The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
OK, for those of you who don't know me, my story is probably pretty much the same as yours, or we wouldn't both be here, right?
I, too, needed the St. Anthony Prayer Kari spoke of, "St. Antohony, St. Anthony, please come round, there's something lost that must be found." Me. I was missing. I should have put out a missing person report on myself!
I am currently in my 5th (yep, 5) marriage. This time to the love of my life. We have known each other for 28 years, together 2.5 years, apart 9 years, together again since 1997, married 6 years this Sept. 9. From 1997 to about 2003, we never even had a cross word between us. He is an A. But not my only A. The others had their share of problems. I could leave them and not look back. But not this one. And he wasn't even nice to me. Told me I was ugly, fat, called me terrible names. Threatened me, threatened my cats, my grown daughter, etc.
We've had our share of separation, arrests, restraining orders, courts, family members not understanding, ME on medication to help me deal with him........And thru it all, the drinking (his) effectively made me invisible. Even to myself. I was depressed, scared, lonely, overworked, stressed out, even landed in the psych ward for a few days last Oct. I was one miserable person, but I loved my husband. I loved him, but not myself. I couldn't figure out what was wrong with me.
Why couldn't he love me? Well, probably cos I couldn't love myself. I walked on eggshells, I begged, cried, hurt, ached, was a Martyr. I was willing to accept anything in order to save my marriage, and he knew it. I tolerated verbal abuse, a few physical episodes. My heart was in pieces, and so was my mind. I was broken. He was last arrested a few days after Christmas for prob. violation, and my daughter and her husband got involved. I was sick with bronchitis, alone. It was New Years Eve. I was alone.
Then I found Al-anon. I had gone to a few meetings years ago, but it didn't "take". Guess HP had other plans. I found this site by asking someone on an AA site where to find a good Al-anon place, and here I am. I have almost worn out a keyboard, typing.
He is back home now, and still drinking What has changed in my life? Everything. I am no longer the meek, scared, hurt little wife. When I want to say something, I say it. He doesn't act like a jerk very often now, but when he does, I state my opinion, but try to be rational and not just start stuff. And, surprise! He listens!
I was on depression medication, since Oct., have been off of it for 2 weeks, took me 5 weeks to get off of it. I have joined a women's exercise program, and have been working out 4 times a week. I am about 30 lbs. overweight, and am working on getting it off. I haven't even told him, it's my secret.....want to see if he will notice.
I got my hair cut in a cute, easy shorter style. I got some new makeup. I never used to want to spend money on myself, but I figure if he can spend his drinking why can't I spend it on something good for me. I work overtime a lot, so I feel like I deserve something for me now. I am learning to love myself again. Serenity surrounds me most of the time, even though my husband is still drinking, and shows no sign of slowing down any time soon.
It is true that "It works if you work it". I never could understand that before. But it does. I am living proof. I couldn't ever separate he and I, I loved him so much. He was my heart, but due to alcholism, I was not his. I did not want to live, did not see how I could get better without him getting better.
For almost 2 years, my husband would not hardly even kiss me. Slept on the couch a lot. He was so angry about all the chaos and the law being involved. Did not want me even around, but I stayed. So he left. I just worked my program, came here a LOT, started to heal. He came home on his own. I didn't even call him during his last "escape" when he was gone 7 weeks. I lived on this board and chatroom.
So, for anyone who is hopeless right now, keep coming back. You will find what you need here. I did. It takes a lot of work, but anything work having, does take a lot of work. We are in some ways a lot closer than we have ever been. I take it day by day.
I want to make my outside match my inside. I want to look good, have energy, dress nicely sometimes instead of sloppy old baggy jeans and T shirts, worn out tennis shoes. So far, I have only lost about 3 lbs. in 3 weeks, but that is a start. "If You're Goinig Through Hell" by Rodney Atkins is a great aerobics song, by the way! No kidding! And I feel good. I love working out, and it is right on my way home! HP is truly blessing my life, one minute at a time.
I also want to thank all of you who aided in my recovery! There are too many to mention, but you know who you are! I love you my Al-anon family who loved me when I could not love myself. Someday, my baby granddaughter will know the story of the people who saved my life. She says her little prayers at night before she goes to sleep, so she knows God is good. Hopefully, I canl share with her, because her daddy (my step-son) is an A, as well as her grandpas on both sides. And great grandpa. And who knows who else??? And I have a feeling she is going to need Al-anon herself. She's only 2, do you think that is projecting? LOL Maybe not???
