The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I've been going through a really hard hard time with the A. He is out there on drugs a lot. He is also out there in his thinking and his grandiose plans. I have been trying to focus on me and my issues and what I need to do.
And I do pretty good at it somedays. I found a job, not a great job but it was something and meant that I did not have to borrow money. Then this week the manager only scheduled me for 3 shifts and I felt like a victim.
I can't manage on 3 shifts and I can't cut back much more on my spending. I only have so much I can play around with. Everything in me wants to take it personally when it isn't personal to me. The manager made a mistake with the schedule he has me double booked with someone else. He's paid a price for that in that he had to come in overnight and work. He is not targeting me saying oh I don't care about her and her needs.
I know I really hate it when the A does the victim stuff. Nevetheless I have my own victim stuff. It is taking everything I have not to cave in about not having the money I need this week. I have plans, I have issues I have to contend with I did not need to lose a shift this week. This week of all weeks. How hard it is for me not to be the "victim" and not to sucumb to the poor me's.
I think I feel the most like a victim when I am not taking care of myself, when I am not asserting boundries for myself, and whenever I am looking for outside affirmation from people who cannot give me any sort of affirmation, being as they cannot give themselves affirmations.
I also know what it's like to work a job and feel as if my needs are not being met. The interesting thing about this conundrum was that when I showed willingness and assertiveness and was clear about my boundries to my colleagues and my superiors, I was given more responsibility and more shifts, especially with persons I enjoyed working with. By asserting my boundries, my level of flexibility, and praticing the principles of program as best I can in the environment I'm in, I believe I am showing my superiors and colleagues that I am a person who is self respecting and feels self worth. As a result, I am willing to give it to others, and ask that it be given to me. This has obviously taken a great deal of time, a great deal of work and a GREAT deal of prayer. But I remember something I read in a magazine: when I believe that the world is loving, forgiving, accepting and wants me to be in it, I will return these feelings unconditionally.
Well I should say that negotiating ambivalence is a core issue for me. The job I do currently is physical. It is hard physical labor. I have not done that in decades. I did a lot of over time a while ago and I will be paid for that this week so I will not necessarily be immediately out of pocket on the 3 shift issue. The issue is for me how immediately I go to "victim". If I go into self pity and resentment (and it is a little hard for me to hold a resentment at the manager who I know made a mistake that was not personal to me but nevertheless I can do it!), I'm in trouble. The issue is carving out new paths for myself. I am very very very angry at the A for his behavior most of all for crashing the truck and acting like its nothing. He's off into his little fantasy world of the life he is going to live someday he has no remorse, no plan to fix it nothing. I can spend my life resenting him and finding resentment around every corner or I can keep working the painful difficult, deliberate steps of overcoming obstacles and let go...
*smiling* Victim is default mode for me. Whenever I feel like someone is ignoring me, discounting me, or neglecting me, BOOM! there I go. I'm a victim, feeling so sorry for myself. Feeling so angry at you. Hating the world.
My job too is labor intensive. On my feet. All day.
I actually practiced on members of my sponsorship family before I did it with my employers/colleagues at work. I rehearsed, rehearsed, rehearsed until it just "clicked." When the situation arose, it was exactly like I rehearsed.
