The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I've had an Ah-ha realization yesterday. I took off from work because my weekend was stressful. Not because of anything serious that happened, just my attitude and perception of my environment. I really took my stress and irritation out on the kids, just snappy with them and feeling resentful. I took off work to relax and get my self-rejuvinated. I caught up on laundry and cleaning and then took some time for me and my spiritual side. I really realized how crappy I have felt in the last couple of years. When things become too stressful my chest starts hurting and it feels like I can't catch my breathe. ( Panic attacks, not full blown, but enough that I'm noticing it). My energy is low and it takes alot for me to get motivated to make a change in me. I've been so consumed with the A and his problems, his behavior, how to change our circumstances and our relationship that I don't give enough attention to me. This is nothing new, but now I feel that its come to the point that I cannot ignore myself and my health any longer. My body has aches and pains that it never used to, my teeth and gums have been neglected and they ache, my weight is at a stand still and not a healthy stand still.
So yesterday I took a step towards healing, went to the health food store and purchased a cleansing program. Its been years since I've done this but I know I have toxin build up which is robbing me of vital nutrients and energy. Second, followed up with my dental appointment and had the hygeinist go to town on my teeth and gums. Ouch!!: I told the kids after school we are either going for a walk or a swim after dinner. As for my anxiety and stress I have come to grips that its time to stop nagging the A and bringing up my insecurities and time to just give it to HP. I have an undying devotion to him. My love runs very deep. He does not love me in that way, but it doesn't mean he loves me less either. I feel like me demanding or whining because he doesn't talk to me or spend enough time with me is pushing him away. I don't think he knows how to connect with me on that level. I am tired of chasing after him and setting myself up to be taken advantage of.
I think one of the most important things I need is to get away on my own with out the A and the kids. Now this may not go over big but I think he needs a chance to man up and take care of them for a night and day. We'll see how this goes over. I am not giving the kids to their grandparents, the A is not drinking or using right now, he's busy but not too busy to take care of his kids.
Any good advice for purging the negative and bringing in the positive energy around me? Thanks for listening and letting me share.
Hugs,
Twinmom~
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"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
One of the very best things I ever did for me was join a gym. I have me time. LOL that isn't my only me time, but that is a big part of it. The hardest part for me was getting up at 4am to eat a little something (I struggled with that I am not hungry at 4am) and get to the gym at 5am when it opens. My family is asleep, and I can work out guilt free (not that it is right, but I have a hard time not feeling guilty for doing something for me). It started that early because I had a personal traininer she showed me what to do without hurting myself and with my working that was the only time to do it. But Besides the getting up part I really liked working out that early. I had more energy, I used the time i was on the machine to really connect with HP. I felt more positive. And I actually started losing inches.
Between the car problems and hubby going to Alaska I stopped going. But I got up and went today. Fresh start.
I know it worked for me. But find something that works for you.
Yours in recovery,
Mandy
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"Today's problems can not be solved if we still think the way we did when we created them" -Albert Einstein
You sound like you are realizing what you need, and that is huge, isn't it? I know how you feel about pushing them away by whining and complaining because they don't spend enough time with you. I feel the same. It is now time also for me to take some time and get away from the situation. I don't know if you have done this frequently before, but once you get past the initial fear of being alone - it is heavenly. You really get peace of mind.
It sounds like you are doing well. Just like Mandy said, I also get tremendous positivity from exercise. I HAVE to do it now, even though I don't really like it. The anger, sadness, and negative feelings seem to subside a lot when I work out every day a good 40 minutes or so. PLUS, there is a great benefit because I am getting in shape and losing weight. Something about it just makes you feel so much better. So try taking a good long walk, or lift weights, or punch something. It really helps get your aggressive feelings out and kind of mellows your emotions out.
Great way to start taking care of you. Letting go of the obsession over the A's in our life is so freeing. We find that we now have time to look at ourselves - although not always a pretty picture - we can see ourselves clearly. I have found that I like to do things like crochet, read, play games w/ kids, cook, etc... When I feel that I am starting into old patterns I get involved in one of my many hobbies to distract myself. Those are ways I take care of me. I go to the DR. every year and the dentist every 6 mons (which I hate). Although I smoke and my weight isnt where I would like to be - in general I am healthy physically. Emotionally and spiritually I am working on daily. No time for the gym for me - but take some time to walk when I can. One of the things I look forward to each year is taking my 2 mom free weekends. I usually take one weekend w/ some friends at my trailer and the other is spent at some sort of program event (ie: conference, roundup). It is a perfect way to relax and reconnect with myself.
Keep up the good work - your worth it.
Karen
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Nobody cares how much you know until they know how much you care. Love you all!
Karen
I told the kids after school we are either going for a walk or a swim after dinner. As for my anxiety and stress I have come to grips that its time to stop nagging the A and bringing up my insecurities and time to just give it to HP. I have an undying devotion to him. My love runs very deep. He does not love me in that way, but it doesn't mean he loves me less either. I feel like me demanding or whining because he doesn't talk to me or spend enough time with me is pushing him away. I don't think he knows how to connect with me on that level. I am tired of chasing after him and setting myself up to be taken advantage of. 
to eat a little something (I struggled with that I am not hungry at 4am) and get to the gym at 5am when it opens. My family is asleep, and I can work out guilt free (not that it is right, but I have a hard time not feeling guilty for doing something for me). It started that early because I had a personal traininer she showed me what to do without hurting myself and with my working that was the only time to do it. But Besides the getting up part 
I really liked working out that early. I had more energy, I used the time i was on the machine to really connect with HP. I felt more positive. And I actually started losing inches.