The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Well, here goes nothing…(or should I say everything) My name is Amanda. I am 24 yrs old. I am married to a wonderful man for about 3.5 years now. We have the most adorable baby boy who is 7 months old.
My father has been an alcoholic for all of my life. My mother, and brothers (19 and 13) still live with him. Life growing up was far from good. I remember being called names, calling names, screaming fights all the time, having eggs cracked on my head because I wasn’t making them right, praying every single day for someone to take me away from all this. Now, I’m out on my own and live right down the road. Ironic, huh. However, I feel that I need to be here for the sake of my brothers and mom. Why should they be stuck? I remember having nowhere to go, and now I tell them everyday they always will have somewhere to go (my house). I know that I am “asking” to be in the middle of all this, but I feel it’s where I need to be. Trust me, I want to escape so much, but I simply cannot leave them behind. My dad was clean about 8 years ago for about 1 year. Then, before the birth of my son in Feb, he decided it was time again, after I warned him he will not know his grandson. I cried with joy the day my mom told me he was going in. He started drinking again about 3 months after that. It has all gone down hill after that.
I understand that it is a disease. I know that I cannot change anyone except myself. I understand he is going to blame everyone else. But how do I handle it when my mom and 13yr old brother come crying to my house because grandma (his mother) is blaming them too. Maybe if you would have done this differently, maybe if you would spend more time w/ him. I try my hardest to reassure them that while they are not perfect, this is NOT their fault. I try to explain to my brother that he shouldn’t be so sassy (a teenager) and I remember being the same way and how it felt. All I wanted to do is punch him in the face. However he cannot understand that yet. My mom wants desperately to get out but isn’t prepared for the drama/work in doing so. I try to encourage her to be strong, live her life, and be happy, although it will be a long rocky road getting there. She is a very happy person, and I hate seeing the life sucked out of her. My other brother (19) is such a good person too. He is attending college, working 3 jobs and dreams of becoming a “Cage” fighter. He is so dedicated to everything he is doing. I am very proud of us all for being such good people even though we have went through so much. But, there is so much recovery and healing we need to do. My heart literally aches as I type this. We’ve attended some al-anon meetings, however they are 30 mins away on Sat morning so we’re not that dedicated.
And then, I am worried sick about becoming an alcoholic myself. No, I do not drink heavily at all, however the thought still lingers. I really hope that reading some of your stories and struggles will help me to realize I am not alone and to get over my past and make a future for my family. But I said before I can’t leave my mom and brothers behind.
Thank you all for reading my long-winded story. (Which isn’t even the half of it) It feels good to finally not be hiding anything. I wish you all the best of luck w/ your recoveries!
I too am from an Afamily. I know the torment of having a father who drinks and all that goes with it. I am also in a relationship with anA!! Not an unusual pattern it seems. I see from your post that you are a very caring person and seem to be willingly caring for all your family members. This shows much kindness of spirit.
Sometimes, I spend all of my energy making sure everyone else is okay too...and then eventually I reach burnout, and now I realise I have to look after myself first....
If I don't look after myself first, I will have no energy for anyone else....
When I was new to recovery I tried to read as much as I could on the subject of addictions, and found my growth and comfort.
Congratulations on your little boy and your happy family life. I hope you find the understanding and recovery here that you deserve also. There are many people here who really care...we have all been through our journies...
Welcome to the MIP family. Thank you for sharing with us your struggles. When I read your story I put my own kids in that place years from now; which I should not do as projecting is part of the stinking thinking that I can get myself into. However I do empathize and understand your devotion to your family. Sounds like you and your brother are doing well on your own. Your mom chooses to stay and of course little brother is there because mom is there. If your mom chooses to leave she will have the support she needs, but I can empathize in her fear, guilt, sadness. So many emotions attached to all this that has to detach before a courageous move like that can be done. Getting healthy for you is the best thing you can give yourself and your new family. You will be healthier and much more emotionally present as oppossed to staying enmeshed with everyone else's stuff. Its easy to get caught up in everyone else's stuff to take the focus off our own recovery. Keep coming back it does work if you work it.
Hugs,
Twinmom~
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"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
Amanda: Well i heard all about the family stuff. I have had my own issues with a sister who drinks. I felt such a powerful need to be connected to her for a long time. I feel for her boys who only know that. She is a secret drinker now (gone from being an overt one). That is tough tough stuff to be around that.
How is your relationship? How do you manage conflict.
It may be that your mother chooses to leave when the kids get older. Who knows. I know you are absolutely right in saying that it is a lot of work to get out it requires concerted effort. Soemtimes some of us are not up to it. I know for me it can come out of the blue at a certain point it is over and then its a question of putting it all together. Of course if you have been diminished by years of abuse that's not an easy thing either.
I am glad that you are here. We also have a sister program adut children of alcoholics I think for me that is helpful too.
Well Manda you have taken on quite a job . Saving your mom and brother from yor father . It's hard to see that your mom has a choice just like u did when u left to make a better life for yourself if mom won't go to Al-Anon for herself I hope u go so that u too can have a life. I am assuming your brother is a teen ager , perhaps there is a Alateen meeting in your town that u could take him too , it would help so much for him to relaize just as we do in program that we are not alone.
Please find al anon meetings for yourself and get happy.