What a GREAT post!!! Thanks for your courageous honesty, how loving of you to share your most painful moments to let us know how far you have come so you can share your HOPE!
I really needed to read this today. This weekend has NOT been a good one. My husband went back to work and managed to stay sober all week...to have a binge which started as soon as he came home from work Friday and has yet to stop...sigh.
By now he has so much alcohol in his brain he is a screaming horrible, greasy slimy (remember he smears jars of vicks vaporub all over himself INDOORS thinking that fruit flies are biting him) mess.
I asked him for the grocery money as Friday was payday. He got some backpay he had coming and it was around $1,000.00! Would you believe he screamed at me that he can't "afford me" and that I am "bleeding him dry" because I asked him for $50.00? And, I ALWAYS spend this money on groceries and household needs, never on myself and this has always been true the whole time we are married.
After this tirade he finally gave me the money with a few more screams, and my mom and daughter and I went shopping to get away from him. When we were done my Mom reminded me to switch grocery bags so he could not see what store we went to. See he is banned from our favorite local store since he caused a scene there trying to buy malt liqour before it was allowed on a Sunday. Since he is banned he claims it is "disloyal' of me to shop at a "corrupt store", sigh. When I got home he was sitting on the couch smeared all over with the vicks and the whole house stank like cough drops. It was surreal to think about what I have gotten myself into.
I stood there thinking about how far he has fallen and what a creep I think he is most of the time when he said "And you want to stay together? When all "we" do is argue?".
CALGON TAKE ME AWAY! LOL!
When did it become "we" who argue when all I did was ask him for grocery money and it was the amount we agreed on per week? Do you know how much effort and leg work it takes to feed a family of three on $50.00 a week with no junk food and everything cooked from scratch? Do I get a thank you? No! I get a "you are bleeding me dry" speech for $50.00 for THREE people!
I had a friend who was a single mom of two who used to make fun of me, she said that even on welfare she lives better than I do, LOL.
Well...it is hard to keep up any happiness in this situation, but still we try...LOL.
My mom was joking in the car about how once he gets fired from his job and loses his usefulness we will have to find an ingenious way to get rid of him. We joked about various methods, such as laying a trail of malt liqour bottles leading away into the woods, LOL, and changing the locks while he chased the trail and hopefully got lost in the woods while drunk.
Still...it would be nice to not need so much comic relief, an escape.
It would be SO nice to have a normal husband!
Thanks for showing it is possible to still find happiness despite chaos.
Isabela
PS I LOVE your HUGE FONT, LOL, I had NO TROUBLE reading this one! LOL!
Wow the growth in your post is amazing...I am so happy for you....you have found some inner peace and that is wonderful....keep working on you hon....
I am so glad you are enjoying the gym...good way to destress yourself.....and buying yourself some new things is great...hey, just think of it like this....no way are you spending as much as he is on booze, and he is just pissing it out...you have something to show for it...and that is fantastic...
I am happy for you dear friend.....keep up the great work...
((((Isabela, Andrea)))))Wow you guys just made me cry! Tears of joy and thankfulness for your understanding and encouragement.
Isabela, I am glad you have your Mom and daughter to be with. And you must have inherited your great sense of humor from your Mom! You have the gift to see the humor in an otherwise bleakful situation, and humor is, I'm sure, what has helped us survive the unthinkable in our lives. I can just picture your husband all covered in Vick's. Boy, think how miserable he would be if he was aware of anything! LOL At least everyone in your family should have very clear sinuses! My A also would say "we" argue all the time! Well, before I started speaking up, he could sit in the kitchen all night spouting off mean, nasty, foul things to me. And I wouldn't even answer, I'd be in the bedroom! One night he was so mad at something he conjured up in his mind, that he took all the chair cushions off the kitchen chairs, lined them up in front of the washer and dryer in the kitchen on the hardwood floor. And there he slept, using our bath towels as a blanket. Weird. The many ways this disease manifests itself never ceases to amaze me. I still want to work on my "lists" like you started. I'm sure mine won't be as good as yours as I have tried to block out so much that has happened. When I was still seeing my therapist, on the days I had an appt. I used to have to ask my friend at work what I needed to bring up, because I seriously couldn't remember! But she could! LOL. Hang in there, Isabela, it doesn't happen overnight. You are making great progress, too. And tomorrow, if I slip, I'm gonna get right back up, because my friends (like you) tell me I'm worth it!
