The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
That is the question that I keep asking myself. When is enough enough. I have read several books on alcoholism and go to both online and f2f meetings. I can accept that alcoholism is a disease. I can accept that certain behaviors of the alcoholic are typical and to think otherwise is just setting myself up for disappointment. I read "Marriage on the Rocks" over the weekend and found it to be a very informative book. It helped me to understand some of what my husband is going thru. I can have compassion for an alcoholic to a point. It must be horrible for them to feel so insecure about themselves. They drink because they feel guilty and feel guilty because they drink. What a vicious cycle. My problem is that sometimes because I can have compassion for the alcoholic I make up excuses for his behavior. "He doesn't mean those hurtful things he says. He feels so insecure about himself that he has to try and make someone else feel bad and that takes the focus off of him." This may be a true statement but where does that leave me? You say detach, detach, detach. If I'm not careful and don't know how to detach then I am left feeling like a piece of crap and may end up believing those things he says. If I do know how to detach I may not be affected by what he does this time. But I don't believe that you can truly detach every single time your alcoholic decides to try his best to make you feel worse than he does. He will "up the ante" so to speak until he finds what buttons to push. So to me it seems that you have to be on constant guard against the unknown because you don't know what the alcoholic may use next to get to you. So even though I can understand that the alcoholic feels so bad about himself that he has to pass some of that misery on you I just don't know how long or how much I am willing to take. I don't want to find myself 10 yrs from now leaving my husband because he has finally found that button to push and you decide that after all those exhausting years of detaching you just can't take it anymore.
I agree so much with you. Aism is truly a sad disease.
For me as my own self esteem started to get stronger, I started to realise that it wasn't okay to treat me badly. I started to realise that it wasn't acceptable to be highly critical of me etc., and gradually the detatchment became easier. Of course there are still times when I find it very difficult to walk away and detatch, and sometimes I find it impossible. I fail sometimes too.
But I've learned to realize I am only human too. I am not a superwoman. I am not infalible, and I've learned not to be so hard on myself.
I think you will know Julie when you have "had you are willing to take" from this disease. Trust in your HP to guide you.
In my case, just living without my Aboyfriend did not help me recover from my codependancy. I just stood still.....still sick from this insidious disease. The only way forward for me was through following a recovery plan.
Nobody could possibly answer this for you, but there are some questions you can ask yourself, to help you decide where you are.
Is my life with the A mostly good, with some bad parts from his disease, or is it mostly bad, with the occasional bright spot?
Do I find it pretty easy to brush off his lashing out, or is it a real struggle, and I often end up feeling hurt?
Am I getting anything out of this relationship, or only giving?
Am I able, in this relationship. to take care of myself, phyically, fanancially, emotionally - at least most of the time, if not always?
Is there joy in my life, fairly often?
Many of us find it possible to use alanon tools to keep the good outweighing the bad. However, if the use of the tools only would serve to keep you from utter despair, maybe it's not worth it. You deserve a life where joy is not a stranger, where you feel safe and at least sometimes feel loved. Take an honest look at your life, setting both self pity and martyrdom aside, and see what it tells you.
Many good replies here. One thing, I accept the fact that he has a disease. The disease explains the behavior. It does not excuse the behavior.
Only you can decide what is best for you. You know how much you can tolerate and put up with. I finally reached my end this last time when hubby could have burned the apartment down. I had enough. He left. He got sober and still is. But I do know that should he become active again, he will not be here. It doesn't mean that I don't love him. But I don't have it in me to live with an active alcoholic. I was lonlier with an active hubby than without one. He may have been home physically, but he was always passed out. That's not a marriage. That wasn't for me.
Take some time to figure out what is best for you. You don't have to make the major decisions yet. Do it at your own pace. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise. We are not living your life.
Be extra good to yourself. Do the little things that make you smile. Soon you will come to realize that by being good to yourself, you will be able to make the harder decisions down the road. With time and healing comes strength. You can do this.
Love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong,
Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
