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TOPIC: I need help. stressful day at work, dealing with a 73 yro alcoholic who was forced to quit in Jan. no program, not his idea, he still wants to drink
Phew! I was so rattled today at work. The 73 yro man I sit with was hell bent determined to drive his truck into town and buy his liquor. It was said he used to drink the biggest bottle of liquor a day. I saw an empty bottle of vodka when I first started working.
I started in the end of March. His wife left him in Jan marrying in Sept 1996. His two adult children said he was a functional alcoholic. He had a successful business while being an alcoholic. We caretakers were hired by the son in law in Feb. Granted it is the alcoholics money that pays us to take care of him in his home. He is shaved, bathed, changed & fed by his caretakers. We also keep his house clean & laundry done. He hardly has anything at all to do. He was an outdoors person. He can walk around much better than he used to. I was told he had Congestive Heart Failure and had 6 months to live. Well he has outlived that and then some. His children would like him to live in his own home instead of going into a nursing home. They are not really involved in his life a whole lot.
His dr put him on meds earlier this year that makes him sick if he does drink. His son told all his enablers that supplied him with booze that they were forbidden to come around anymore. So he did not quit on his own. His mind is failing. He can't remember dates, times & places. He doesn't remember what he did 5 minutes ago. He thought HE planted the garden this year. He can barely walk. He uses a walking cane. He still has his newer pickup truck, drivers license, & insurance on his truck. It is to let him think he has independance. He has not driven since I started in March. I do not know when he drove last. I would be afraid if he did get on the road.
Ok now that I have given some history here is my horrible day today. I went to work at 7am. The day was going pretty good we were getting along ok. His X wifes brother called & he was upset, I guess. In the future I will screen his calls when I can and not let him to talk to anyone that reminds him of her. He finalized the divorce recently. She got $10,000 & a Lincoln car. He feels she stole from him.He calls her horrible names.
Not long after the call he decided to go to town to buy some liquor to calm his nerves. I tried every thing in the book to keep him from leaving. Usually words is all it takes but not today. He kept it up for almost one hour. I called the boss lady & had her talk to him. She can calm him down when no one else can. He thinks two of the ladies are his wife that left him. He has introduced them to people that come to visit. The boss lady has written him a letter and dated it stating he can not drive for 3 months. Dr's orders. We (caretakers) have been instructed to not let him leave the yard. We are to call the law & insurance if he does. I did try and threaten him with that. I told him the alcohol is what caused his health problems, he said being 73 is not?, I said you are on medications that you are not suppose to drink with them.
He read this letter then sat for a few minutes and started to go anyway to town. Nothing I said or did was working. He got into his truck and started it up & was in the process of backing up his truck. He got stuck on a cinder block & gunned it to back up. spinning gravel in the process.
I got the boss lady on the phone. She told me to block him in with my car. I did and boy was he mad. I handed the phone to him. He was telling me to move my car. I told him to shut off the truck while she was on the phone. He told her he was going to hit me. He was getting biligerant. He hung up on her. ( I hate when they are hateful in the moment but nice on the phone.) She called back & told him to not hit me. She told him if he did I would own everything. We were grasping at straws to get him to settle down for close to one hour. I think he called me everything but a white women. This was the worst experience I have had so far. I was shaken & nervous when I left.
The boss lady took him to town last week, she parked at the Dollar General. It is across the street from the liquor store. He told her he would be right back he was going to buy some booze. She said I don't think so. She said you have not drank in over 6 months . He said he has been drinking all week. the alcohol is what got you into these health problems, your wife left you, etc. He shut up & sat down never said another word.
A few weeks ago, one of the other ladies grabbed the keys out of his running truck & ran inside the house locking the door & called the son in law but that was on a Saturday & he happened to be at home. He scared his grandson, his grandsons wife & child with his behavior. They had planned on sitting with him overnite. Unauthorized by boss lady though , they only sleep.
Usually he has these episodes and calms down in about 15 minutes and apologizes for his behavior. He usually forgets he did anything wrong at all. I am off work tommorrow. I have to go to work Friday from noon to 8pm, Saturday 8pm to 8am. He told me during the heat of all this to never come on his property again. Supposedly he does this all the time. It is very hard to turn it off, it was scary today.
Boss Lady said she will take him to the Dr in the am herself. The family usually does it but they do not experience his episodes. We believe they are going to get worse. We believe he should be on some antidepressants or medications to control his mood swings. We hopefully will see.
I told my boss lady that my grandfather was about his age in the 80's. He had hardening of the arteries & was put on Haldal back then. He would wander off & get upset alot before that.
I am doing a whole lot of praying. I need the money from this job but being in this choas, I do not know. this man is close to 6ft someghing & 300lbs. way bigger than me. I could outrun him but............... Anybody dealt with this before?
Why not just hide his keys so he can't have access to them? Or have the boss contact the family and tell them having the truck there isn't safe for him anymore.. Seems that would solve a lot of problems.
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
The family & the boss had his keys hidden for sometime. It got real ugly. He cussed everyone out about where his *&$#@ keys are? Boss got tired of his constant annoying & gave him his keys with a note from the Dr stating he was grounded for 3 months. That worked for a good long time but now all h*@# broke loose. He is so childish when he gets his mind set to go somewhere.
His son did try to help by telling him to call if he needed to go somewhere he would take him or go with him. He asked if he needed to go anywhere. His father said NO
His family may see him one a month sometimes once a week. His daughter lives on the property next door hmmm about an acre or more away. they grew up in an alcoholic house. His wife stayed married to him till she died of cancer in 1993. 2 of the 3 children have been married for 24 & 27 years respectively to the same person. Basically they do not want to deal with him.
