The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My tongue may have a hole in it....but inside I feel I did the right thing. My A and I have been dancing the same, very old dance since my mother's funeral. In his mind, he swears I have been here 4 1/2 months...nearly 5! I have been here since June 12th.....I have stuck to my guns and am doing what myself and my siblings need to me to do so that we can sell mom's house. I am tired everyday and since I haven't worked since the 10th of June we are working with limited money. I have continued to stay at mom's rather than the 20-25 minute one way trip each day.(gas money ya know).... It's okay though, my A told me about 3 or 4 wks ago...he is working this incredible side job.....he is making a lot of extra money. I believed that the extra money would go into the bank...what was I thinking? So I have slipped and said some ugly things, and he has done some pretty cruddy stuff too. You see he gets a weekly amount of money, IT'S ALOT....he has never cut that back on that money since I left my job.....he has continued to golf, bowl, 2 fishing trips with his buddy (his buddy has a boat, that is about $200 a trip)....so I have went 'round and 'round,,,how I have no cash, I am struggling to pay our bills, he doesn't even stop by and drop of a soda for me because he says he is too tired...but he always has time for the bar.....I end up in tears and so anxious....he hangs up on me...and 'round and 'round the dance goes......,,but the other morning I woke up with this wonderful voice in my head....loud and clear......"STOP, HE IS NOT GOING TO CHANGE....YOU CAN'T MAKE HIM....NOT MATTER WHAT YOU SAY....NO MATTER HOW MANY TIMES....YOU CAN'T MAKE HIM "SEE".....JUST STOP IT"
So tonight he stopped by mom's house to see me, yes this is one of the ways he says he is going to change.....to be more compassionate, even if he doesn't understand, to try and support what I am going through......as he is sitting there watching TV I notice he has BRAND NEW OAKLEY SUNGLASSES!!! (I buy mine at WalMart or the booths at the street fair, ya know $5.00 - $10) I asked him, "did you get new sunglasses?" He said..."Yeah, a LONG TIME AGO.." I bit my tongue.....I don't want to know where he got them, how much they cost...(this pair I think sells for about $160.00). It was so hard not to point out what he was doing wrong.....I had to keep reminding myself.....it is not my job!!! Let it Go!!! Take care of me!!! My face must have shown that something was going on in my head, because my A asked me..."what?" LOL I couldn't say "the voices in my head are talking and I HAVE TO LISTEN" LOL When he left I still was a little angry, but now that I"m writing this it seem really funny, listening to the voices in my head......LOL
Okay, I think my tongue will be fine...my girlfriend just called she is on her way to see me....
I think that on one level they are really clueless about how self centered and selfish they are. They are like little kids taking all the candy. You really do deserve the best of everything - Oakley's is you want. Our sacrifices don't balance out their extravagances. Self care is important for us. PS I hear voices in my head and I call it my HP.
