we do not have to allow the behavior of the A to affect our moods. And that only WE are responsible for how we respond to the A's condition. NOTHING and NO ONE can make us feel sad, confused, hurt, angry, frustrated, miserable, or alone. We bring it all upon ourselves.

I am human...I am not divine. And until and unless I am divine, I come equiped with the whole range of human emotions built into my soul. Each one will be on display from time to time. I feel I am deluding myself if I believe otherwise, and if I really believe otherwise, I am doomed to ultimate failure.

Me sitting quietly knitting, smiling, and humming while the A carries on with his insanity? I'd rather knock his teeth out; then I can REALLY feel GOOD about something!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Waiting for the ax to fall, Diva

i like your post! :) i keep hearing "no one can make us feel anything" and i'm like, yeah right ... when my A-boyfriend kisses me deeply, he makes me feel warm & tingly. when my A hugs me, he makes me feel safe and warm. when my A acts like an utter asshat, i feel annoyed, frustrated, or angry. OF COURSE someone else can make us feel things! to feel is to be human.

so i guess it's what we do with the initial feeling that counts? like, choosing to remain in the feeling, or choosing another feeling. that's where i have to bow to the HP for help, because man, it is very very easy to stay stuck in grumbling frustration. serenity is hard work!

twinmom2 · ~*Service Worker*~

(((Diva)))

I'd like to knock my A's teeth from time to time Thank goodness there is something in us that say's Whoa, O.K. what's going on with me. I often lose sight of my Alanon responses when he is raging and blaming me for something. My emotions swell and I want to attack, it has been the way of survival for so long. I do agree that the Alanon responses and slogans come into action after repitious applying and it becomes a part of our emotional makeup. We are human and each emotion is valid. I am learning to accept my emotions as they come and deal with them, but often I have the desire to express them to my A who is emotionally unavailable and cannot validate them. This is usually when I get myself into trouble and lose sight of what is really going on in the situation. That axe has fallen on me so many times one day I will wise up and step aside a little bit then let it fall and move on with the next step.

Be good to you,

Twinmom~

Christy · ~*Service Worker*~

(((Diva)))

I think we can change how we feel some by understanding our feelings and where they originated. sometimes what people feel goes back to their childhood and by doing the steps we sort those out. It's the reactions to how we feel that can change.

I don't think I'll ever be so strong as to not have painful emotions, but I can always ask myself if it is valid or an old emotion bubbling to the surface.
It's that darn dream that used to get in my way. The one where I live happily ever after. Only Prince Charming turned out to be the Duke of Drunk.

Maybe before Alanon you would have knocked his teeth out. *grin*

Christy

Lunamoth · ~*Service Worker*~

(((((Diva))))))

I struggled w/ this for some time, I thought what is the difference between that and stuffing our emotions? I was created with all the range of emotions that humans have, how is it that I have the ability to choose to happy, sad, mad etc; that it is not outside things (such as the A) that make me that way.

To me it comes down balance. I've often been told to feel what I'm feeling, that it is up to me how long I want to stay in that emotion. That I've found to be true. Do I want to stew about a resentment? Feel angry, hurt or sad --- I feel those things, but I choose not to stay in that stew pot for long.

We are only human, we are affected by this disease. It does hurt, but what do we know? We know or have learned that our expectations get us into trouble, we know from past experiences how are A's are. Often our anger/dissappointment is from something that is nothing new. Our balance comes from what we do know. We know that our A deflect things on us. It's our choice to accept them or not. Accepting it = frustration, anger, pain. Not accepting it = acceptance of who they are at the moment (a sick person) which helps us to stay in our peace.

Boil it down a little farther and we can come to the realization that we create our own pain, because we want them to be different and they aren't. I'd be happy if they were different. We're taught that that is handing over our serenity on a silver platter. So why give it away? Because it is easier than working on ourselves to find our own happiness. Finding ourselves and living a healthy life w/ serenity is a challenge after being affected by our A's, doing it while we are living with our A's is even harder.

No one can tell us what our limit is, each one of us has to define that ourselves. As far as knocking his teeth out, well, you could. Might even feel good for a bit, but I've found that when I do or say something to release my pressure -- I call it "spewing" lol" ---- then I feel guilty and have to make an amend for my own peace of mind. I don't know how many out there enjoy making an amend to an Active A, but I don't. Seems like mine enjoys my flaws. Oh, well that's a different subject.

I know you know all the things I written, they are good reminders for myself also. Take what you like and leave the rest.

Karilynn · ~*Service Worker*~

(((((((((((((Diva)))))))))))),

I'm speaking just for me here, but there are times when I'm with you on that. I just don't have the guts enough to go public with it! True to the Diva form, you don't hold back. I'm thinking you'd do great in a kick-boxing class. I can just see you kicking and punching away at a bag with a picture of your partner on it! That bad wouldn't stand a chance.

