The material presented
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Hi all! I am really proud of myself....I finally seperated myself and my son from my AH the best I can. We already live seperately. He says he doesn't want to be married anymore. Or that's what he said originally. I can never tell if has a clue what he wants. He is working on finding his way to true recovery. I thought he had, but he is learning some hard lessons. Anyway, they were beating me up along with him. I can't be that close and watch what he is doing to himself. I'm 8 months pregnant, and have WAY too much empathy. I told him last week that we couldn't be friends or "affectionate" as long as he is choosing to let alcoholism beat him so brutally. He agreed that at least one of us should be sane for our kids. So, I am working on myself now. I am having a better relationship with my 2 year old....more patience and I am less stressed and focusing on the new baby instead of my AH. I am not calling him everyday, and told him and mutual friends that I don't want to know what goes on when he isn't here. Of course, that's a lie, but I am sticking to it. It's going well, mostly. BUT.....how do you really love them, care about them, etc without getting too involved. He works too hard and has the flu and is struggling so hard while I am finding my way. I almost feel guilty. I feel sorry for him. That it is so much harder for him to get some direction makes me feel guilty. Plus, he is a very sweet, broken person, and I miss comforting him and his affection....especially while pregnant. Any advice?
This is one of my favorites from The Language of Letting Go by Melodie Beattie. I love it because I grew up in a system that kept me where I belonged (at the end of the list) and that if others were suffering, I had to also.
Letting Go of Those Not In Recovery
We can go forward with our life and recoveries, even though someone we love is not yet recovering.
Picture a bridge. On one side of the bridge, it is cold and dark. We stood there with others in the cold and darkness, doubled over in pain. Some of us developed an eating disorder to cope with the pain. Some drank; some used other drugs. Some of us lost control of our sexual behavior. Some of us obsessively focused on addicted people’s pain to distract us from our own pain. Many of us did both: We developed an addictive behavior and distracted ourselves by focusing on other addicted people. We did not know there was a bridge. We thought we were trapped on a cliff.
Then, some of us got lucky. Our eyes opened, by the Grace of God, because it was time. We saw the bridge. People told us what was on the other side: Warmth, light, and healing from our pain. We could barely glimpse or imagine this, but we decided to start the trek across the bridge anyway.
We tried to convince the people around us on the cliff that there was a bridge to a better place, but they wouldn’t listen. They couldn’t see it; they couldn’t believe. They were not ready for the journey. We decided to go alone, because we believed and because people on the other side were cheering us onward. The closer we got to the other side, the more we could see and feel that what we had been promised was real. There was light, warmth, healing and love. The other side was a better place.
But now, there is a bridge between us and those on the other side. Sometimes, we may be tempted to go back and drag them over with us, but it cannot be done. No one can be dragged or forced across this bridge. Each person must go at his or her own choice, when the time is right. Some will come; some will stay on the other side. The choice is not ours.
We can love them. We can wave to them. We can holler back and forth. We can cheer them on, as others have cheered and encouraged us. But we cannot make them come over with us.
If our time has come to cross the bridge, or if we have already crossed and are standing in the light and warmth, we do not have to feel guilty. It is where we are meant to be. We do not have to go back to the dark cliff because another’s time has not yet come.
The best thing we can do is stay in the light, because it reassures others that there is a better place. And if others ever do decide to cross the bridge, we will be there to cheer them on.
Today’s reminder: I will move forward with my life, despite what others are doing or not doing. I will know it is my right to cross the bridge to a better life, even if I must leave others behind to do that. I will not feel guilty, I will not feel ashamed. I know that where I am now is a better place and that is where I am meant to be.
Welcome to Miracles in Progress, Maria123
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If I am not for me, who will be? If I am only for myself, then who am I? If not now, when?
although I am not 8 months pregnant I can empathise. I can also understand that you have to be there for your children. The more I practice detachment the better it gets. I know I can do it. I have to say though that at the end of the day I feel like I am totally alone. The A may be there physically but emotionally he has never been there. Rather than feel bad about that I just keep on working on plan b.
I agree with Maria's assesment. Often time we ask in program "what is your role in this event?" and I have found that one of the most important and piviotal roles I can play reguarding someone's recovery or their active disease is "powerless." When I am truly powerless over another's actions, decisions, thinking, and lifestyle, I am practicing "Live and let live" where they can celebrate the victory of wise decisions and suffer consequences of ill decisions. I also think that being powerless over another's disease or recovery fully lets them be in the care of a higher power--it is humbling to remember that ultimately, God is privledge to a wisdom and an insight of the person that I am not. God has an empathy and love for this person in their disease that I do not--ultimately, because I am human, I will become angry, hurt, resentful, and disappointed in a person that is hostage to a disease that they are powerless over. But God, being an infinite entity, is not limited to human emotion, and can asses what is best for someone like the alcholic in ways I cannot: God, in other words, will not get resentful or disappointed because of broken promises. God will see the alcholic in a light that I, a human, cannot.
Welcome to MIP - Congratulations on the new baby about to be born. You sure have your plate full with the new baby coming and a 2 year old - but what blessings also - Hate that you A is not emotionally or physically able to be a part of your life right now - but if that is what is best for you and the children then do what is healthiest for you and them - The three of you deserve what is heathiest for you!!
Detachment is what I chaired my f2f meeting on last Friday night. It is a great topic and one that so many of us have questions about. If you have any Al-Anon literature, try the readings on detachment - it may help. We usually start off detaching with a machette and then learn to detach with love - The main way I learned to detach was to take the focus off of the A's in my life and to start taking care of me. What was the Next Right Thing for me - go to work, take care of my household, take some time for me, go to Al-Anon meetings, get a good night's rest, eat a good meal, etc. It's not easy - Most of the time, it is One Day at a Time - even One Minute at A Time on those really crazy days - but it gets better as time goes by -
Keep coming back - Don't give up before the miracle happens in you - You deserve it - Also keep us informed on the upcoming birth of that precious new little one,
Progress not Perfection,
Rita
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
I know how you feel....caring for them is almost like a drug itself.... I am too new to know if that is normal..but I am learning I need to care for myself "more"
