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I'm hoping you all can answer this for me. Will it help if I tell my A that alcohol is not allowed in the house. I am thinking he will not want to be in a house where alcohol is not allowed. I mentioned this once and he said "I'm an adult and if I want to drink I will drink, you have no right to tell me what I can and can not do"
Should I be prepared to tell him if he can't live in the house by that rule then he has to move out and move on
You can tell your A the no alcohol rule but you will have to back it up and be ready for him to leave your home. If it's a threat, forget it. Be sure that you will stand your ground or your future words will mean nothing.
That being said.... In most cases you are asking the impossible. Your A will find a way to drink and will either come home drunk or sneak it and continue to drink in your home. Then you have the problem of lying and denying. I know when my husband was drinking..MAYBE he would have lived by that rule had I tried to impose it, but he would make sure he was well lit by the time he got home, so you end up with a drunk person anyway.
Take Care, Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
Okay you made your request and he replied and now its left up to who is leaving? If you are going to try to set a rule it might as well be one that is enforceable. When I made the decision that you are making I made it for me. "I don't want to live any longer with alcoholism". She refused to stop and I left and got my own place. Did the same thing with my eldest son that was also living with me and drinking, using and not being responsible. Place was too big for me by myself so I checked into something smalled. This might not work for you so give yourself some time checking out the consequences you want...(not living with alcohol in your home) and then go find a bunch of alternatives where you follow thru and arrive at that consequence.
I'll share w/ you part of my story. There was I time I bought his beer when I went to the grocery. Then I said I'm not doing this anymore. He bought his own. Then I got tired of fighting all the beer in the fridge to put away my groceries and sick of all the cans on the counter that I picked up. So I said enough, no beer in the house, with the reasoning it wasn't good for our little ones to see so much of. (lol, they saw so much anyhow) This was all pre-alanon. My A said okay, and drank outside. Did this help? NOPE. I had beer cans on the deck, in the yard, shop etc. He spent more time outside than inside the house. No longer passed out on the couch but in a deck chair. After about a year of this he moved out. Now there were many reasons for the move, but one of those was he wanted to be able to drink whenever, and where ever he wanted. Cold/hot/rainy weather made drinking outside a bummer, but it didn't stop him.
Today, when he comes to visit the kids, that rule still applies, his beer stays outside. And as usual so does he. We are still married -- just not living together. This is an awful disease. Since moving out and having the ability to drink as he wishes, his disease has progressed a lot. But it would have progressed anyhow.
There are no easy answers here, you would do well to check your motive, and be prepared to stand behind your decision if it is what you choose to do.
Absolutely! As long as you have intentions to back up your boundary. If you say it, you need to mean it. If he is not allowed alcohol in the house, what about the yard? Or is the whole property off-limits? Consider how far you need to go, and if you are willing to stick with it, do it. Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
If you are going to set that boundary, be prepared to back it up. It finally got to the point where I told my A to leave. I had had enough. It was the toughest, but most liberating thing I did. Will it help your A to leave? I don't know. I found that just saying no alcohol in the house wasn't enough. I didn't want him home drunk. He wasn't mean, I just couldn't handle it. The last time he could have burned the apartment down because he gets very disoriented when he drinks. That was the last straw for me. Setting boundaries is healthy, but it takes a lot to back it up. I'm sure you're up to it. Good luck.
Live strong,
Karilynn
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
I told my hubby that a long time ago.....it did not make him stop drinking....or using....he just would hide it, in the basement, in the bathroom, wherever he thought I wouldn't look...the funny thing about that is who the hell do you think had to throw them away...((the empty bottles were everywhere)....
I will tell you that it helped me, I no longer had to sit and watch him get drunk, he still did of course, but not in my face and that I liked......so just think about what is the best situation for you and do it......living in active addiction is hell, try and seperate yourself from him when using as much as possible....keep your sanity in tack dear lady...stay strong..
Well I think you do have rights to make requests. The thing is we have to look at what do we mean by the requests. He is an A. So he will be drinking. The issue with drinking outside the house is the old drinking and driving thing. I have been heartsick over that. Now I let it go. In theory the A can dent and smash the truck we share up anyday of the week. I should say I don't share anything with the A he dominates. His A'ism dominates, his moods dominate, his health dominates. All his issues dominate. I make one small request and he goes beserk. This week I asked him not to smoke his drugs in the house and he hit me. I have no doubt he is doing drugs from his behavior from his bank balance the works. I would rather he not do them around me. Right now he is off at a friends he can do what he wants there. I am not silly enough anymore to think my not wanting him to do drugs will affect him. He will do drugs till he feels like it. He always has money for drugs, not the bills, but drugs yes.
My a has all kinds of reasons for the drugs. He has some muscular disorder he says tyhat marjuana helps him with it. Well he doesn't care about my disorders. When I have been in the hospital he didn't call or help me out. When I came home from the hospital he didn't go fill up the grocery cart nothing. I did not pay attention to that. Funny how they need to hog all the attention.
One thing that is noted with an A and their belligerant attitude is that if you tell them don't they will actually do more. So I would recommend the three C's rememember you do not cause him to drink. They will bring up every excuse in the book to justify it. And they will try to pin it all on you. So if you are familiar with all the over reaction you are going to get and still want to say it. Say it. And then evaluate what happens, give yourself some space around it as you say. I do not regret saying I do not want drugs in the house. I have asthma I can't be around any substances. I want to live not die as he does.
So evaluate, do it and then review. Boundaries are tough stuff around an A they want to have them but woe betide trying to have them around him.
