The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
my ex ah called to speak to the kids. they aren't home from camping. so, i was telling him about how the speaker's meeting last night (aa) the speaker was an old friend of ours who he went thru rehab with. i told him how neat it was to see him and how his story was great and it was just so nice to see an old friend. he says that's great, i etc. i know that i am talking about the program and i do hope he hears what i am saying. the thing is meetings are most of what i am doing these days so that's what i have to talk about. i don't go back to work till sept. so the bulk of my meaningful time is working this program so i can deal with an active ex ah. we had a long talk yesterday. so today he just says "i wish i could change things". i swear it almost set me off. i mean come on! who the he** does he think is going to change things? he knows damn well that the power to change things lies with him. oh, he is such a victim! he has a mental illness and an addiction and has lost everything how could little ole him change anything? oh he was raised by a single mother, he's the oldest of 7, his daddy didn't love him wah wah wah. i am so sick of his self pity, his stupidity, his selfishness, his lack of concern for his own children. i have no respect for him at all. i don't even care that he is another human being on the face of this earth! what his total lack of love has done to these kids is beyond forgiveness. satan has a face and it's his apathetic, dulleyed, slackjawed face. i know i won't change him. i don't want to. i know that even speaking to him in an excercize in stupidity and maybe i am finally ready to let that go too. maybe i am...... anyway i withdraw my application for sainthood. it's just not comfortable anymore. aaggghhhh this is frustrating!
I'm laughing so hard, when ever I read your posts I see so many parallels to what is going on here w/ my A. May I join you in the club of the "unsainted"?!?
At least you are past getting sucked into all the pitty, not trying to build him up or consoling him that things will be or are okay. The thing I'm coming to realize is that my A will continue to use me as his sounding board for as long as I'll let him, whether it is his self pitty, anger, or frustration -- you know everything is always someone elses fault. I'm still learning that a conversation is a two way thing and what we do is not conversing. When I talk he has one ear shut, the one he has up to the phone. When he talks I am to act as though the world is on edge, it is sooo important. I'm learning to say, I'm sorry to cut you short, but I've got to go take care of (fill in the blank here).
This is also a good place to say what you mean, mean what you say and not say it mean. You've mentioned he's been in program before. I don't see anything wrong with stopping him short w/ saying "You know what you've got to do." His choices, his life and his sobriety are his responsiblity, just as in our program, no one can work it but us. Saying he wishes things were different or even hinting that he'd wish someone could do it for him is self pity, you don't have to let it frustrate you, if you can't listen to it, don't. You need to do what is best for you.
Do your best to let this go, and next time ask yourself if listening to him is what is best for you.
(((((lots of hugs to you)))))) Your fellow "Unsainted" One
Sainthood is 1 thing, learning to love compassionately & from a distance, kind of like the 4th time your kid touches the burner, (like God you have to sit back, watch the pain, see the learning & consequences) it IS hard. Getting to that kind of detached, compassionate love is pretty close to Sainhood, even if it means, not talking to him to protect your own serenity ~ not as a boundary, just if u need to that moment in time.
Giving up on Martyrdom I recomend wholeheartedly however!!!
It is so wonderful you have time to focus on your Program & "talking Program" back is the snappiest thing you can do. Detach ~ I hate this about myself, I always think of the greatest 'come backs' 10 minutes after the interaction but instead of blowing your top, def saying "You know what to do & only you can change it" & then like LM sd, I g2g do something for my Program "bye."
Oh well, I'm ACOA, feel insane half of the time even with 22 years of Al-Anon, I get sucked in at times, forget me & want to get the adoration of solving someone lese's problem ~ some pathetic lark ~ I'm a girl I'm supposed to be "dramatic" & not a 'problem solver' (UGH). I'm so quick to run out on myself, day dream & end up reminiscing, doing nothing. I ought to have my own art gallery by now... No, No - that's Stinkin' Thinkin' - I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be, still having some suicidal ideations but I am still here, still trying, the depression comes in waves just like the Progress & healing.
I'm just so confrontational & sick of thier B/S. Time to love me, nurture me & get on with my own life instead of my own "pity pot" wishing I had the courage 20 yrs ago to stand up for myself & say what my dreams were... gotta get a broom out to sweep away the cobwebs & dust so I can still find my dreams!
Hang in there cookie, think about yourself. Love, -KoL
__________________
Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
(((serendip))))) Oh when the Saints, go marching out, oh when the Saints go marching out...you all know the tune, so let's sing it! LOL
Seriously, maybe it's the weather or something, but what you have seems to be catching. Those of us who have tried so hard to be compassionate, understanding, loving, etc. towards the A's in our lives, have thrown off the mantle of Sainthood, and let the real us shine through! Feels good! Don't have to have all that fancy-schmancy Sainthood costume to weigh us down. Martyrdom can be such a job, and we have enough work to do just on ourselves! And there is only so much time in the day.
Good for you for sticking with the program and immersing yourself in it. That's what I did when I was brand-new in the program, just let myself soak it in. I found out there's not room in one body for Sainthood and Program both, so one of them has to go! When you get right down to it, Program is so much easier! Even the hard parts, that were, for me detachment and taking care of myself. I come from a long line of Martyrs!
Keep up the good work. Sometimes when I feel frustrated, I am amazed that finally I am ALLOWING myself to feel. So, I guess then, feeling frustrated is part of the healing process!
Maybe what I said was inappropriate or I wasn't really understanding what you guys were saying clearly enough. I'm sure I'm stuck in my own perception of my reality as it is. Hope it wasn't insensitive or offensive. After 22 yrs, I still feel like brightly colored grass ~ a newbie w/out a clue.
Obviously I have problems with "martyr" issues, what do I know about Saints?
I do "Angels" are defined by Ones who carry a message of God (love, encouragement, hope) so all I know is I see a lot of Angels here when I need them.
We certainly are all entitled to be wtvr it is that we want to be. I know I have the "right" to pursue my own happiness & I deserve to.
Lovingly, -KoL
__________________
Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
I had the insight recently that whatever the A does he is the victim. It all has to be "his" way and his way alone. He has no concept of responsibility or appropriateness. He puts on a great "show" though I have to say. There are lots of people who buy his "act". I am just not one of them anymore. He has no clue that I have cottoned onto his act of course. He still tries to work his "magic" all the time the tantrums, the victim demands, the cajoling, the poor me's, the world revolves entirely around him and only him. I used to believe he cared about me but I know that's not the case. The other day he said he loved me and I said if you loved me you would not have crashed my truck. He was totally taken aback. I was supposed to go to mush because he said those words. And guess what he said "oh crashing the truck hurt me too". How did it hurt him he hasn't paid for it, done anything about it. How exactly did it hurt him?
But oh no I forgot the world revolves entirely around him. And I'm only here to serve him.
I used to boil over around the A's totally self absorption now I don't. I just watch it go by and get on with my own stuff. I may be slow in doing that. I have so many obstacles in my way but I do keep on with plan b night and day and he has no clue at all.
Even the hard parts, that were, for me detachment and taking care of myself. I come from a long line of Martyrs!