The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Living with aism in my life makes me angry and unhappy. As someone once wrote here before..."this is not the life I ordered", keeps coming back to my mind.
One day at a time is something that I have not been working for awhile. I keep projecting things that will take place in the future if the A continues to drink. I do know that I cannot control it but it still seems to control me.
I am getting sick and tired of being sick and tired. I just can't seem to pick myself up and get on with my life. I feel stuck waiting for something to take place that will make me feel better. I know I need to do the footwork but I feel like I do not have the energy to do it.
I am sorry for posting such a downer but I just felt the need to let my feelings out. I am tired of dealing with the A.
I think we all have days/weeks/months like you are experiencing. Doesn't make it any easier I know but sometimes it is comforting to know that behind the closed doors other peoples' lives can seem just as bad.
It wasn't until I was divorced that I appreciated that there are a lot of other people out there who have relationship crisies. Not until my present partner admitted to being an alcoholic that I realised life can be far harder than I was ever expecting. I got to being 45 thinking that I was totally in control of my life. WRONG!
My way of dealing with the whole thing is one day at a time. If she is having a bad day then I get through that day, I don't look forward to the next good day or back at the last but rather concentrate on the fact that the bad day/week/month/ will end. If she is having a good day I embrace it and accept it without thinking that it won't last forever.
Yes I get angry and rail at the powers that be that it is so unfair but when that happens I detatch until I calm down. The upside is that I am now a far more compassionate human being than I was before.
Just remember, you have no control over your partner, you are not responsible for his actions or his recovery. But you owe it to yourself to ensure your health, your happiness and your emotional wellbeing.
Oh do I know how you feel. I found myself that way for almost 2 years. But what I also found was that I had to find what it was that was keeping me there. I found that it was me and some of my own behaviors that kept me there for so long. For me it was a detachment thing. Not just detaching from the A - but detaching from myself for a while. I had to step back and look at myself from outside the box to see what it was about me bringing me to that place time and again. It was only then that I could honestly let go of all the anger and resentments I was feeling that were weighing me down. It for me was the most freeing of experiences. I still find that I occasionally visit that old pattern - but I am fortunate to recognize it and not let it take hold again.
Good luck moving past this.
Karen
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Nobody cares how much you know until they know how much you care. Love you all!
Karen
I understand Gail. When my A is drinking, I feel the same way. It is a powerful and overwhelming dread. Almost to the point of grief. I hear what others say; that we do not have to "allow" ourselves to feel that way. Detachment from the A's disease is what we need to accomplish, they say. But, like you, I cannot seem to make that all-important step. We DO become tired of having to deal with their problems, and sometimes cannot dismiss them. All I can say, dear Gail, is do what you must. If you want to hang in there one day at a time, then you must attempt to get your life into perspective. On the other hand, if you wish to carve out a new life for yourself, go for it! I absolutely hate the thought of alcoholism, and I have set a boundary with my partner. He drinks, he's out! That's it with no discussion. Of course, when we set our boundaries, we must be ready to keep them. Sometimes that is the hard part.
Oh but I am rambling here, and totally off the subject. I will keep you in my prayers and positive thoughts, hoping that you will feel better very soon. Try doing something just for you. A movie..a lunch out with the girls..a body massage..new nails..a pedicure..a new purse.....or just go window shopping. That seems to be a lost art, but I am still pretty good at it.
My very best wishes to you, Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
Although I would like to carve out a new life sometimes...my A is my son and will always be my son. I guess I could have a better life though if I could just let go.
We both know about this situation with sons who have the problem, don't we? I have absolutely no idea what to say except that I fully and totally understand what you are feeling because I am there most of the time myself. If you are like me, you have labored so long with this you no longer know what you want or would like to do for yourself. I have a poem I wrote once upon a time asking "whatever happened to the girl who..." and it asks things like "who wanted to be a broadcast journalist", "who wanted to move to a big city", "who felt on top of the world", "who sort of liked her green eyes and auburn hair",....you get the drift. The answer is that she married the man she loved and still does....she had a beautiful baby boy....she finished college in spite of a family and taught English for over 30 years....she knew when the baby boy was in his twenties that there was a problem...she knows in her 60's the consequences of his problem. But he is still her "baby boy" in spite of it all and that is what makes being the mother of an A the heartbreak of such depth. You cannot divorce your son and make a new life for yourself. So you have to accept, adjust, and hope for the best and take the good days when you can get them. Take care of yourself today as much as is possible. You are in my thoughts.
(((((Gailey))).. I feel your pain and anguish. You really struck a cord with me when you said "I feel stuck waiting for something to take place that will make me feel better". I know exactly how that goes, and sometimes we may have to wait for ever for someone or something to make us feel better. So in saying that why dont you start the ball rolling yourself, by taking care of yourself first and foremost , doing things that make YOU happy, and stop waiting. I know with the help of my alanon meetings, each week I attend, I leave with the desire to go and "live" wether the A is here or not, or wether he is still drinking or not. I have to do this alone, take care of myself, afterall if I dont no one else will. I had waited a very long time, years in fact, and nothing changes unless something changes, and that change had to start with me. I look back now and see how I wasted all those years waiting and waiting and for what? This disease changes our lives, our behaviour, our daily routines, our self esteem our worthiness, our soul. It lies it cheats it steals, and robs us from our loved ones. Take it one day at a time, babysteps to where you want to go. Keep close to alanon friends in these trying times, and this too shall pass.
Easy does it there lady. Don't be so hard on yourself. I can understand so well, and just sick and tired of being sick and tired. For me these days, it's more about the finances and my job, and yes to be perfectly honest, I am still angry at this disease. Sober or not, this diseases has had an impact on me that I didn't ask for!
But I'm trying to refocus the anger in a positive way. I know I can't let it paralyze me. So whenever I start to feel that old resentment/anger/frustration in me I switch things up a bit. Instead of feeling lousy about things, I make a gratitude list. Instead of moping around the house, I go do something physical. I like to scrub my floors by hand. It takes alot out of me physically so I'm too exhausted to feel anything else. Boy are my floors clean lately!
Be extra good to yourself. You are entitled and deserve a life full of happiness and love. I'm not saying our life should be perfect (that would be boring), but we can try and make it a little less stressful.
Love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
Hi Gailey, I'm still trying to handle the A son situation here too. He is out of prison now and living in a horrid, nasty place for $75 a week that is probably worth maybe $25 a week. I cried when I left there thinking of him living there and how sad he is to be there. When it's your child it is so painful to see them hurting. Anyway, for the first time I was strong and did not help him out. He asked for deposit money to get into a nicer place he had found and we said "no" and left him there. I kept remembering all the things I had heard in Alanon such as "if I do it, I'm just helping him die". Also I read that letting him stay there in that hovel is the thing that just might make him get up off his butt for once and do something about it since no one else will. Also, I remembered someone saying that I was taking away his ability to feel pride in himself by never allowing him to do it himself before so I wasn't doing him any favors. It still hurts though and that's really hard to get through. I'm trying to let him go and hope he'll be alright. Of course there is so much more to this story since we last spoke but that would take hours to write. Take care of yourself.
