So hard to know my own mind... - Al-Anon Family Group

rtexas · ~*Service Worker*~

So hard to know my own mind...

Karilynn · ~*Service Worker*~

(((((((((Rtexas))))))))),

First of all if anybody should be committed, it's me!

Funny you should mention about running your own corporation. My A was the same way. Could run his business, but his personal life suffered and so did his first family. He was/is a functioning (sober now) alcoholic as he refers to himself. Some of the most intelligent people can be the hardest to treat. Try telling an intellectual with a medical background that he's sick and needs help! Yeah right! That one took a while.

If you don't want to help your in-laws move, then tell them that you do. If they accept then that's great! If your A has a problem with it, it's hers not yours. Do it because it makes you feel good. I can remember when my father-in-law came up and wanted to see us both. A would have nothing to do with it. Well I wanted to see him, so I did. Boy did I have a good time!

Recovery mean taking back our lives, and living the life that we want. I say do it! Make the plans that you want and stick with it. Don't give into her games. Manipulation is such a part of their disease. The fact that we succumb to their games, is such a part of ours. Time for the insanity to stop! (Gee I'm glad I reminded myself of that! )

Live strong,

Karilynn & Pipers Kitty

P.S. If this were an employee would you put up with this kind of behavior? Kick your business side in and see where it leads.

twinmom2 · ~*Service Worker*~

(((RT)))

I struggle with this as well with my A. He is such a good emotional manipulator. I too have been on the giving end of that mainipulation. Often I have asked him to participate in a family thing and he'll say no he doesn't feel like it. Instead of leaving it at that and going on and having a good time without him I will say something fine... o.k. just wanted to spend some time together as a family. He'll inturn get upset because I have not honored his request to not participate. He gets angry feels guilty then comes along. I then get upset because I know he doesn't want to come along he's just doing it to appease me. So family fun day usually ends up with me stewing about the fact that he doesn't want to spend time with us and he gets upset because he feels he's damned if he does and damned if he doesn't. Neither one of us is happy or pleased with the day. I could choose to do what makes me feel happy regardless of whether he wants me to or not. He will have his time to himself and everybody can have some fun.

My problem is feeling o.k. about just going ahead and doing the next right thing for me. I have this image of how I'd like life to be with him and it is not reality and probably never will be.

So I guess I'm trying to say Do the next right thing for you whatever makes you happy, if she chooses to stew about it its probably because she realizes she hasn't gotten your goat so to speak. I'm learning that my A needs me to stay sick and codependent so he can continue to carry out his games. That's what he's comfortable with. It is crazy making behavior, try not to buy into it if you can. Have a good weekend whatever you choose to do.

Hugs,

Twinmom~

hersh · ~*Service Worker*~

(((RTexas)))

You said:

"I have the hardest time seperating what "I" want as opposed to deciding which of the expectations of the A's in my life I need to fulfill today. How can I be that derranged? I have completely forgotten how to think for myself."

I have a horrible time making decisions also and thinking for myself without wondering how AH will react or what chaos will ensue.

I think you should help your in-laws if you can peacefully, without "forcing" your way in. Is there a way you can just call them and help without her or will it cause her to erupt? Is she capable of helping them?

Maybe when a calm moment is there today, you could just simply say to your wife that "we told them we would help them, so are we planning to do this?"

You sound strong and like you are detaching well.... I wish you luck and hope everything turns out. You're only trying to help someone....and I don't think it is laughable that they are nice, your wife is nice also somewhere down in there below this disease, why would you have married her and loved her to stick this out with here?

When in doubt, pray, pray, pray about it....

Good luck and keep us posted....

HeidiXXX

You

Christy · ~*Service Worker*~

Rtexas,
Putting myself in your shoes...
I would tell my A that I do not need his/her permission either way. It's not his/her call just because it's her parents. If you feel they need your help and you are willing to give it...do it!!
What's she going to tell them? "I told him not to help you"!!
When these types of things came up while my husband was active I simply removed him from my decision. Do I want to help my in laws? Yes, I do..OK, then I will..done deal.
The A will slowly learn that manipulation tactics don't work whether they are used for control or punishment. WE are in control of what we do and who we are.

If these things would come up while he's sober..I still remove him from my decision.
Because he's attempting to manipulate does not change my decision if the focus is truly on me.

Take care
Christy

Lunamoth · ~*Service Worker*~

I question why you don't just make your own plans? Or atleast keep quiet until the moving day. If she wants to handle this, let her. I understand your concern for your in-laws. But why continue to plead w/ her over something you will probably end up doing anyhow? Realisticly, can she do the move without you? Could she possibly have other motives, waiting for you to make plans then saying you knew she'd need help, just to keep the chaos going?

Yes it's all head games. It's a pain. Try to think as clear as you can about what you want. Seems that you really would like to help your in-laws and you had planned on it. So try saying what you mean and meaning what you say -- they should add and say it only once lol, -- "I had planned on helping, I'll be available to help if you need me."

Sometimes we fuel the chaos by talking too much. What would have happened if you had just replied "okay" when she said she didn't want your help in the beginning? Keep it simple

Take what you like and leave the rest. (((((lots of hugs to you)))))

Jennifer · ~*Service Worker*~

(((RT)))

I don't think it is strange that you do not have these issues at work. Usually ... work expectations and limitations are pretty clear cut, maybe some leeway but on the whole it is set rules .. or maybe roles is a better word.

Expectations from an A can bounce from one end of the spectrum and back again in minutes.

This may or may not be possible in a way that doesn't create more friction .... but could you call and tell your inlaws that you had planned on helping them and your wife has said she does not want and or need your help. Let them tell you what they would like?

I don't know if it is a good idea. In my situation I let my A's word on his family functions be the end, now I wish I had involved myself a little more or at least opened up that I was told not to come. I think over the years while he was telling me not go, he was telling them I did not want to, or I was keeping him from them. This has created some problems now, especially emotionally for me even though I should be grateful to not be involved in their dysfunctional circle.

This was just a thought from my own situation I had on how I could handle things differently in the future if I needed to. Maybe it is the way this disease runs it's course. Sometimes there are no good answers.

I wish you the best, take care.

Jennifer

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.