The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Yesterday was a big day. I got the keys to my apt. Yea! But the operative word was *small*. Very small. And my first thought was "OMG, My mom is going to rip me to ribbons."
So of course the dirvishes are whirling. I'm bracing myself for when my parents see it--my mom is giving me her futon and helping me move it in--so I'm just like "How am I going to deal with this?" My parents are notorious for things like "What were you thinking?!" "What's wrong with you?!" and things like that.
I just need to be reminded that I'm okay. That I don't need to absorb their stuff. Right now I feel like an emotional sponge. All of their "stuff" is "sticking" and I know, deep down, it's fear. It's the fear of "What if I mess up--that'll prove'em right!" It's the fear of "What if I don't do this perfectly--that'll prove'em right!" It's the fear deep down that my parents have been right all along and I am really *that* incompetent and helpless.
Thanks again for your love this past month. It's been priceless. I've needed every ounce.
Did you see that commercial with the guy in that teeny tiny apartment a couple of years ago? It was so cute, he kept his socks in a drawer under his coffe table and just made very effective use of space.
Make this a FUN challenge to fit your stuff in STYLISHLY!
Do research at the library into how to make the most out of small spaces. The best advice I can give you is to make always utitlize space, like get a coffee table with drawers underneath, get a sofa if you can that is raised off the floor so you can fit storage boxes underneath it with your clothes or whatever you need to do.
Underbed boxes are great, also you can fit smaller dishes into a cake server or something.
Getting your first place on your own is one of the most exciting times of your life. That was the first time I really felt like a "grownup".
Take pride in your place and people will sense that and hesitate to put it down. If you act all apologetic and like even you hate it people will pick up on your negativity and put it down to.
Keep saying OVER and OVER "it may be small...but it is ALL MINE!". Or things like "Well, at least it won't take long to clean!". Or even "At least it won't cost a bundle to heat and cool which means I am ahead of my time in this current pressure to cut down on using the earth's resources...don't you wish you had a place like this?!".
Keep raving about it and how much you like it and REALLY make this true! Try to decorate it nicely and cheaply, there are lots of shows on TV how to do this, or books at the library, really have fun with this!
I don't know how tall you are, but my Mom has a small place and she is really petite and when people comment on it she says "well, I am a small person so it fits me JUST FINE!" LOL!
Boy do I know how you feel. My mother is a toxic negative force in my life. I learned JADE...justify argue defend and explain. That is what I would be doing with her all of the time! I now refuse to buy into all her crap! I just say Stop it Mother! It is my life and I am doing what makes me happy! Besides I am exactly where I am supposed to be right now.
When I divorced my A we had to move into a home I bought out of foreclosure. It was a mess. But slowly I am digging my way out. I still have money in the bank and I am living with the things that at first I thought would be unbearable. So my bathroom sink doesn't work right...and my tub is cracked and the windowsill is broken. The tile floors are horrendous and the storage well....We are cramped. I am learning to clear up the clutter and get better organized. I am saving to remodel it the way I always have wanted. But what is more important is it is mine and I can afford it! I love my neighborhood and my neighbors. Even though it is in a so/so area. The affluent area we lived in before no one even said hello to me. So I have learned to get over myself. That people are people and I need to quit being a snob because now I am a single mother who is struggling.
My daughter goes to a goverment funded school instead of the private one I had picked out. But she is happy and learning so much everyday. Like kids come in all colors and they speak different languages. So I have to shop at Wal-Mart and I could not afford coffee when I went to the store yesterday. I'll drink tea instead! Life is a journey that hopefully helps you to grow into a better person with each lesson.
I hope this helps you with your parents....I also hope I will not be judgemental of my child. That I will be supportive and loving at all the crossroads of her life.
You don't say how YOU like the apartment...? If you like it and it's just right for one person, tell em so. You don't need to defend yourself, and ....you've been around long enough to know what other people think of you (or your decision) is none of your business, right?
Knowing how your parents will react, I think I would put myself in the "I love this place mode".."It's perfect".."It's small and just what I need". I don't know to what degree your parents will take their complaining but I know if my daughter was acting happy about it and thought her place was perfect, I'd just let her think it ..lol
You know, if you stay focused in acting like the place is wonderful it is going be obvious that one person is griping and the other is continually saying "I love it" As I said, no need to defend because if you love it (or act it) , what is there to defend?
Keep an Attitude of Gratitude (((Tiger))) hold on to it tightly. Christy (Cjo)
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
Congrats on your first place tiger. It's yours, all yours, you took a very brave strong step.
As your changing, it's upsetting the apple cart, so to speak...causing a change indirectly in your parents life. Of course your going to get all kinds of flack....As don't like change.
