The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
....and I was being so good at detaching and avoiding confrontation.
She was supposed to be going to an AA meeting tonight and I had arranged my evening accordingly. At 5pm she comes to me and tells me she has been invited to a combined AA/Al-Anon meeting...about 2 hours away... and wanted me to come too.
My initial reaction was to say calmly that I did not want to come.
She loads on the pressure by saying that it would be nice if I came along so she wasn't driving on her own such a distance. This gets me annoyed and I stick my toes in and I tell her that I REALLY didn't want to come as it didn't figure in my program of dealing with MY issues. She tells me that I would be supporting her.
I think about things, calm down and go to her and tell her that I will come with her but will not attend the meeting. All hell breaks loose, words are exchanged, apparently I am patronising her, and she ends up going on her own. On the way she phones me and tells me she is leaving.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not upset about the argument...rather I am upset that the rest of the family is again dragged into her "issues". If she goes....so be it... probably for the best if I am honest. Was I right in standing my ground and sticking up for the plans I had made? Am I not supporting her? I feel that I am in that I am here with the kids.
It is so wearing being held out to be unsupportive all the time. As we all know there is no point in trying to argue the issue. In her mind I am unsupportive. In my mind she is ungrateful. There is no common ground there.
That's why we're here Mike, for that support that you need...
If you are looking for reasonableness, support, and healthy thinking from an active A, or typically even one in early stages of recovery - my experience would be that you will most often be disappointed.... As best as you are able, try to stop getting your A to validate you.... You know what is right, and when you aren't sure, utilize your support around you.
Take care
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
Hello Mike , I don't see a right or wrong , you had plans she changed hers at the last min, you had every right to say u didn't want to go to the meeting and leave it at that. And she chose to exercise Plan B go anyway . Unfortunate that the threat to leave had to come up.
But new sobriety is pretty crazy I lovingly refer to it as STARK RAVING SOBER so buckle up .
As the child of an alcoholic, the only wisdom I can share is that I wished so many nights that my mom didn't waste any of her energy on my A dad and spent more time with us. We needed her. It was hard for me to watch her struggle and feel powerless. It was hard for me to realize that dealing with an A was taking over her life and taking the wind out of her sails.
I don't know if she had ever heard of Alanon or not, but in hindsight, I wish she had known what I know today. I try to be an ever-present mother to my children and not let the insanity of life get in the way and rob them of their serenity dealing with crazy parents.
I hope this helps. yours in recovery, Maria123
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If I am not for me, who will be? If I am only for myself, then who am I? If not now, when?
The issue isn't about whether or not you were being supportive of her or not. You didn't tell her or force her not to go right? The issue is doing what was best for you at the moment.
Don't be so hard on yourself. Recovery is not only a growing process, but a learning process too.
Live strong,
Karilynn
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
