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My Aboyfriend who I love very much and usually enjoy being with has recently changed jobs. This means he wants to move out of his house to be nearer work. (He cannot drive at the moment...lost his license)
At the moment he shares with his drinking buddy...but spends most of his time in my house. (He says he's tired of drinking etc but seems to have regular binges nevertheless) Up until now I have been determined to keep it this way...having my own place. It made sense to me.
Anyway now he wants to move. Ideally he would like us to get a bigger place together and this would make sense financially etc.
On the one hand I would love this, but I'm also very wary and scared of his drinking binges. We've talked about this and he says he wants to get away from the whole drinking scene, and change his life. But he keeps binging...and I'm worried about him bringing his drinking buddies round to the house. Don't think I could handle this.
I think he wants to make changes...goes to meetings sometimes etc.....but I'm not sure he is able to.
I'm reluctant, but I always seem to make decisions by procrastinating...often to my regret. Not sure what to do on this one...
I know you cannot advise...but maybe you could help me see.... In appreciation AM
You say your feelings are "wary, scared, reluctant", so I think in your heart you know you have an answer to this one. You also say he is still into sometimes binges and has drinking buddies. Perhaps that, too, answers your questions. Listen to your gut. Sometimes procrastination is the best action to take. I think that allowing him to move in and not figure out by himself how to get to his job without a license is a real case of enabling and would only set him firmly into his current behavior. Take care of yourself first and let him handle those things which he can...getting himself to work is his problem, not yours. Stay the course.
Moving in with someone is rife with all sorts of problems. Even when both parties are all for it and there is much excitement and enthusiasm and positive feelings about it there are many serious problems.
So, starting out with serious misgivings is not a good way to make a decision.
This decision should be made for all of the right reasons...all positive...and convenience and pressure should not be included in the reasoning.
Sounds like you are being set up to enable, if he loses jobs due to binges etc. you are there to pick up the slack and pay the rent and keep things going for him. He lost his license? Can you say "chaeffer" or even "free taxi"?
In any case if you decide to move in protect yourself right from the beginning. If he makes your home a flophouse with his drinking buddies, stops working, etc. make is to you don't lose everything along with him.
Put the lease in EITHER one of your names, so if it is his name you can leave ifyou need to and if it is in your name you can kick him out if he doesn't act right. Getting anything in both of your names without getting married (in this case due to the legal protections) is not a good move as if you break up court proceedings are tough as it is he said/she said stuff to figure it all out, and very expensive too. A marriage is essentially a business contract in the eyes of the law, it determines equitable distribution of assets and liabilities in the case of separation.
Put all utilities in his name, so if he does not pay them his own credit is ruined. Then make a notorized (legally binding) that you will pay HALF of all rent and utilities as long as you live there. That way you are doing your share but if he doesn't pay his credit is ruined not yours. You can move out and start fresh unharmed financially. Make him put down the deposit and first and last months rent, say you will make up your share in this in groceries, then buy all groceries for three months.
Leave it up to him to find an apartment and come up with first and last months rent, to see if he REALLY wants to start a life with you or he just wants an enabler "a mommy" to make his dreams (and transportation needs) come true.
I moved in with my A despite serious misgivings. I married him, despite serious misgivings. I had children, despite....you get the picture.
If you let him move in with you when he has so far done nothing but talk about making changes, you will have told him that talk is all you need - action is not necessary. If you find it hard to draw the line now, when you have power and independance, how will you be able to set boundaries when you have given your independance up?
As Isabela says, if you decide to do this, don't make it easy for him - he can be the one to find the place, put utilities in his name, etc. If he is unwilling to do this, you will have a very clear signal of what life will be like with him.
It is my experience that when someone is truly ready to commit to sobriety hell nor highwater can keep them from the program. For the first 8 months of my sobriety, I lived with people who were constantly high, constantly drunk, whatever. I didn't drink. I didn't want to. I had AA. I went to AA meetings. I stayed around my sponsor. If your S.O really wanted sobriety, no matter where he was living or with whom, he wouldn't need to drink.
I also hear that, in your heart, you have already made a decision. It sounds like, to some extent, you are asking us to approve your decision. I can garentee from personal experience that the members of al anon will love you and stand behind you no matter what your decision.
Like you have said, the decision is yours, we will be here for you no matter what you decide.
If you do decide to move in with him, my suggestion would be to keep your options open with a Plan B. If he doesn't stay with the recovery process and does go back to the active drinking and acting out, usually this causes financially difficulties. Having a way to protect yourself financially and keeping your options open - where you don't feel trapped in the situation.
Wishing you the best of luck and hoping that your boyfriend will continue attending those meetings and that the "light" will come on for him,
Progress not Perfection,
Rita
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
I know how you are feeling. My boyfriend of five years moved in with me and at first it was wonderful. But little by little the problems regarding drinking increased and now they are full blown. It is much more stressful now and the problems harder to get away from
annemarie, What I always ask someone is, what is the bad part of your relationship, the parts that are hard?
Can you live with that? Sure you can tell me all the good stuff.
Ok you don't like he binges. He does.
Get a bigger place? Can you afford it on your own? Aism is progressive, he has apparently already gotten a dui, lost his license.. any red flags there?
He still has drugging budies, red light there?
What I can tell you hon is, if I had known what I do now, I would have NEVER married my A.
I married a hard working, dependable man with a license, money in the bank, loving, sweet, sober in AA, on a serious plan of recovery.
Yours goes to a couple meetings, still drinks.
Ok my A now, has no job, got his fifth dui, will never have a license again, has no friends/all dead, no family/almost all dead.
Left me with a huge mortgage, after we put all our savings into the house, I lost my vehicles, I lost my credit. I have horrible credit now and am still cleaning up his messes.
It means so much to me to have your views. I guess Tiger was right in that I have already sort of made my decision. I knew my aprehension was not right. My alarm bells were sounding.
You're honest openness and genuine care has helped me to see....thank you. Also, Isabela, I needed your frankness....much appreciated.
