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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My aunt got released from jail on July 5th. She served 8 months for her 3rd or 4th DUI.
She was staying with my mom, helping mom after a near death illness and left mom's place suddenly on August 9th and never came back. We found out on the 11th she was at a hotel in town but didn't know until the 12th which one. She was drinking and had MANY prescription pills on her. She also was in possession of a vehicle and had been driving. I was scared for her and for others around her.
On the 12th I called her probation officer and told them where she was and that she had been drinking and had an un-registered/un-licensed car. The PO told me she would investigate and send someone to pay auntie a visit. That never happened.
Auntie made it (drunk of course) up to Tahoe, about 1+ hours drive from here and was staying at someones house that she met in jail. Mom told Auntie on the 17th that she was due here for a PO meeting on the 23rd. Auntie sobered up enough to call someone to bring her back to mom's and she has spent the last 3 days going through withdrawal.
She just called me and apologized. I didn't know what to say, but didn't want to just coddle her. I told her what she did was wrong and she needs to get her act together. She's 48 years old and has never taken care of herself. She's jobless, penniless and was still drinking up until just a few days ago.
This morning I told my mom I suspect the only reason she sobered up is to make it to the PO meeting and then she would be gone again. I doubt she's going to change her ways. I just can't believe what she has done when she just got OUT of jail.
Anyway, I told her that I had called her PO officer, (my reasoning for telling her was so she knows full well that someone in her life will hold her accountable for what she does. Nobody else will!) But before I could finish, she said she had to go, she started crying (she's a drama queen) and told me that when she goes in on Wednesday for her meeting, they will just take her straight to jail.
Now, I am not up on the legal system, but com'on, there's no grounds in which to send her back to jail. As long as she shows up for her appointment, she is alcohol free in the pee test, she's back living where she is supposed to be, they didn't "catch" her doing anything illegal. My phone call isn't going to be enough to get her sent back to jail. They didn't go pick her up when I told them to, so now she's back to being "legal".
She said that I just don't understand how the system works, but I think she's laying a guilt trip on me. I don't think they can arrest her unless they catch her doing something in violation of her parole. I have a neighbor I had to get a restraining order on, he violated that thing so many times, but they wouldn't even arrest him even with his own admittance of guilt! They told me they had to "catch him".
So who's right? Will they arrest her and send her back to jail even though they never followed up on anything. After all, I could just be a disgruntled family member who called to get her in trouble. How could they prove anything was done illegal??
sorry I can't help here...I bet it depends on what state you are in and that states law. Also on her PO and how strict she is. Just wanted to tell u, Keep the 3 C's in mind. You phone call isn't what would send her back to jail...It would be her behaviors that violated her parole that would.
In case anyone can help, I am in California. Apparently her PO isn't THAT strict as she has never checked up on Auntie even AFTER I told her what she was up to! Our jails (like everyone else's) are too full. I doubt they will send her back. I am thinking she used this to put a guilt trip on me, which I think she was semi-successful in doing.
I think, unless they personally catch her in violation, they can't just send her back on some anonymous phone call.
I was just telling my daughters exactly what you said, me calling her PO isn't what would send her back, it's her actions. She said "thanks for telling me so I am not blindsided when I go in on Wednesday". I said, "that's like me saying, what in the heck, why I am I 200 lbs. I don't eat breakfast, only half the time eat lunch, how did this happen". Well, just like I know how I am 200lbs, she knows why she would have been sent back. But I think it's part of alcoholism, they don't take responsibility for anything.
She really needs to know that I personally will NOT tolerate her illegal behaviors. And as long as she is around my mom, I will know about them, and I will not hesitate to turn her in for her own safety and the safety of others around here. I can sleep at night just fine knowing I turned her in, but I would never be able to sleep at night knowing I didn't turn her in and she was responsible for killing someone.
