The material presented
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Hello my name is Leah, been here B4 but not for awhile. Have more than one A in my family but right now it is my Father who is my biggest worry/concern. His wife (not my Mother) died this year (she was an A also) and he went downhill even further than he already was. He drinks ALL the time,,,doesn't do anything but drink and watch tv. He has developed dementia, which I am sure is because his brain is so soaked with booze. He doesn't take care of himself, has to be told to bathe, change his clothes, and 'please Dad eat something!.' He no longer drives (thank God ) because he almost hit 3 people on the sidewalk, but he's been hit carrying his freakin' case of beer across a busy street. I am starting to feel such anger and frustration with him now as he has gotten worse if that is possible *sigh* Looking into his eyes you can just see there is no one at home. I battle tears and rage wanting to scream at him to 'STOP THE DAMN DRINKING AND SEE WHAT YOU'RE DOING TO YOURSELF AND US!!!!!' He's being moved to a new place, the old one is beyond words for the filth,,,,,and I am just so so scared what he will do in this new place and where will we put him if something happens that causes him to be evicted. I know alcoholism is a disease and I try to remind myself of that when I see him in all his 'drinking glory',,,,,but sometimes that just doesn't want to register with my common-sense line of thinking and instead of wanting to help him I just want to get out of there and go home. I'm sorry for my vent,,,,,I just knew that saying what I said here would be understood as it just isn't when I ever attempt to explain 'things' to people whose lives have never been tainted by alcoholism...Leah
I am so sorry for your pain. It helped me when I learned the three C's. You did not cause it, you cannot cure it and you cannot control it. I have many A's in my life too. They are just not as progressed into the disease as your father. Keep coming back here and try to attend 6 f2f meetings. It really helps to learn how to cope with the disease. Drinking is only a symptom of the disease. It is a family disease and we each have our own symptoms. The only thing you can control is how you react and handle what is happening with your dad. I was always crazy and mad while trying to control the uncontrollable. You can find peace.
It is always heartbreaking to watch someone you love slowly kill themselves. Love for their family and friends has nothing, and I mean nothing to do with it when they are in the throws of this hideous disease.
Unfortunately dear one, there is nothing you can do for him. Frankly that sucks for the family members. An addict is going to do what an addict is going to do, and there's nothing you can do. I don't know if you can try and intervention. From what I have been told from other recovering addicts, it will only work if there's a part of them that is ready for that. There's no gurantees.
Some wise and wonderful person first asked me when I came to Alanon, if I was prepared for the fact that my A might be willing to die for his disease? I thought that they were insane. They also told me I should prepare myself to say goodbye. That wasn't going to happen to me. What I didn't realize was that, he was already gone. He was there drinking away, passed out but that wasn't the man I married. They were right. I had to prepare myself. I had to get stronger. I had to start taking care of me. Because if this man did leave my life, what would happen to me? How would I handle it? Could I handle it? I saw him try so many times and fail that I did slowly prepare myself to say goodbye emotionally. I didn't give up on him, but I couldn't just focus on him anymore. I was dying for his disease. I had to heal.
This sounds like a complete downer reply. I don't believe in sugar coating things. However, I am here to tell you, almost 1 year later (Sept. 1 is my alanon anniversary), that recovery is possible for both. It's been a long hard journey. Hubby is now 100 days sober and every day is a battle for him. It's been a long road for me too. The journey isn't over for either of us. Had he not stopped drinking, we'd be living apart. I would have continued my recovery come heck or high water. I have fallen many times, but been picked up by the loving support of my family here. There is always hope dear one.
Love and blessings for you and your family. I will say an extra prayer for your father and you. Remember he still loves you regardless of what his disease says and does.
Live strong,
Karilynn
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
Leah, I am so glad you're here. I can tell you're hurting. Perhaps you may consider going to some regular (face to fact) al anon meetings. Or, if you prefer, coming to some meetings at the web site. What your father is going through is classic alcholism to his bottom. Know you are in my thoughts and prayers.
Hello again ,,,, I just wanted to thank those who took the time to write something in response to my post,,,,"Thank You." You have all offered me good words of advice and I so appreciate your time in doing so. I had gone to f2f Alanon meetings for a couple of years but slowly dropped out because things at home got too intense and the meetings and sharing was just using up too much of my limited mental resources. I may consider trying some online f2f,,,,,used to do those as well.
What 'Just Me' wrote about the 3 C's,,,,I just wish it was that easy to accept those 3 C's! I know I didn't cause it, know I definitely can't cure it but somehow I still feel I can control it even if the control is only as simple as saying 'No Dad I can't drive you to the liquor store."
I just worry something bad may happen to him,,,,his wife died while drunk in a stupid very preventable accident in their home.
I want to go and visit him sometimes in his new home but the visit always consists of sitting there watching him drink and drink and then maybe asking for a drive to the liquor store. 'That' is the extent of time with my Father now. I am embarrassed by how he looks and even ashamed and I don't know whether I should allow myself to feel that way because afterall he is my Father. Such a waste,,,,just such a waste,,,,,,,,and sometimes I look at other men his age,,,,men who are Fathers and I can't help but feel a pang of jealousy,,,,guess that isn't right either to feel though.
Again thank you for your caring words,,,,,,means a lot to me,,,,,,Leah
Thanks for your honest post. We all have to come to our own realizations including your father. Some people won't or can't reach out for help. My father was one of those. But there is always hope. When you read Bill W.'s story he was hopeless. Even the doctors had given up. And he found his HP and look what he gave us. Consider f2f meetings on down the road. They sure help me stay on a more direct path.
