The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
last night my A broke up with me again, this makes the 4th time. it seemed really, really real this time, so much so that i spent all night saying "goodbye" to him and mourning the end of the relationship (silently to myself while he slept, i mean). he kept saying he's "poisonous" and "toxic" to me, to my life. he says he has to leave everything, his job, this house, his life. i ask if he's thinking of suicide, he says no, but he talks as if he's wanting to give up on everything and everybody including myself. i've had some training as a hotline counselor, i can detach and ask the right questions, like i told him he sounds like he's feeling deep suffering inside himself and can't break out, and he needs to get help. i feel compassion for him, at the same time i want to strangle the fool and yell "hey you! you have a good relationship, wake up and just BE in it!"
i told him, i don't think he's poisonous or toxic to me, and honestly the only time i consider his behavior to be more than just frustrating is when he does this break-up drama thing!! i told him that he's got his difficulties, but that makes him unique just like everyone else (got a shy grin from that one). i told him that my goal in the relationship is that he works his program, i work mine, and we share the rest of life together. the good and the bad. i also told him that it's MY decision whether someone is toxic or poisonous to me, not his. if he feels that way, fine, but i'm so tired of the "i have to leave you because i'm so bad for you" speeches. i said, it sounds like you want to leave *yourself*.
anyway. so i wake up this morning, and other than him missing a day of work, he's acting like everything's normal!! joking, making plans for the weekend, etc. i told him, "whoa, this is surreal! i can't process stuff this fast!"
i don't want to scare him off because i'm still feeling freaked out, but i am, and it's going to take me some time to catch up. but i also don't want to act like nothing's wrong. bottling stuff up inside me leaves me vulnerable to my own problem of self-injury, and i refuse to put myself at risk like that. i'm praying a LOT. journaling also. talking here will help, hopefully. realistically, there is so much good in this relationship, i know it's worth putting up with these growing pains, if that's what they are. but if he's going to be doing this forever, oy, i am too tired for that!!
basically i guess what i need to hear is: is this kind of thing common in relationships with A's? is there ever a middle ground, and if so, how did you achieve it?
I don't know if this is "typical" behavior of an alcoholic but I do know that I am going thru the exact same thing. I have been married for 3 yrs and together 4 yrs. I could not even begin to tell you how many times my husband has told me he wanted a divorce. He and I are currently seperated and have been since November. We have tried several times to work things out for him to only get mad again and want a divorce. We lived in a house he inherited from his parents so everytime he would do this I would have to pack up and leave. I think it is a control thing with them. Now what we have to decide for ourselves is this something we are willing to put up with? I am really having to take a look at my marriage and decide for myself if I want to take my life back or do I want to live like this.
I've experienced this too, and have the same confusion as yourself. I have no answers as yet, but as far as I can see this is fairly common Abehaviour.
This madness of arguments and breakups and insults and tears etc in the night time...and then the calm way he wants to assume all is normal tha next day. I agree with you, I can't process this the way he seems to want to either.
But what I think is this (only my view!)....I believe he is well aware that his erratic behaviour is not right. He doesn't know how to put it right or behave rationally, and so he tries to escape facing the situation by somehow pretending it never happened. He then can blame me for "not letting it go", "making a big deal of it", "nagging!". This of course puts the onus on me and he is in the clear again. By this I mean he doesn't have to deal with the situation. (usually I get so worn down I just let it go)
But now I'm working on setting boundaries in my relationship. This makes it easier for me.
I think you are working a wonderful programme purpleraven, there is growth in your posts and much wisdom. I agree with you that your A is deeply suffering. I will pray for him and you.
I finally got enough nerve to ask him "Is that a threat or a promise?" when he threatened to move out for the like 400'th time in 10 years!
We have been separated a couple of times, but always got back together.
I just learned to ignore all of his divorce talk and separation talk. It is like learning to ignore your child when they get angry and run their mouths with nonsense.
Oh he may leave one day I know...but I will believe it WHEN I see it. Until then he is just talking big like a kid with nothing to back it up.
That is how I handle it...ignore the mouth flapping and pay attention to packing boxes (which have yet to materialize).
that's kind of what i was thinking, when i see him packing, i'll believe it. but that's so sad, it means that if he really does have problems with the relationship, he won't be able to get them addressed until it's too late, until he really does have to leave. i mean, it's "the boy who cried wolf" at this point for me. i want to take him seriously, i really do. but i don't want to get caught up in his circles of drama to the point that i'm crying my eyes out, you know?
ok, whew. it helps to know i'm not alone in this. but it really sucks that all of you go through this, as well! misery loves company, eh?
tell you what, all i have to do is sit down and make a "pros and cons" list. life with my A is still way in the pros, that's how i figure out how i feel about the relationship. when it gets more into the cons, then i'll know it's over. it feels cold-hearted to reduce things to lists on paper, but honestly it feels a lot healthier for me than the way he takes his intimacy issues out on me.
thank you for prayers! i pray a lot, it's sort of the background music to my day *lol* i meditate a lot, also. it really does help.
heehee, I know it's not funny, but it reminded me of one of the 50,000 times we were breaking up. I don't remember what brought us to that point that time, but he said: "That's it! I'm gone!" as he staggered out the bedroom door. He went to the bathroom, (probably pissed on the floor, don't remember) and when he came back, I was putting his clothes in a suitcase. He asked me what I was doing? I said: "Helping you pack!" He gave me a sheepish grin and said:" Guess you called my bluff, didn't you?"
Oh, the drama! It's like he was always testing me, wanting to know how much I loved him, probably thinking to himself that he didn't deserve that much love???
It's always a baffling disease, and we never know what the next step will be. I do know he loves to be the centre of my attention, and is jealous of my kids, doesn't like to share me.
My daughter left this am to fly back to the other side of the country with my adorable grandson. So sad to see them go. It was 3 something am. My A left at the same time to go work on a house he is restoring, YEAH, RIGHT!! I'm getting soooo sick of this!!
Sorry! Got sidetracked. I know this is typical of my A, but he's the only A I have dealt with. Sounds like it is though from the other responces? Hope this helped? Love TLC
