The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
i know better. went to a water park yesterday for my daughter's birthday. ex ah came along to help. we drove seperatly to accomidate all the kids. i was grateful he could be sober and help. but 2 hours in a car with all that time to think was not good for me. but the day went well, everyone had fun. 2 hours to drive home, again just barely hanging on to my sanity. dropped off extra kids and the family went to dinner. after dinner i asked ex ah how he was going to get home because we had borrowed my mom's van so he could drive that with the big kids. my mom had suggested ex drop the van off to her house when the day was done so i suggested that to him. ok so he starts calling around for someone to pick him up from my mom's. no one he knows is sober enough to drive. here's where my stupidity kicks in, or my disease shall we say....i say to him if he doesn't need to drink or get high he can stay on the pull out couch and we can do the van drop off in the morning. i know this is a bad idea for me and the kids. but this other part of me is saying that's what i would offer to any friend in this situation. he kinda laughed and said he'd call his mom. well, he finally got a hold of someone and he left. he called when he got to where ever it is he is staying to tell me that van was at my mom's and to thank me for the spend the night offer but he has so many emotions that he wouldn't have slept and it would have been to hard to be that close to me balh blah blah. after he told me that day he hasn't slept since we split in feb. i went home and felt so low, very rejected. and then the phone call made me feel worse. gosh, he is a drunk, active addict who lives with his mother and sister, doesn't support his kids in any way shape or form, doesn't take care of his mental illness, doesn't have a car, has a crappy job, gets beat up at bars. i'm saying, he is no one i would ever choose to spend my time with. but here i am spending my time with him. we do have kids together, and my best friend is having a baby so i don't like to impose to much on her and her hubby. i go to my meetings and i know i have love and friends there. but as far as i feel i have come; i slid so quickly. and in the course of our relationship i never felt rejected by him. he never played that card with me. i don't know why, he played every other card. so, i am low today and sad and lonely. and i hate this feeling. i really hate it. if i were an alcoholic i would be drunk just so i didn't have to feel this feeling. insted i am sober and i am feeling. i guess the flip side is that if i can feel this feeling so intensely i know i can also feel intense joy. which my ex ah obviously can't. either way this stinks.
Whenever I'm feeling like "What was I thinking?!" usually I realize that I a) wasn't thinking, or b) was genuinely trying to be thoughtful. To me it sounds like you were trying to be thoughtful.
You're doing great. As we say in the program, Name it, claim it, dump it. The feelings don't have to own you, honey. You can let go.
My AHsober basically amputated our relationship and then has crept back to where we are now. I allow him to push all my buttons. I tried to "amputated" him back and not ask for anything and treat him like he treats me meaning no contact, phone calls are rare, and never asking me for anything. Whenever there is a decision to be made or contact, I take a minute to ask my HP for the right words to say. Whatever comes out of my mouth, I assume that my HP had some say in it. I find myself saying stay overnight, help me with the chores, and let's go see our son at college. When the interaction turns out good, then I feel like I have made a mature decision. When the interaciton with my H turns out poorly, I think that my HP is telling me to learn a lesson. Either way I say to myself that interacting with an A will never be easy. Hope this helps.
Well, I want to say love is a choice. Is it still him you love or are you just lonely? If you are then take yourself out. By yourself. Have a nice dinner. Be your own best friend. Don't beat yourself up..sounds like you just fell into a previously comfortable place.