My first apt was a one room spare bedroom from someone, a small hallway that I kept a bar sized fridge, 2 burner hot plate, toaster oven and a small bathrrom with a tub. My bathroom sink was my kitchen and bathrrom sink. It was small, yet it was mine...i could choose the atmosphere, could relax and recharge.
You are doing wonderfully, it is very hard...anything worthwhile I find has its difficulties. How else would we appreciate what we have?
You keep it up tiger...I'm cheering and praying for you.
I just heard this song before I sat down to read posts.
Kelly Clarkson - Breakaway
Grew up in a small town And when the rain would fall down I'd just stare out my window Dreaming of what could be And if I'd end up happy I would pray
Trying hard to reach out But when I tried to speak out Felt like no one could hear me Wanted to belong here But something felt so wrong here So I'd pray I could break away
I'll spread my wings and I'll learn how to fly. I'll do what it takes till I touch the sky. Make a wish, take a chance, Make a change, and break away. Out of the darkness and into the sun. But I won't forget all the ones that I love. I'll take a risk, take a chance, Make a change, and break away
Wanna feel the warm breeze Sleep under a palm tree Feel the rush of the ocean Get onboard a fast train Travel on a jetplane Far away And break away
I'll spread my wings and I'll learn how to fly. I'll do what it takes till I touch the sky. Make a wish, take a chance, Make a change, and break away. Out of the darkness and into the sun. But I won't forget all the ones that I love. I'll take a risk, take a chance, Make a change, and break away
Buildings with a hundred floors Swinging with revolving doors Maybe I don't know where they'll take me Gotta keep movin on movin on Fly away Break away
I'll spread my wings and I'll learn how to fly. Though it's not easy to tell you goodbye Take a risk, take a chance, Make a change, and break away. Out of the darkness and into the sun. But I won't forget the place I come from I gotta take a risk, take a chance, Make a change, and break away Breakaway Break away
My darling girl. You are absolutely awesome. Break away honey. It's time for you to spread your wings and fly.
It breaks my heart that adults in this world that call themselves "parents" do not do everything in their power to build up their children's self-esteem and let their children know that no matter what or who says anything about them, our children are gifts from God to be loved and nourished against all odds out there in the world.
You my dear have everything going for you. You are bright, you are supportive in this room, you are getting an education, you share your ESH, you do what you need to reach out, you know how to ask for help. Honey, you've got it all.
Now all you have to do is believe it yourself, believe in yourself. I know we, in this room, all do.
Detach, detach, detach - let their words bounce off you like a rubber ball Sarah. Only you need to love your place.
You are loved, supported and accepted here.
love Maria
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If I am not for me, who will be? If I am only for myself, then who am I? If not now, when?
(((Tiger)))) congrats on your new home. I know when I look back now, the happiest time of my life was when I didn't even have much, but what I had was mine, and no one could take it away from me.
I had a couple of towels, a couple of washcloths, a small set of dishes, 1 set of sheets, some jelly jar glasses. But I loved it. These will be the days you treasure when you get older. Trust me on this one!
You are a worthwhile person, you are making something of your life instead of just sitting back and letting it go by. Good for you!
And, since you have a small place, you don't have to worry about friends or family wanting to crash there! My husband and I have a very small house, the only bed in it is ours, and the other bedroom serves as a closet, since our house is so old it was built before people had closets, I guess! No cupboards or closets here when we moved in!
And, no one asks if they can stay, cos it is too small. Yea! Of course if my daughter ever needed to, I would squeeze her in somewhere~but it sure isn't a party pad, that's for sure.
We are all proud of you Tiger. Keep your chin up. You are doing fine. Enjoy your home and freedom.
Hold onto the thought that that small is good not so much to clean hehe. If your excited about it they will be too. for any negative comment come back with a positive one or better yet ignore them all together , and hum your fav song . Parents are parents and sometimes we don't do it right Ya know ? Easy Does IT and my all time fav THIS TOO SHALL PASS they will go home eventually hehe. Louise
I agree w/everyone else. If you like the apartment that's all that matters. I needed to read your post since I am going to see my daughter's apartment on Monday. She is so excited and I realize that I need to be supportive (no matter what i really think). My son got his own apartment 2 years ago, and when people ask me about it I say he likes it. That's all that counts. Best of luck hon.
Here's to your new place! May it be filled with love, happiness and tons of fun. Enjoy it! Make it your own! Make it your haven to come home to. You'll be just fine. It doesn't matter what your parents think. You are a responsible adult and can make choices. Besides you are a very strong person.
Love and blessings to you and your new place.
Live strong,
Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
My son got his own apartment 2 years ago, and when people ask me about it I say he likes it. That's all that counts. Best of luck hon.
May it be filled with love, happiness and tons of fun. Enjoy it! Make it your own! Make it your haven to come home to. You'll be just fine. It doesn't matter what your parents think. You are a responsible adult and can make choices. Besides you are a very strong person.
