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Today I am limp. The realization of what is to come has hit me like a ton of bricks. He will not talk about his problem; changes the subject at the mere mention of what comes next. Refuses to get help. Says he doesn't need help. Yeah, right! He has been asleep since 5 p.m. yesterday afternoon when he collapsed unconscious, and it's now 10:30 a.m. the following morning. He bought three bottles of liquor yesterday. When he got home, one bottle was completely empty, and another half full. So let's correct my former statement to 1 1/2 fifths of sherry. Now that's enough to make anyone swear off the stuff forever!! LOL!! I accidentally found the receipt after he came home, and jumped into the swimming pool fully clothed. wallet and all. Yes, ok so I enabled. I attempted to save his wallet and contents, and therein lay the receipt. Do I care about him anymore? Of course I do. But my heart is broken. I feel betrayed, I have been lied to, and it is time for me to take the stand I said I would.
Spoke to younger son, Eric, last evening who wishes that I would come to Seattle instead of Hawaii. But, he and his girl have their own lives, and really...who wants a mom who is a basket case herself stepping into their lives? He is so wise. I honestly don't know where he got his deep wisdom, but he has had it since he was a young boy. He makes so much sense it's almost scary! If I would follow his advice to the letter, I know my life would be better quickly. "Get out of the relationship, sell the house, and leave!!"
But it's this broken heart that is killing me.....
-- Edited by Diva at 11:35, 2006-08-27
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
The pain of a broken heart is worse than any I know...so sorry, Diva. I always read your posts and you are the epitome of compassion, logic, and truth. It sounds to me as if you need to follow your advice and listen to that broken heart. You deserve a good life and I think you have the fortitude to get it. My thoughts and prayers are with you today. Your HP will lead and guide you to the right decision. Yes, I sometimes hate that statement and think it is too difficult to trust in it, but eventually we come to the point where we know that we have been led. Take care of you.
Dear sweet lady, I know exactly how you feel and it is painful...I just don't understand how someone can chose alcohol over love....and it happens every day......sometimes the pain of it all is just too much to handle.....
Do what you have to do for your own sanity dear lady....I have been taking small steps to improve my life.....I want a happy life....a peaceful life....as I am sure you do as well....Addicts are very selfish people who at times only think of the high...and how sad is that? In the realization that we can not help them if they do not help themselves we can find some peace....we can take our lives back....we can be happy...
I am praying for you to find some inner peace dear friend......
It's pure and simple grief. The death of a relationship. It's not really much different then truly losing them. The only thing you can do is walk through it. Time really does help. It doesn't take the heartbreak away but you learn how to live with it. I know that doesn't help much right now but I do know you will recover.
When I lost my daughter I thought I would never be OK again. I thought that kind of pain could never go away. The thought of living the rest of my life in the pain of that loss was more then I could face on a daily basis. I so wanted it to go away. I used to burst out crying at certain songs playing over the intercom in a store, jump out of bed thinking that I heard my daughter cry. I was truly a mess. All the while dealing with an Alcoholic. Of course he was drowning his sorrows, leaving me completely alone in my grief.
Slowly, very slowly I learned to live with what had happened. I had to choose to sink or swim at some point. There were many crushing waves but eventually I walked to the shore.
There is light ahead dear ((Diva)).
Take care, Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
I am crying as I read your post. I am so sorry you are hurting. I truly understand your pain and Christy is right. All you can do is keep putting one foot in front of the other and get through it one day at a time. There is a line of a song that sums up how I feel about the ache in my heart most of the time.
How can my heart possibly break wehn it wasn't even whole to start with?
I read your previous post last night and I the sadness and heartache I feel for you I simply cannot convey. My heart goes out to you. I do know that no matter what you decide you have the strength and courage to get thru this. You are a survivor with a tremendous amount of will and grace.
Why yes, your son is wise and full of wisdom -after all, look at who his mother is! I am thinking family may be just what you need at this time. Pray on it, ask for guidance.
I have dear friend 13 years in recovery. One day (a few yrs ago) I asked while he was having a particular stressful time, “Are you afraid that the chance of you taking a drink is greater now?” He replied, “Tracey, the wind could change direction and I could take that drink.” That helped me understand a bit why he needed to work his program everyday and to see that there was no rhyme or reason to it at all.
