The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
right here is the situation.. i went to see my "A" last week for a "chat"
our scenerio went as follows:
A : so whats happening with us?
ME : what do u mean.. US.. there is NO US
A : Right.no need to take my head off... i want to to know that i still love you and ur the one i want to be with... can't u see that! But if u dont want me.. i have no other choice but to move on and try and fnd some1 else. .. who wants a relationship and a family.... YOU dont.
ME : i dont want you.. or anyone else...i dont want the commitment
A : why the hell not?
ME : because i dont f**king want it..theres no trust there.. none whatsoever
A : Oh and thats my fault..is it.... grow up!
ME : ur the f**king child in all of this..u cant even look after a stray dog..let alone a child... u want a family my a**
A : thats it.. im going online in dating sites to find a girl.....
ME : you do that...use the same log in name as last time.. im sure the fools still have u on file.
A : fine...we'll just stay friends so...
ME: No we wont.... just forget it.... i cant deal with u.... just stay away form me... do what u like..u always do anyway,... i hope whoever u get can put up with ur depression, anxiety.... panic attacks and debt.... im sure u'll find "The ONE" alrite. good luck with that...
A : ur sooo mad, angry and bitter... i cant even talk to you in a civil conversation...im trying to be honest with you and your throwing it back in my face...... just F**k off.
ME : FINE...................F**K you too.... ya alco!
and i left his house.
right..... sooo.. thats the story... after i came home..he rang my phone to inform me that i was a stubborn spoilt brat who wanted everything my own way and he hates me for not wanting him.
then i told him i was gonna sleep around to get him out of my head coz he consumed my thoughts 24/7 and he text me telling me i made him SICK! acting like a total slapper around the place.
so thats where my story lies. im mad at him..... he's mad at me... i want him... but i know i cant be with him coz i dont trust an inch of him, its got nothing to do with LOVE... coz i love him to bits.
i dont want to be with him.. but i dont want anyone else to have him either!
I am sorry you are in such a tough spot. I am glad though that you and I have this great place to vent our frustrations. I used to keep them all bottled up until I would just blow every once and awhile.
Maybe there are some answers for you in that conversation, or maybe it's all emotion, but it does help me to type it out here and let it go. Then I can figure that out sometimes.
Hope that helps you too.
Take care of you!
__________________
"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
I know when I am full of rage and sadness and all of those emotions, I get on that treadmill or do something like CLEAN really really hard! It really does help to calm you down.
It sounds like there is a lot of anger in you now, and I know exactly how you feel. Sometimes it is just PURE RAGE. You have to get away from the situation, try not to think about him or your chaotic situation right now. Do something simple and nice for you. I have found that even sitting in the bookstore reading or doing something I would normally never do is wonderful, and it opens your eyes to different experiences and takes your mind off of your pain.
Also, don't forget to try to go to meetings. Is there anyone you can connect with in alanon in your town? I have been helped immensely by friends I have made, but you do have to reach out, and I know that is so hard to do.
This life we lead is so tragic, painful but there still is hope. We have each other thank God, and our God to watch over us and our alcoholics.
I know when things start getting out of hand, the best thing for me is to get away from the situation. Go do something else.... even if it isn't productive. I can, will, and have done all of the following:
Treadmill, cleaning, walking around block, petting animals, coloring in a coloring book, scribbling in a coloring book, calling friends, writing down everything I feel and think, and sleeping.
When I yell, scream, and fight things get worse for me and the people around me.
It does sound as if you have mixed feelings (which is normal). I would do what I can to work through them.... and for me that mostly means writing or calling a friend.
Hugs to you...... things will get better..... keep working the prgm and coming back!
After a while you get to anticipate their fantasies. The A just presented me with a similar one. I used to so so long to be part of his fantasies. Now I know in my heart that nothing will change until if and when he gets treatment. And since he's only ever gone to treatment when he was in prison its unlikely isn't it. Right now no matter how bad it gets its all right for him. After all he gets to keep on using...
I have had such moments of rage with the A. I have done the scream fight stuff. Now I don't do that. This week he said oh in a year I will be moving. I said I hope it goes well for you. I say nothing about going with him. I also note (and I didn't use to note it before) he asks me nothing about it. He assumes. Well now he assumes wrong. I also used to feel so so left out of his life and like I was the last cog in it. I was last on the list. Now I simply don't want to be on the list. I want out and I have to work to get out but I am working on it day in day out. List in list out.
I think the anger mixed feelings are all part of bargaining. Some of us are still trying to bargain to get the A sober. I am through bargaining I'm to acceptance. He is a progressive alcoholic/addict and he is going to destroy himself with it. He is not however going to destroy me too. I am not going in there with him. I have my own issues I am working on. I'm not responsible for his alcoholism he is.
I know without al-anon I would have no plan b. I would just make myself sick with grief and be exhausted and feel hopeless.With al-anon I can look at other people's journeys and know they prevailed. The A may or may not get sober. I think its unlikely given his history but who knows. I do know that I am willing to be sober from my own issues (and I have many).
I feel for you I really do. I think it is very hard to say no to their fantasy. I also think it is reality and it is a great great thing you are in reality.