I am 99% sure she was intending to leave after her meeting anyway. The house she was staying at was empty because the owner is still in jail. She stayed there for 1.5 weeks with no hot water, no electricity, no food. The day she came back to mom's (on the 18th) the electricity was turned on. She also left her car there. Why would she have the electricity turned on, and leave her car there if she wasn't intending to go back??
Well I guess we'll find out for sure on Wednesday, but I am really thinking there's no way they will put her back in jail.
You may not want to hear this, but I'll take that chance...you are waaaay to involved in making sure your aunt does what she's supposed to and making sure she gets caught if she is doing anything illegal. One thing I learned with my husband being a (sober) alcoholic is this...I can't control the outcome of his misbehaving.
Way back, when he was on probation following a 5 month jail sentence for dui's, he was taking this dui class once a week. I found out he lied about something on an assignment for that class, and I called his sponsor to "tattle" on him, hoping he would confront my A and make him understand that he lied. I wanted my A to know that I knew, and that his sponsor knew what kind of a person he was...lol, his sponsor is a recovering A as well! Like he had no clue that my A was like that...?! LOLOL
Anyway, my suggestion would be to leave your aunt's business to her. She will suffer the consequences for her deeds. Don't try to find out where she is staying when she takes off. Let her get caught when it's time for her to get caught. If she's driving without a license, she will get caught eventually, especially if she's doing drugs/alcohol while driving. And if she misses her PO meeting, then so be it. Maybe she needs to miss one to find out what the consequences are. I'm sure she knows what they are.
And of course she sobered up to make the meeting...she's an addict and that's their behavior, to make it all look good!
No offense to you, but you sound like me when I was first dealing with all the crap my husband put me through. It's tough when your family member is an addict/alcoholic. I know you don't want to see her hurt herself or others, but you just have to stay out of it. You are not her guardian, she is responsible for herself, hon.
I know that I won't cure her, I know I can't control her, but I also feel I have an obligation to keep others safe from her when I can. She was right downtown, Main Street, driving drunk. Me calling her PO was no different then taking the keys from her, she was just too far away from me at the time to "physically" do anything myself.
I knew where she was and what she was doing for the other week and a half, but knew she was safe and others were safe from her because her car was out of gas and she was stuck out in the woods. So we left her stuck in the house with no water/electricity or food but mice infested. She chose to go there, she got to deal with the consequences.
Through reading this site, I am learning how many mistakes have been made with her (not by me, but my mom who is an addict too) Everyone wants to help her get better, thing is, she has never wanted it for herself.
I am trying to learn and also teach my mom that we can not accept responsibility for her actions and we can not feel guilty for things she has done. We also can't enable her to be irresponsible. I personally gave her tools in which to get on her feet. But none of that mattered when she wanted a drink.
My mom was only one week out of the hospital where she had been on life support and in ICU for 2.5 days, when Cheryl took off. That was the last thing my mom needed and she was under a lot of stress not knowing where Auntie was. The only way we found out where she was is because she called my dad and my dad called me wanting to know what was going on. Seems my parents just don't know what to do with her anymore and are now looking for MY input/direction. Well I don't know either. I just know they haven't been doing anything to help the situation by always bailing her out of trouble.
I highly doubt she will go back to jail on Wednesday. And if she does, so be it. If she doesn't, I am sure she will be leaving to go back to that house. And at least she'll be safe/stuck up there again.
My main priority now is my mom. She has been really sick for nearing 2 months now (well, actually 9 years), and was just told today she has to have surgery in about a month to remove a tumor on her spleen. The last thing she needs is to worry about her sister. So I just hope and pray Cheryl keeps her act together until mom is recovered and able to handle the added stress. Mom has been able to not drink and smoke since she has left the hospital, which is what she needs to do, but with Aunt doing what she was doing, I am sure mom was very close to picking up her cigarettes and alcohol again. Thankfully there was none around, and she wasn't able to drive to get any. Sad thing is, she started driving today. But, I can't control that either.