Andrea, it is so great to have serenity. I don't think I've ever known it in my life like I do now. Exercise is so good for the body and the mind, too. I love it. And people don't have to join a gym to do it, it can be free! Just turn on your favorite tunes and dance like a fool! I do that a lot, too! LOL I can't wait to be able to get some smaller clothes. I don't shop anywhere expensive, just Kohl's markdowns and Wal-mart, and I don't buy a lot, cos I really don't have a lot of extra cash laying around. But, I figure whatever I spend, it is cheaper than a shrink or hospital bill! And you are right, the $$$ he spends is for nothing. Just to keep feeding his disease.
You are just WONDERFUL and it shows! I just really needed to hear some hope at this time and you sound a lot like me. It is amazing how we have little self-esteem and we are so dependent on men and then when we begin to feel better it just comes, bit by bit, and gradually, we begin to lose weight, to dress nicer, etc. and FEEL better!!!
YEAH for you! When AH and I separated in April I began Weight Watchers and have lost 25 pounds so far. I feel SO wonderful and everyone notices now. In fact, I went through a WONDERFUL clothes purge this weekend, and came up with three huge trash bags of clothes (2X, 1X) that I no longer fit in. It was the best feeling I have ever had!!!!
Thank you so much for your wonderful support here, you are a gem. Keep up the good work and caring and love that you have in your heart for people. Thanks for a positive post!!!!
I couldn't ask for better support than I get here. These days, I find myself happy even when my A is not. And even his "grumpy" days are getting fewer and fewer in between! Cool! Something must be at work in our little universe!
I just got to tell you this. After so many years of feeling ugly, depressed, not smiling, slopping around in ugly clothes......I had a good day yesterday. I was at the local dept. store, and a VERY nice looking guy (kinda reminded me of my husband if he wasn't an alcoholic, and getting older looking by the day by also smoking 3 pks of cigs) looked my way a couple of times. Nothing creepy, just it made me realize I wasn't frowning, wearing ugly slouchy jeans and tshirt. I was smiling, energetic, happy, and I guess it showed. Been a long time since I noticed a man looking at me! Hmmmm
Now don't get me wrong, all of my self-worth is not tied up in some stranger giving me an approving look, and I would never, ever, cheat on my husband. But, there's something that makes me feel good about getting that second look from someone. Puts the bounce back in my steps, I tell ya! I didn't need that guy's affirmation that I am getting/looking/acting better....but Whoot! He noticed! LOLNow....if I can only get my A interested in me........
I can relate to the expectations of the alcholic. Mine expects the world should revolve around him. And it did I put up with so so much. I put up with the friends who always came first. I put up with the mother who would want what she wants on demand. I would put up with the screaming, I put up with the abuse. I put it with it all being about him 24/7. And i put up with never seeing the red flags even when they were flapping right in my face. But I don't put up with it anymore. I choose life not to be invisible. At some point at the end of the long saga of the plan B I will walk away. Until then I remind myself not to abandon me anymore.
My stepmom who was married to my A father said she knew she was getting well when my father passed out at a press dinner with Rosey somebody..the guy who beat Sirhan Sirhan to get the gun after he shot RFK. Anyway Dad passed face first into his spaghetti and she kept one enjoying her dinner. He woke up about a half hour later! Dad also moved the furniture all over and she used to put it back. Finally she left it and when he woke up he wanted her to call the police! Much better to make them face their behavior
) marriage. This time to the love of my life. We have known each other for 28 years, together 2.5 years, apart 9 years, together again since 1997, married 6 years this Sept. 9. From 1997 to about 2003, we never even had a cross word between us. He is an A. But not my only A. The others had their share of problems. I could leave them and not look back. But not this one. And he wasn't even nice to me. Told me I was ugly, fat, called me terrible names. Threatened me, threatened my cats, my grown daughter, etc. 
No kidding! And I feel good. I love working out, and it is right on my way home!
Nothing creepy, just it made me realize I wasn't frowning, wearing ugly slouchy jeans and tshirt. I was smiling, energetic, happy, and I guess it showed. Been a long time since I noticed a man looking at me! 
Hmmmm