The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I've gone through my lumps with my A the last few days. Its amazing the more my eyes are being opened to reality the more I see how dysfunctional and sick he is. This disease really destroys people. Some of this that I'm seeing is the disease and some of it is his own unhealthy upbringing coming through. He really is still a child emotionally. Oppositional, willful, stubborn, and relentless. Just like my 3-year olds when they don't get their way their favorite thing to say to me right now is " I don't like you anymore Mommy".
I really believed that I have been working towards a solid future with this man the last four months, but in one swoop he pulled the rug right out from under me and said he is not in love anymore. Just two weeks he was telling me how he couldn't live without me and what a blessing I was to his life and having me and the kids is just the most awesome part of his life. Wow!! what happened? I screwed up one day and scheduled something on the day he had band practice. I called for an alternate babysitter but that was not good enough. Because he was convinced that I was purposely sabotaging this new band he carried that anger right into our therapy appointment and begins taking my inventory about all the things I have not accomplished in the 4 plus years we have been together.
Well yes he's right my life stopped progressing when my Codependency flared up and I lost me. I stopped living and doing for me. That is true, but now I'm coming back from the dead and it takes time to repair and get back what is lost. It hurt no doubt. After truth has been revealed I see how sick and damaged this person is and how sick and damaged I was and where that has left us. I can't repair this on my own. He has to want to get better too and want recovery but he doesn't. He chose to relapse on Friday night after I told him that if he does not have unconditional love for me right now right where I'm at then he doesn't need to be with me and I don't want to be with him. He got plastered and spent half the paycheck money.
Who needs this? Who needs this pain? Who would want this pain? I'm not sick anymore I no longer believe that I deserve this. Just the opposite I long and yearn for a life that is full of joy and spending it with my children and healthy people. I'm tired of living in oppression. Its amazing a healthy person would respond much differently to my statement. Then again a healthier person would have been upfront and honest with me a long time ago. Please pray for me group to make the right choices for me and my family. I know I'm strong and I know HP is with me, I just need the courage to go forward. Thanks for letting me share.
Hugs,
Twinmom~
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"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
Twinmom, you have my sincere hopes, prayers, and positive thoughts. Picking up and moving forward is not for the faint of heart, but when it's time to buck up and do it, the strong among us can see it through. You'll be just fine.
With caring, Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
I will fold you into my prayers as well. I am going through something very similar right now. It is very tough and is largly based on expectations of the future. Her behavior right now is unacceptable to me. Will she ever get help, and if so will she be able to behave in a way I can live with ... ever?
Like you, I feel like I am getting better.... but I have a long way to go. I have no intention of putting up with this forever. I love her... I mean really love her, but knowing that she is sick just isn't enough to make me stay here watching her die indefinitely.
I can't tell you what to do, and you don't need that anyway. I don't have it in me right now to say stuff like " ... maybe he's saying that because he hit a deep guilt pit, but he may pull out of it " I am worn out making excusses for my AW.
I do have it in me right now to say, you are very strong and smart and you are getting so much better. Whatever decission you make, weather it is today or 2 years from now... you have a lot to be proud of for taking charge of your life and chosing to get better. You and your kiddo's deserve that. I think you are a great Mom... hang in there!
Take care of you!
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
Twinmum: The money stuff is huge for me. The A has spent so much money on his drugs, his friends his business. There is zero for me or for the house. I have given up though chipping in. I get paid every two weeks. Last night he was hungry. I just told him point blank that I did not have it. I did not shout, cajole nothing. I just said I do not have it so he went out and bought his own food. Like a child he expects me to somehow make up for the money he loses on his drug excursions, friends messing him up excursions.
I think its projection when they focus entirely on your problems. After the A had crashed the truck caused thousands of dollars of damage to it and not even bothered to tell me he starts going on about 4 years ago I once spent a lot on groceries. That is a crazy making situation! I can understand how hard it is to listen to that being heaped with criticism stuff. I can also understand that this is the "norm" if there is a norm for alcoholics. When they are in relapse mode that is the way they behave. One minute they are showering one with affection and the next critizing in the same zeal.
Detaching from that can be very very difficult.
I have been going to therapy for a few months that really super helped me for a long time to focus on me and my issues. Then my therapist quit (she is an intern) and I am waiting for another to be assigned to me. I think its very admirable you went to therapy with him and tried to talk about your issues.
