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Hi everyone, my name is Sherry and I am new to this forum, the online meetings and alanon. I have been in a LTR w/a man for 4 yrs who recently has developed an alcohol abuse problem. Maybe he had it all along, and it was just dormant. Not sure. I am here to recover from the insanity that this problem has caused me. The more I think about it, I think he may have been a "dry drunk", like my father growing up. My father was a severe alcoholic and after many yrs, quit on his own but still exhibited abhorrent and abusive behavior. My current A has always been less than giving, responsible and was/is very selfish. But 4 mos ago, he started working in a rest/bar and his behavior changed for the worst, as well as his feelings for me. I was lost, sad and devestated. We were planning our lives together and lived together for 4 yrs. I love him dearly. Anyway, I begged him not to work in a bar, but he told me not to worry. He was wrong. Night after night, he came home reaking of alcohol. He would tell me that I was being ridiculous and that "everyone" in the rest business drank for tension release after work. Then it progressed. Lie after lie. Spending all of his money on alcohol. Not being reachable by cell phone. He stopped helping w/bills. He pawned the christmas present I gave him last year a 400.00 i-pod that i worked hard for to buy him. He told me last week he did it to buy booze and go out. Then in April, he broke up w/ me. He said he was "addicted not to drinking, but to socializing!" He still maintains that excuse. I experienced a deep dark depression for months. He was still living here, not paying bills and sometimes not coming home for days. He would not answer his cell phone either. I was so scared and dependent on him emotionally, I allowed this mistreatment and he continued to live here under the guise that he "wouldn't leave until I was okay emotionally." But looking back, he didn't have any money to move and he was getting a free ride. he was able to spend all of his money on going out. And then 11 days ago he was arrested for an old warrant. He called me from jail and professed his love and his apologies. He admitted to having a drinking problem, begged me not to give up on him and said he realized how much he loved me and did not want to lose me. He was let out to a sober living house last Friday. He did not call until Saturday. He sporadically has called and come by. I have given him money and also when he was in jail. He is still drinking even in the halfway house and I have not been able to reach him in over 24 hrs. last night, I just lost it. I have become obsessed and can't think straight-his problem is mine now and it's so discomforting. I feel conned-once again and unloved. I don't know who this man is anymore.
This program is my only hope. I want to let go and experience peace. I am exhausted and angry over wondering every second of the day..."what's he doing, is he drinking, is he lying, does he really love me, is he conning me, is he cheating, is he even in a halfway house?" He isn't taking his aa meetings seriously-he hates them and well, it's just sad. And I am sad and need help.
I hope to find peace thru alanon. I am working an OA program and have a sponsor, but will eventually try and find a sponsor for this. Thanks for listening. Any suggestions would be appreciated.
I'm at work an can't write much. I just wanted to tell you you are sooooooooooo not alone. I do love He said he was "addicted not to drinking, but to socializing I called my A (myhusband) and read him that saying. He has been sober now over a year. He said Man thats a good one I should have used that. He is good. So to answer the conning you questiion. I think you know the answer. But I would have to say yes.
Well I have to get going but stick around I think you will like us here.
Big Hug((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((sherry))))))))))))))))))))))))))
Breaking through the denial is very tough hon. But you are worth it. Keep coming here. Get to face to face meetings. Attend meetings here. Soon you will see that as you begin to work this program for you, the program begins to work through you.
New Song Out called: If You're Going Through Hell - the music is excellent and the words profound:
Well, you know those times when you feel like There's a sign there on your back. Says: "I don't mind if you kick me; "Seems like everybody has." Things go from bad to worse: You think they can't get worse than that an' then they do.
You step off the straight an' narrow, An' you don't know where you are. Use the needle of your compass, To sew up your broken heart. Ask directions from a genie, In a bottle of Jim Beam an' she lies to you.
Well, that's when you learn the truth: If you're goin' through hell, Keep on goin'. Don't slow down: If you're scared don't show it. You might get out, 'Fore the devil even knows you're there.
Well, I've been deep down in that darkness, I been down to my last match. Felt a hundred different demons, Breathin' fire down my back. An' I knew that if I stumbled, I'd fall right into the trap that they were layin', yeah.
But the good news is there's angels, Everywhere out on the street. Holdin' out a hand, To pull you back up on your feet: The one's that you been draggin' so long, You're on your knees; you might as well be prayin'.
Guess what I'm sayin': If you're goin' through hell, Keep on goin'. Don't slow down: If you're scared don't show it. You might get out, 'Fore the devil even knows you're there.
Yeah, if you're goin' through hell, Keep on movin'. Face that fire: Walk right through it. You might get out, 'Fore the devil even knows you're there. Oooh.
Yeah, if you're goin' through hell, Keep on movin'. Face that fire: Walk right through it. You might get out, 'Fore the devil even knows you're there.
Yeah, you might get out, 'Fore the devil even knows you're there.
Keep coming Princess, Miracles are happening every day.
Maria123
__________________
If I am not for me, who will be? If I am only for myself, then who am I? If not now, when?
Glad you are home. I've heard it said in recovery that alcoholics don't have relationships they take hostages. I also learned that this cannot happen without my permission and participation. I also learned (from page 19 of the One Day at a Time in Al-Anon) that there is no law that says I need to continue accepting the abuse.
I've kept coming back to this family (Al-Anon) for a long while now and can tell you from experience you will find the peace of mind and serenity that you are looking for with or without him.
Its humorous to me at times how I depended on a very sick person to make me feel well.
Please keep coming back.(1st suggestion) Go to as many face to face meetings in your area for the next 90 days and get as much literature to read (2nd suggestion).
All good suggestions, I just wanted to say "welcome" too. There really is hope here - read as much as you can, go to meetings (there is a directory at the top of the page). I found that when I really made up my mind, and made a few really quite small changes, things changed. However, when I dithered and fretted, and just HOPED for change, nothing got better - it instead got worse. You can't change him, but you can change yourself.
