The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
This is hard to write, hard to admit. I'm angry at myself for being jealous of others who have had the blessing of their A's finding recovery while still together, and with others that have hope of a life of recovery together. Logically I can think it is probably natural, and I am not consumed by this just a twinge here and there. My brain tells me ... well ... it's not the way your situation is or will be, but my heart breaks. I've sat on this for awhile, asked my HP for help and felt the only way I could make any progress past it was to admit it and hopefully hear from others who have felt this way.
In the past when first learning and practicing I have felt some jealousy over other Alanon members recovery, seeing my own progress and knowing it takes time has made this go away. Perhaps it is part of the path and I have missed others speak about it.
I wonder if it is the lack of hope I am missing? I have come to a place of being resigned to losing my husband, actually I have accepted I lost my husband long ago. Maybe it is part of grieving for him and my marriage.
I am sorry that you are feeling this way. I to have felt that way. What I found is it for me was just the need to have a normal life with the person I loved. Learning to accept that it may never be that way was the key to help me let go of those feelings. I learned to have hope from those who had family who found recovery for themselves. We are human and humans by nature have carry a certain amount of envy I believe.
Today, however, I have the opposite problem, something that I have often thought about but never shared. Your post has opened the door for me to share my experiences. I often hestitate to share about my husband being in recovery. This is because I know that so many others are still suffering while living with active A's. I know it is an irrational thought - but I often feel that I am rubbing salt on open wounds for others and feel like I am being unfair. Living with early sobriety/recovery is not easy - sometimes it is harder than living w/ active disease.
I have to remind myself that I am offering ES &H to others and that I am not being mean in sharing the fact that my husband is working towards recovery.
I hope that you can find peace with this for yourself. I applaud your courage for putting something so sensitive out there for all of us.
Karen
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Nobody cares how much you know until they know how much you care. Love you all!
Karen
Hello Jennifer - I understand exactly how u feel and it will pass/ When living with alcoholism we do loose hope and it truly is too much for most of us. Al-Anon and AA do not promise to save marriages on ly to return us to sanity .
There is always hope when u hear others share about thier success stories add it to the list of things that may be. I was sitting in a meeting one morning as a couple had shared i went from hateing what they had to wanting it so bad I ached. I wanted the honesty they had the freedom to share how they truly felt in front of each other and it dawned on me that I will have that kind of honesty in my life and it may not be with him .
At the time my husb was still drinking so expecting that would have been a big mistake on my part, but I had so many other relationships that needed fixing I focused on them , learned to honest with my teen age sons , my parents and my friends so that by the time my husb sought sobriety I was willing to risk being honest in his company . egg shells and I were done.
Keep commin here go to meeting s change the things you can and never give up Hope. And thank you for your honesty .
I've felt this way. It wasn't until I could look at others w/ sorbriety as my hope that I could let go of the "I wish I had" feelings. When it gets to the point you believe that sobriety is hopeless in your situation, look to those who now have it. They traveled that road, their A's were the same as ours, some not as bad, some much worse, but they now have sobriety in their home.
For me, I still desire a normal relationship, dream of having the opportunity to deal with all the "new" problems of dealing with a sober A. But today, my acceptance is at that place were I no longer see it as impossiblity, I have hope. ( and believe me that does not come from my A lol)
I guess what I'm saying is that my perspective changed, where I once sat and wished, now I look w/ hope. It is possible, for all our A's. In the mean time I do my best to keep living the life I have. Concentrating on what I do have, and see that my HP has been there for me, giving me what I need and carrying me thru.
I think you are incredibly strong to have posted this, You are not alone in feeling this way.
I have felt this too, I am not with my A right now, he is in recovery and working a program, doing very well I might add. I have seen other couples in AA and felt jealous, I think this a normal feeling...Keep going to your f 2 f meetings and the focus on you....but its ok, we all have feelings of jealousy. I admire your honesty.
I am ashamed to admit I am resentful I am not a bigger part of my A's life right now. He and I are not seeing each other since he left rehab, he attends a day program and is intensely involved in his recovery.....and that leaves no room for me! Or so it feels! I am jealous of all his new AA friends, etc. The rational part of me knows this is best for both of us right now. But I want (not need) more of him!
Remember, if only's and what if's can plague us....but we're all bound to have those thoughts, just dont let em stay around too long!!!
I have had those exact feelings about other couples and couples in recovery. My AHsober has moved out and wants a divorce. He doesn't choose recovery either. I was told to go to Alanon and now I choose it for myself.
I really had to take a hard look at myself and where those feelings were coming from. I realized that when I was really married that I was arrogant towards others who had split. Oh look at me and my husband; we have worked out our problems and you couldn't. I also had a vision of us being examples for everyone else. I became jealous of others who had their marriages intact even those who I thought were fat and ugly and weren't attractive to anyone (sick thinking on my part). I had a hard time watching others hold hands and have someone to do something with.
I allowed myself to have those feelings and made a conscious effort to let them go. When I see a couple I say how happy I am for them that they found each other and that it can only mean good things for the rest of the world. When I hear that a marriage made it through alcoholism and recovery I say to myself how happy I am that recovery happened for them. I know now that losing my marriage and how recovery works for me is the gift my HP gave to me.
Yes, I can say I have felt jealous of others in recovery - even though my AH is an a program of recovery also. Just because he's sober doesn't mean those defects of character are gone. And early in my recovery I could get into the "if only, he was more like . . . " Thankfully, Al-Anon helped me learned to accept my AH for who he was and where he was in his recovery process. And his program is helping him learn to give me that same acceptance.