I hope that during this unsettled time of disappointment and sense of grief you will take a bit of time to fully think things thru, to let the dust calm a bit? You have every right to feel everything that you are -the shock, the hurt and the anger -please allow yourself to go through these emotions.
Take a deep breath and breathe ~
I simply wish I had some magical words to comfort you now.
I'm so sorry your heart is hurt. The pain of betrayal and loss is overwhelming sometimes. I was watching a movie last night and heard the line "Time wounds all heals" and thought how sad but true that is in my case, maybe yours too.
I think I have a little idea of where your son gets his deep wisdom, I bet you wouldn't have to look very far to figure that one out
I am pretty sure I would love having my Mom around even wounded and help her heal. I bet they even have flights to Hawaii from Seattle too.
I too cried when I read your post, I know that pain. I too am going through a similar situation. My A drinks until he passes out. I am last on his "to do" list. With my mom gone now and my youngest son starting high school, there really is nothing that makes me stay married. My mother's funeral was July 29th I have seen my A 5 times since then, I am staying at mom's house to take care of things. It is on his way home from work and the bar. He has spent money and the last two weekends fishing with his friend. I haven't worked since June 10th, so money, to say the least, is tight. He is working a side job to finance his "fun".....and he thinks that's okay. I have went to my house, I don't even refer to it as home anymore. I am heartbroken, I feel betrayed, let down, deceived, and many other feelings, but mostly I feel sad. I will be moving on....when the time is right.
Think about Seattle, I live south of Seattle. It's wonderful here, it's green yearround, not much snow in the winter, we have had a beautiful summer and fall is gorgeous here. The ocean is about 2-3 hours away and the mountain ranges the same.
Broken hearts suck. For me the danger comes in where I do the "could haves/should haves/ would haves" I have to remember that I am perfectly in process with my higher power, and that, no matter what, I am honestly doing the best that I can. It's okay that I'm not always running on all cylinders. But what matters is how willing I am to try to.
To me, this is a disease of feelings as much as it is thinkings. Our feelings get so messed up we aren't sure what is a good path to take in livign with them, feeling them, or naming them. I understand completely how you feel.
Honey, look in the mirror and you will see where your son gets that deep wisdom from.
You are grieving my dear, and it hurts and it sucks. I wish I could snap my fingers and take it away for you but unfortunately you have to plow through it.
Know how well you are loved here and how many people have faith in you. You have given enormous amounts to others on this board.
I spend so much time at work telling people this and now I will say the same words to you. They are definitely tempered in love.
Yes, you are right, it hurts, it IS NOT fair but.....it is. It is up to you what you make of it. I am so sorry you have to go through this.
With kind, peaceful, loving thoughts,
lilms
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Two things: 1. Recovery is a process, not an event.....and.... 2. You only get to go around once. Leave em laughing and make it worth your while
Diva, it is even worse right now becuz he is still there. You still have to see him. This limbo part is so awful.
The sooner he is out of there, the sooner you will feel better. As time goes on, he will become further and further away.It is the having him there that is making it so more painful for you.
Diva I am concerned about you making any decisions right now. It is a big one to have him leave. You have a lot of healing to do.
As soon as he is gone, you need time to cry and hurt and heal some. I would not make any more decisions for a bit. My reasoning is, moving is a major stress in itself. then moving clear over the ocean....yikes.
Maybe your son is right. When ya do feel like you are ready to move, maybe put your stuff in storage or take it to Seattle. Get a nice little place for you and dogs and rest. Enjoy seeing your son. Let him care about you and help ya some for a bit. It would be good for him.
Please Diva, this my experience. right now you are broken. Your heart. Your mind too. It all goes together. you cannot make good decisions right now.
It does not sound like it has to be a rush hon. Think of it this way, if you break your arm, it doesn't matter how hard ya try, you cannot use it.
What you are going thru is serious stuff. What you need, so badly is to rest and heal.
Can you help him to move and get him set up in a place?
Or does he have a vehicle he can get in and go? Then have his stuff moved out to a storage thing for him?
I am afraid he is stalling as long as he can becuz the disease is hanging on tight.
Well anyway I am so glad you are coming here to keep us updated.
Please don't forget to take care of you. You are very wise, but right now you are very sick. We all go thru this crap, no matter how mature we are in alanon.