I am calling my boss tonite to find out how the Dr visit went today. She said she was going to take him because family does not know how he is everyday. I think she said something has to change or he will have no one sitting with him. I can see him in a nursing home. They will have him in a vegetative state when he is not rational.
I was thinking today. I should have told him I have dealt with his kind for 30+ years. Bring it on! but it was probably best I said nothing at all. I refused to raise my voice to him in return. I can not imagine being this ugly to anyone every. Then completely forget what they said and refuse to acknowledge their rude behavior. It is hard to phathom.
I do not know how to deal with his biligerant behavior. Has anyone ever dealt with this? And if so how?
RE: I need help. stressful day at work, dealing with a 73 yro alcoholic who was forced to quit in Jan. no program, not his idea, he still wants to drink
Well, the verbal abuse I would just deal with the same way we do from any A - pay no more attention to it than you have to, walk away if possible. It has no more meaning than when your two year old says "I hate you, mommy" when you won't let him play with knives, or matches.
The other stuff, though, is different. I kept wondering, while reading your post, what your legal situation is here. It's all very well for them to tell you not to let him do things, but how are you supposed to stop him? He's an adult with a driver's license and insurance, the owner of the vehicle - if you did something drastic to stop him from leaving, and the law got involved, the person who would be in trouble is you. Same with screening his calls.
I would talk to your boss exactly the way you have talked to us here - let her know that you are concerned, and get her to spell out exactly what you are to do, if for instance he were to attack you, or if he did get in the truck and drive away. I think the family will have to stop playing games here and make some hard decisions. They can't just leave this mess in your lap. As it stands, they will just blame you if anything goes wrong, and you bet they will also blame you if you do something drastic to STOP things from going wrong. Get your orders spelled out, in writing if you can, and don't let your boss get away with vague "oh do your best" sort of talk. If she tells you "call the police if he does such and such", well, you DO it. There are things it is reasonable to expect a caretaker to do, and things that are not reasonable - you need to know what is expected of you, and what to do when things get beyond your control.
His words do not hurt me like they did in the beginning. I am getting better, I suppose. Maybe one day I can take on my father. I have had nothing to do with him in 14 years. ( another story, another time)
I talked to my boss this evening. She said he continued the rage after I left. He called the other lady (18) a whore. She was hurt. When the boss got there later she let him have it verbally. He is like a child. He said he did not do anything wrong. He did not threaten anyone.
She told the son about his behavior. She took him to the Dr today. He is on antidepressants now. I hope they do not take long to work. We are to keep a log of how often & how severe the rages are. His short term memory is shot. the Dr told him no driving or drinking PERIOD. I doubt he will remember it. His keys are hidden again. I do not know where they are nor do I want to know. He will be getting ugly about that as well.
We might have another episode this weekend. It seems one of the grandkids wants to earn money for mowing his yard Saturday. The grandkids only show up for money. It upsets his routine. Well we will just have to wait and see. His son or son in law keep his lawn mowed regular.
I hope when I go I am not this big a problem to others. My great grand mother ( Maam Ma) was never sick, lived in her own home without help. She died in her front yard of a heart attack or stroke. Someone driving by thought she was sunbathing. Maam Ma had some trash in her hand , she had been picking up the yard.
You sure sound like you earn your money at this job!
You need to get those orders from the doctor on a prescription pad to SHOW him and...send a copy to the Department of Motor Vehicles and they will pull his license. When he no longer has a license then that is a great reason to take his truck away.
I certainly have sympathy for the elderly and their loss of independence, but really, people who "feel sorry for them" and let them have the "illusion" of independence by letting them have a car when they can no longer drive just set THEM and others up to be killed! Ever hear about those two cases where the elderly have driven through crowds and killed MANY people and injured many more? Including children? What is more important here? Someone's pride and "illusion of independece" or the health and safety of LIVES of others?
You mostly hear of the big stories where many people are killed. What about all of the little accidents? My friend's Dad found the hidden keys (what else did he have to do all day?) after he had a stroke that damaged his vision, he drove his car through a convenience store entrance, no one was killed, but he and others were severely injured. He ended up dying from his injuries, he was 65 and in good healthy otherwise with a minor stroke, he could have lived many more years. Stories like these happen all of the time.
If I were you I would write the doctor about how he is provided a truck (can do lots more damage than a small car) keys a lot of times, and an insured vehicle and still has a license and tries to drive many times so the doctor informs the DMV and gets that man's license pulled.
If I were you I would write the doctor about how he is provided a truck (can do lots more damage than a small car) keys a lot of times, and an insured vehicle and still has a license and tries to drive many times so the doctor informs the DMV and gets that man's license pulled.
Unfortunately that's not how it works. You can't go over the bosses head and write letters unless you want to get fired. Hopefully the family will remove the truck and it's temptation. As far as his rages, unless there is medication his Dr. is willing to give him to settle down there's not a whole lot anyone can do as long as the people you work for are getting paid to care for him. I suppose there will come a time when your boss tells the family that they will no longer contract for his care. I hope the new meds help, but realize you may be dealing with something more then "mean old man"..like dementia.
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
Christy is probably right here, going over your boss's head and contacting the doctor may get you fired.
However I was thinking of legal liability issues here. If this man is put into your care because he needs constant supervision and you are responsible for him and he gets away from you and drives and gets in accident and hurts other people, you can be held legally liable and that may be very bad for you.
I know it is a tough situation, but in a worse case scenario you will lose a lot more than just a job if you are held liable for a serious accident which may even involve fatalities.