Thanks for sharing your feelings - Remember feelings are neither good, bad or ugly - they are just feelings - it's what we do with those feelings that can be good for us or bad for us. Sounds like you are using these feelings to help you with your recovery - Again, how very brave!!
Thanks again,
Rita
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
You are a wonderful person. Of course I have had those thoughts. My AW is active and I often wonder if this has truly effected her mental stability. (I know it has effected mine... LOL)
I live today in an alternate universe, where people don't say what they mean, they don't want to hear what I think, they just want me to agree with whatever irrational thought crosses their lips and have their dreams and aspirations be my lifes work.... while they become to sick to enjoy it if I acomplish this obscure task.
Why would I not long for the recovery others speek of? Like others have said, I truly want to hear the success stories, because they do exist and it gives me hope.
I think you are getting more healthy and that is showing you that things should be different. You are working to get there.... you are a success story in the making. (Weather he gets better or not!)
You feel guilty for wanting to be where others are? I am glad you are here, 'cause I want to be where you are... and I'm working on it! <smile>
Take care of you!
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
I am so proud of you for sharing your feelings. Have you gone to open AA meetings, by any chance? Usually in the speaker meetings, where the alcholic shares their story, part of their story is how their family handles their recovery. Many times, they don't--the family is so torn up by the person's alcholism that they cannot make the major adjustment (And it is one) to sobriety. Sometimes, the adjustment is very slow; the speaker shares how today the family is still suffering the pain of the person's disease.
I think..... your self-reflection is a great sign that you ARE recovering.... Self-honesty is a thing that most of us Al-Anons have to work hard at, typically after enduring years of denial of our circumstances, etc.... It's all a process, and you are in the process of YOUR recovery....
As for me, I tried to focus my envy/admiration to the Al-Anons who were showing so much recovery, rather than the people whose circumstances (i.e. their loved ones' sobriety) were better than my own.... That helped keep me focussed on something that I CAN control and influence...... ME!
Take care
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
There were such good replies to my post, I want to say a few things that came to mind while I was reading them.
AlaMom ... (((Karen))) Thank you for giving me a better word, I like envy ... it is a better description of my feelings. Please keep posting and responding about living in recovery with your husband. Even though it stings for me now in my circumstances in my earlier time in Alanon it was posts of that sort that kept me hoping and working on myself. Even now when I read about living with an A in recovery it helps me, I know now what a true A in recovery is like. Not to say it is the same for everyone, but it helps me find truth between my A's words and actions. It is in our nature to be sensitive and worry about others feelings, but when we share with honesty and caring there really is no need to worry.
Abbyal ... (((Louise))) Thank you for reminding me to be happy that my new skills I have learned are helping me in other areas in my life. Sometimes it is easy to see them as only making me leave my husband, and make scary changes in my life. That's not true. I am strugling with knowing I will have the things I need in my life and am pretty sure it will not be with him. Even with my following the program, I am coming to terms with not wanting to be involved with someone who will intentionally hurt me to get what they want or need. Judging as kindly as I can, my husband is not interested in being that kind of person. Nothing is impossible, miracles do happen ... I am just not sure I would want it if it did happen.
(((Luna))) LOL Is any relationship normal? I think what little energy I have is focused on hope for myself. Giving up hope for us and him must run it's grieving course. Thank you for sharing that I am not alone.
(((beachbaby))) I can understand your resentment of not being a bigger part of your A's life right now. Recovery brings it's own set of problems and solutions. I'm gonna try throwing away my if only's one at time until I got a clean house. Best wishes to you and your A!
(((Nancy))) Thank you for making me think about my feelings of failure (LOL I am not being sarcastic) because of my decision to divorce. I got over them fairly quickly. I think that I may feel a loss over giving up my pride in being loyal to him no matter what he may do. Arrogance in it's own way.
(((Rita))) Egads I was scared stiff to push that submit button LOL Thank you for saying I am brave! My feelings are just feelings, and if I don't like them I need to find a way to change them. Thanks for reminding me!
(((RT))) "'cause I want to be where you are... " Good grief RT at this point I'll trade places with you for a day just for a different alternate universe vacation LOL (sorry warped sense of humor) Thank you for reminding me of the influences around me, I get lost sometimes especially after not having ever lived with my A while he was drinking around me until now. Even with detaching and knowing it won't be this way long it is affecting my thinking.
(((Tiger))) I haven't yet gone to open AA meetings, I have wanted to and now I think I will. Thank you for suggesting it. I've been around my A when he has attempted to quit without a program, and yes it can be worse and is a MAJOR adjustment, I am thinking part of my feelings are guilt in a sliver of knowledge that I am not sure I would want this relationship even if he was sober. But that is a whole 'nother topic.
(((Tom))) I think part of my anger at myself is for letting envy get in the way of benefitting from people I admire just because their relationship stayed together in recovery and mine isn't. Thank you for seeing my thoughts as self honesty, I hope I am going in that direction and not just sitting on the pity pot today.
I really appreciate all of you being able to share with me, it was a tough one to write. I am so grateful for my words to be taken as they were meant, asking for guidance. I wish you all well, you are in my thoughts and prayers.
Have you gone to open AA meetings, by any chance? Usually in the speaker meetings, where the alcholic shares their story, part of their story is how their family handles their recovery. Many times, they don't--the family is so torn up by the person's alcholism that they cannot make the major adjustment (And it is one) to sobriety. Sometimes, the adjustment is very slow; the speaker shares how today the family is still suffering the pain of the person's disease.