I am so very sorry to read of your pain and broken heart.
I have been there to and the thing that helped me was to research it. Yes, I had to find some sort of plan to MAKE me put one foot in front of the other and stop sitting at home crying as i had for months. I went to the library and read several books about healing a broken heart written by researchers and psychologists who had actually studied this and how others had healed. Why not learn from the wisdom of others?
Of course this is an unconventional approach, but I am an unconventional person (some say wierd, but I prefer "eccentric", LOL) in many ways. Actually the books helped me a lot. it was something to do, the book also had exercises and assignemnts and suprisingly when I was done I DID feel better and could function better.
Also a friend gave me some excellent advice. He was also greiving a mate and he said that he would "tell" his grief, pain, and broken heart to just accompany him as he went to work, shopping, etc. so he could keep on going and not be immobilized with grief. He told me to just keep on MOVING and just carry the grief with me and make it come along...I would lose some of it along the way eventually...and I did.
Also, your grief is normal and natural, like others have said you are grieving a death...the death of a relationship, trust, the belief that you could believe him at his word, the belief that he cared for the relationship as much as you did..these beliefs are all dying now.
You have spoken so lovingly of him, with such admiration and respect for his good qualities I can understand the depth of your grief now.
You have always given others such good and wise advice here...when they have been in too much pain to see it for themselves. That is what our loved ones do for us sometimes.
Your son clearly learned his wisdom from you! You taught him well, and now he is giving back to you.
Diva, take it from someone who has lived near (next door) or with her Mom most of her adult life. It has been a WONDERFUL blessing and I am thankful each day for it. Moms being in their adult children's lives has gotten a bad rap in our society but that is due to meddling Moms who think that their kids are really kids forever. They want to be near their adult children to fulfill their OWN needs, to keep their identity as a "Mom" as they have no other.
That is not true with my Mom and clearly not true with you. My Mom went to college to be a scientist and earned three degrees (one in biology, one in chemistry, and one in pharmacology) so she could be a research scientist before she even got married. Oh, and she worked her own way through college too. She would crochet delicate beautiful lace by hand and then hand sew it into beautiful white cotton artisan blouses. Being a Mom was just ANOTHER role in her life (but her favorite I think!), not her main identity. She was a fully formed human being before she even thought about having kids. Right now at age 78 she has purchased a keyboard and is teaching HERSELF to play the piano!
I can't tell you how blessed I am to have my Mom so close by to confide in when I need to or simply vent to. When my husband and I were separated she was a wonderul source of support and wisdom to get through it. I still want to be just like her when I "grow up", wait...too late, I am grown up already...well...I can keep trying...LOL.
Seriously, don't think you would be any kind of burden to your son or get on his nerves, you would be a BLESSING to him, and don't you forget that. You will surely give much more than you receive from him in comfort and love and support.
Diva, you are such a refined, interesting and gracious lady, I am sure your son feels the same about you as I do about my Mom, honor your son by BELIEVING him that he wants you near him.
Out of all of the wonderful blessings I have received from my parents in my life, the greatest gift they both gave me was letting me get to know them as "people" once I myself was a fully formed independent adult. Give your son that gift as well...you will both treasure it in years to come I am sure.
You can always go to Seattle and see how it works out, if YOU like the city and its surroundings. I hear the weather is beautiful and the scenary is breathtakingly beautiful and it too is on the coast...but you won't have to worry about lava flows!
You can always visit Hawaii, I have a friend there who knows of a family that rents out a little vacation home for a very reasonable fee for a month at a time.
Whatever you decide let your family and friends support you through this. You have given a lot of love and support to others and your son is probably happy to have a chance to give some of that back to you. I was never happiest as when i was able to give back to my parents in some way to show how much I appreciated all they had done for me.
Prayers for you dear Diva to heal your broken heart. Never stop reaching out to those who love and care for you, that is why we are here, to help each other through this journey of life, to share the joys and the sorrows.
Like many have said here-we all love you very much and can feel your deep sense of pain and loss. I agree with Christy....and Debilyn......nobody wants to feel this much pain. I tried desperately NOT to feel it,and believe me it still hits me in waves and when it does I feel crushed by the weight of it. BUT....I think it's very important to allow ourselves to feel that pain and work through it-not bury it so deep that it distorts everything we do from then on. I know how much you love your A- I'm still in love with mine even though he's been gone since February.The pain does ease in time,but still grips me at times.
