The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I'm new here... I've been going to alanon meetings for 4 months. working the program best I can.
I'm contemplating though... thinking about my husband's recovery, and moy own. He's about 2 months sober, fresh out of round 2 of rehab. the first round was voluntary, second round was court mandated.
we are in our early 30's. I keep waiting for something to happen to make me feel like its ok to have kids. how long do I have to wait? what am I waiting for? I don't think I'm waiting for me... I think I'm waiting for something to change between my husband and I. I keep trying to be careful about my expectations... to not have them, basically. To take it easy. But I'm struggling with feeling like I'm waiting for his head to get straight, for him to mature in some way... you know how they say the A's stop growing emotionally when they become sick...? sometimes i wonder tho... maybe its me? you know, cause alanon's all about looking at yourself... doing it for yourself... when we argue, is it me?
when we argue, which is almost daily, little tiffs, though they can be nasty, but they blow over... but we have them and they are negative... not a good atmosphere for a little one... no way could I conscoiusly bring a little one into the picture.
I guess really, we're both changing... the contemplation is though... what if as we change, we grow apart? is my marriage doomed to end? most women in alanon are divorced (in my meetings anyway)... I guess we never know. and since I don't know now, I spose I'm not meant to know now... my Higher Power will let it happen, whatever it is, when I am ready I guess.
as he becomes sober, and as time passes, will he be the man that he once was, during that time of sobriety before his last relapse? am I the same women? will we love again, or is it just because its easier to stay than to go?
Well this place is a good place to be if you want to look at what could be. There are people here who have very very successful relationships with a recovering alcoholic. There are also people who have chosen to leave.
I do know recovery is a hard thing. I got a dog with the A and I regret it deeply because it is one of the things that tie us together. At the same time I'm not about to take the dog back. Nevertheless the more time I have had with the A the more ties we have , vehicles stuff like that together. I think children can be a great tie, they can also be a great leveller. For many of us wanting to create a better environment for our children is a catalyst for change. I wanted children as a young person but I knew I had many many issues from my childhood I chose not to have them. I think choosing is the right thing to think about.
I also know my own recovery, as hard and difficult as it is is very very difficult to look at. The way I play martyr, victim and more. I also know that I wanted so so much to belong to the A I put myself last and let my needs go and made the center of the universe him. In Al-anon I choose to make the center of the universe me not him. I choose to have a life regardless of where he is on the drunkaton or as a friend of mine puts it the lieathon.
Welcome. So sad for you to be in such a hard place with your husband.
Alanon is a great place to be. I promise all your questions will be answered. Sometimes it takes awhile.
Sadly an addict is an addict all their life. They can be sober any amount of time and relapse at anytime. It is a life long disease, it does not ever go away.
All we can hope for is for them to get into AA and develop their own program of recovery. They learn the things they choose to change about themselves and put them to practice. They work on the symptoms of their disease, drinking or using is just one symptom of their disease, so they work on being sober.
Lieing is another they may choose to stop. Mine stopped cussing, he was kinder and really worked on thinking about others and not just himself.
I cannot imagine having children with an A. I just could not do that to another human being.
Sobriety is nothing, if anything without a program it can make them meaner,more touchy, quiet univolved. They are constantly fighting the drive to use.
A twelve step program helps them so much.
As for you, Alanon can help you to think more about you. You learn we have no control over the A. We stop even bringing it up to them as it is not our concern. We think about how we feel,what we want.
We stop looking at what they are doing all the time, and learn to think about the things we are doing. We have our own 12 step program to work on. We read our literature, we go shopping and get US stuff not them.
Mine was not even living with me and I was getting him some shorts and tops. I was like,"what ammmmm I doing???" puttem back and got some for me.
I reread your post.Ok from what i see, the concept of surrendering and taking one day at a time may be what you would like to get into.
for me I sorta relaxed and gave my life to my hp. I do the steps, like my mortgage was a mess. I relaxed and knew no matter what my hp would make things ok. I called the bank I called the mortgage co. did all I could and let it go. Did not wait for the phone, just did my work and left the outcome to hp.
I take one day at a time,it has made my life so much better. I can only do so much, think about so much. So I do as much as I can and rest more.
A lot of your questions, you will know when you know. Sometimes it is really ok to stop thinking about the serious stuff. Of course you will grow and change, we all do. But from my experience it will just happen slowly and all of a sudden you will realize, oh I really do live one day at a time.
Or you will realize you feel more comfortable in your own skin. You will also realize the having children question, you have already answered.
We can only have tiffs if we participate. We can only argue if we join in.
We can say, maybe you are right. or ok. or hmm do you think so?
Or we can say, I am going to go read or I am going to the store and remove ourselves.
Everyone is different. We can only take things as they come.
Welcome to MIP!! All your questions are really good concerns and valid. My A and I were in a couple's recovery meeting not too long ago and an old timer and his wife who made it through the hard years of recovery said that recovery and marriage is like a heart. At the base of the heart is Alanon, AA, and the desire for recovery and the love each of you has for one another. As you work your program and your husband works his program you split and go off in seperate directions. Basically you each have a path of recovery to take, but at the top of the heart all that you acheive and learn in recovery comes back to you and your husband and creates a stronger marriage. That is the hope anyway. He never talked about what happens along the journey; which I'm unfortunately finding out that recovery looks like nothing I ever imagined. I do know that my A is an unsatisfied person who gets angry and irritable over little things. I have learned to stay out of his recovery whatever that might look like for him. I just focus on myself. I'm getting healthier but he's still stagnant and struggling, nothing I can do about that. Its a tough place for kids to be that is true. I have two 3 year old's I've managed to sheild them from the drinking but I have not successfully sheilded them from his angry tirades and cussing. I hate it... I just let them know that Daddy is not being appropriate and I let him know in front of the children that his choice of words is not o.k. I am faced with some hard decisions right now myself but I know that I have HP and this program and we'll get through it no matter what. Hang in there, it gets easier for you, only your A can choose his path in recovery.
Hugs,
Twinmom~
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"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
I am fairly new myself to the program. For me this is a very hard question. But I am learning to live my life differently then I did before. Not only emotionally, spiritually and financially too. I love my A no doubt in my mind. But the question I still have is do I want a life with my A or is my life without my A better for me. For me that is a question I still can't answer. I am not sure if my A is in a program or not I don't want to ask I don't want to know. That may sound mean but for me it isn't about his recovery because I can't do anything to help him. It is about mine and what I need to do for me to get better. I can't give you advice but I can tell you I do understand what you are going threw. In time the right answers will show themselves to you. Just have faith in you and your HP and they will show you the way.