Live strong,

Karilynn & Pipers Kitty

isabela40 · Senior Member

Diva wrote:

And that only WE are responsible for how we respond to the A's condition.

(((((((((((((Diva)))))))))))))

Diva, I think this is where you hit the nail on the head! Yes, we ARE responsible for how we "respond" but that is as far as our responsibility takes us.

As you so wisely pointed out, we are HUMAN and have basic human emotions which are instinctive and in the deep primitive part of the brain. What is different is how we chose to DEAL with those feelings.

I get really angry at my husband many times...but I chose not to yell and scream and cause a scene like he does. I don't stuff my anger either. I don't act like everything is normal and OK, I basically think about why I am angry and what I am going to do about it and still be a mature adult. I usually avoid him for a few days, and don't cook dinner for him or do the little things I normally do. This is not "getting him back" but more like being normal. I do little things for him because he may be being nice and I FEEL like doing nice little things for him, if I don't feel it I DON'T do it!

After a few days he sees the need to try and be extra nice which he usually does. Then, when he is sober I talk to him about it, and he usually says he is sorry, then gets drunk and does it again the next week...sigh. But still I have let myself be "normal' and be angry, did not stuff my feelings, and made a CONSIOUS decision how I would deal with my normal healthy emotions then expressed them in a healthy way that feels comfortable for me.

Here you wrote:

NOTHING and NO ONE can make us feel sad, confused, hurt, angry, frustrated, miserable, or alone. We bring it all upon ourselves.

(me again here)

I know lots of people in alanon believe this and this is a very simplistic view of a very complex situation. True, no one can "make" us feel some emotions...our senses take in the words, expressions, non verbal communication of others and then our brains process it and then REACT from them. This is normal and healthy and anyone who does not experience normal reactions such as anger, rage, frustration, resentment, misery, hurt, betrayal, jealousy, etc. to human interaction is mentally ill or brain damaged.

But, I think what alanoners mean when they say this, and they put it TOO simplistically so that many don't understand the real meaning is that you don't have to fall fall prey to the normal human feelings that a crazy alcoholic causes our brains to feel.

You don't have to let that negative feeling disrupt your whole day or life. Through alanon I have learned to not let the drunken ramblings of my husband affect my whole emotional outlook. He can spend an hour telling me what is wrong with me.  I used to feel sad and depressed that my husband thought I was not a nice person, then I started to realize that I had become isolated due to his alcholism. When alanon encouraged me to get out in the world more and make time for friends I realized that my husband's negative view was DEFINATELY in the minority and I "considered the source", LOL . That kind of puts it in perspective.

For instance, I am slightly overweight and my husband has gotten drunk and said some really horrible things. I think the worse thing he said to me was that I should move back into the bad neighborhood we lived in when we were starving college students as I "live like I belong there" as I have "the typical welfare body shape" (being overweight) and I "have the nerve to think that nice people think it is attractive". Now, since I am sensitive about my weight this did hurt, then it hurt that my husband has insulted me when I would not tolerate that from anyone else and never did.  It also hurt my pride and dignity that I was stupid enough to marry such a jerk that insults me in such a fashion. All kinds of gut level feelings went through my brain.

What was different was how I handled those emotions. I began to consider the source...an alcoholic.   Then I saw the humor in it! LOL!!! What? A lowlife malt liqour drinking peeing drunken creep telling me I am "living a stereotype" HAH! Then he is Native American to boot! What nerve...of course I took the high road, again a choice, and did not respond in kind. Then I began to think about how he is definately in the minority to say and think those negative things about my figure, and to take some pride in the fact that I had a balanced view of myself and was not at an alcoholic's whims. Yes, I am overweight, but not enough that that is the first thing people think or notice about me.

So, don't be ashamed to have normal emotions. Be angry, disappointed, hurt, resentful and don't be ashamed. But, work on working through these emotions in a healthy way.

Sometimes it is ironic but I hear in alanon the same emotionally abusive statements I hear from my alcoholic, but phrased differently. My husband too expects me to have no emotions but happy ones, tells me that my emotions are my own problem, and that he has nothing to do with it.  He says that he is a great guy and if I have a problem with him and get upset, then it is because there is something wrong with me and I need to work on myself...sound familiar? SIGH!

But, what I have experienced is different than what I hear many times. I have gotten so much loving support and compassion, and most importantly empathy. When I vent and need a listening ear I have always gotten one and been treated with compassion and understanding. No one has told me that I should not have the feelings I have, insted I have been supported that my feelings are normal, then I get kind suggestions on how to deal with them in a HEALTHY way...and they are good suggestions too! Which is why I keep coming back .

Love,

Isabela

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.