Debilyn is also right,IMHO. You need some time to assess what to do. Please don't make any rash decisions at this time. You're a strong lady and one I admire immensely. I have a tendency to say things like "well,if he does this-I'm going to do that and to hell with it." I really mean it at the time too. And usually I do it. Of course Once I've actually done it,I can see that there may have been other possibilites. The hurt and pain and YES...GRIEF is so mighty and overpowering that we often can't see another way.
Give yourself some time out dearest Diva. Take some deep breaths and call on your HP to guide you. Your son sounds as though he is very wise,and the apple never falls that far from the tree.
Am truly sorry for your pain. Sending ((((BIG HUGS)))) and prayers.
When the time is right,you will know what you have to do for YOU.
I am so very sorry you are going through this! You are such a source of strength to all of us here who admire and respect you.
In some ways, I don't think there is any more baffling disease. Please remember, dear Diva, it isn't you he has betrayed, the horrible disease has betrayed both of you! He didn't drink to 'get back at you' in any way. He is an alcoholic, and that is what alcholics do. I honestly believe they have no control over it, after seeing the look in my A's eyes one time. He knew he had some Vodka stashed away in his cottage, and would have gone right over or through me to get to it. He looked like a man 'possesed'! I had never seen anyone like that before. When the alcohol has control over him, he is like a 100% different person.
When he is sober, we have an absolutly wonderful relationship. That's what keeps me here, or I should say, him here, (it's my house). I have never loved any man as completly as I love him, despite what I have been through with him, but if/when our relationship ends, it won't be ME leaving! My heart and soul have gone into my home, and hopefully,with HP's blessing, I will have many more years to enjoy it. It is my own personal Eden. It is where I have wanted to live all my life. Then again, if you have always wanted to live in Hawaii, go for it! This place is my dream come true, and I won't give it up for any-one! I know how fortunate I am to have realized my dream... so many don't. I have had a major struggle to keep it. My ex fought me all the way, and I worked very. very hard, under a lot of pain to get it paid for, but now it's mine. I pray that you too, will realize your dream come true, whatever it may be, and will find much happiness and serenity!! With much love, TLC
((((Diva)))) I am so very sorry that you are suffering right now.
I was married 15 years to an alcoholic that I loved very much.
In the end, when I left may 2005 when he could not stop the 3 year binge that he was on, my heart was completely broken. I felt if only he loved me enough…he would be able to quit. The destructiveness of alcoholism is so complete and total. It is truly a family disease, destroying in its path.
What I did when I left…because he refused to leave. I kept busy. Worked a lot. Went on chat here a lot. Rode my bike because I enjoy that. Keep busy Diva. Your mind, heart, and soul need whatever small respite that you can give them
In support and with love
Megan
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Megan
If you want things you never had you need to do things you have never done
I feel your pain... seems like everyone has about said it all...I'd like to offer you Lots of <<<<<<hugs>>>>> and prayers...
It's so hard to love someone so much and feel totally powerless in helping him get well...or even see his own sickness. I guess we have to remember (reminding myself too) love is not a one way street, it takes two to make it work. I too, feel like I'm walking alone...
Take care, and take your time to KNOW what YOU want. Leaving it NOT always the answer, I think we'll REALLY know when it is time.
It breaks my heart to think of you going through this dear friend. It makes me sad to think of his disease progressing. (It makes me sad to think of anyone going through this at all.)
Remember the love he has for you, has nothing to do with his disease. This is a cunning, powerful, baffling disease that does not care about people, places, things, love, or anything else. It only cares about where the next fix is coming from.
The reason why your son is the way he is, is because he's got his Mom's intelligence and heart. Look in the mirror dear friend. You are a remarkable human being full of life and love and so much more. You deserve a life filled with love and happiness. You are entitled to it. We all are. Somehow, some way we find our way out of the darkeness and into the light, only to find our friends reaching out arms to welcome you home. You'll find your way back.
I'll keep you and your family in my prayers. Love and many blessings to you.
Live strong,
Karilynn, Hubby & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
Love and many blessings to you.