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I'm trapped!!! Trapped because my "A" husband still hasn't fixed the brakes on my car, and it's just sitting out in the yard lookin' like a piece of junk crap! The sun is taking the paint off in places...the battery is just a few months new, but already loosing charge because it's just sitting! I love that car! I worked so hard for it, and never missed a payment on it. Living in the country, the little critters are going to get up inside it and chew it up when it really starts getting cold outside! I'm learning he's not dependable about anything!!! My boss complained Thursday that the tires on my school bus were an "eye sore" (dried up mud on them) and we needed to get some gravel down if I wanted to continue to keep it at the house and not 10 miles away at the garage! "Oh, I'll get it done over the weekend" my "AH" said. Well, here it is Sunday 8:05 *AM* and it's been storming and when I pull out of here tomorrow morning my tires are going to look like what? EWWWWWWWWWW!!! His Uncle called and hung up on me last Wednesday because my "AH" isn't finishing the job he started for his Uncle's new house! His dad called and chewed me out because he didn't go to his brother's house to get his bills out of the mailbox, so they could get paid until he gets home from the hospital! I'm catching alot of crap for him here lately and I'm going to explode!!! He's always telling people he'll do something and then he doesn't!! I was planning on leaving him 2 months ago...and didn't do it!! I had the money and the divorce papers up in the closet ready to go, all I had to do was build up the courage to tell him I'd had enough and I was leaving! But NO! I couldn't do it!! I'm so trapped!! I'm so mad at myself!!! We spent all the money I had saved up to go see the Gulf Coast and hurricane damage from Katrina...cause that's what he wanted to do. I was so tired of worrying about how I was going to get my car fixed to leave, and how I was going to tell him I wanted the divorce. I started getting scared I was going to have a stroke or heart attack over it, so I decided to give up on it, that it wasn't worth it! I decided I was going to have a great time while we were gone, and I did. Now it's back to the same ol crap and there'a not a thing I can do about it. He's growing his hair long and I hate it, he looks like he's on skid row, because he doesn't shower and take care of himself or care what he looks like when he's out in public! And I hate being seen with him and even being in the same bed with him!! I'm worried that his doctors are going to notice that he's changed too, and start investigating him!! If he gets drug tested they are going to find cocaine and marijuana in his system along with the al-cohol and pain killers. And then they'll cut him off his meds. Or worse than that...he'll be out drinking and driving and get caught, or kill someone, and I'll have to deal with all that comes with it! I just wish I had the courage to get out of it period!! I've tried praying and having a commitment on a daily basis with God and because I can't be consistant with that, I don't have the faith that God will see me thru this mess!! I can't pray any more without feeling guilty that I'm getting what I deserve because I don't trust God to help me. I come here to the group and just read everyone else's posts. I can't reply back because I can't help or encourage anyone! My "AH" has no idea that I even belong to such a group. I have to lie and keep so many se-crets from him and I'm so tired of it all. What's the point of even living if I can't be honest and be who I am instead of having to hide it because I got myself into this mess in the first place? I have to ask...how do you get busy, if you can't get out of the house? Except to work and back home? How can you get better if you can't get out to get the help you need like a doctor to discuss your lifestyle "honestly"...and get the courage to change the things that need to be changed in order to live a fulfilling life? I'm 49 for cryin' out loud...I just can't see doing this for the rest of what time I have left on this earth! But I also can't stand it that I can't get the courage up to do a damn thing about it!! I appreciate this group being here because I don't have any where else to go. So, thank you from the bottom of my heart for letting me vent! I hope someone out there understands. Hugs, Korinne
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Today, I am grateful to be on the path of dealing with my life and continuing to grow truly stronger.
I was in the same boat with my ex husband, only he wasn't a drinker. He was the "dry drunk", had all the behavior of one, but no alcohol/drugs. He lied, manipulated, and was only concerned about himself, not me or his daughter. I took his procrastination, lying, controlling for 13 years. I thought about leaving many, many times, only I didn't have a job that could pay well enough for me to be on my own.
I finally went back to school, got a great job, and had him served divorce papers. It was easier to have him served while I wasn't home, because I knew he'd freak out. He had absolutely NO idea that I wasn't going to take it anymore. I even hid the shotgun in the attic under the insulation, in case he got mad enough. I have seen him mad before and didn't want to be in the situation if it happened.
Boy was he pissed that I wanted a divorce. He had not a clue. But I finally got up the courage to get out of that mess of a marriage, out of his controlling grip. What a relief it was to be free of that!
I can understand about the laziness regarding fixing anything for you. We had cars out in the pasture, near the cows and the barns, that were old and junky, with pests living in them. He didn't care.
I hope you find the resolve to get out, if that's what you really want to do. You will do it when it's time, when you've had enough of his crap.
Sounds like u have run up against the roadblock called "expectations" Oh how they have messed with my serenity...
Expectations are premeditated resentments.
I expected the alcoholics and addicts in my life not to act like alcoholics and addicts. My ex was great at saying he would do things like fix the breaks...( the break job on his truck took a year and a half) My car always seemed to need something...but one day I thought it was "my car" I would get it fixed and I did.....Saved up my money and fixed "my car". He said he was going to do that...and I thought yes going to do...but never do...everytime he said he was going to do...I thought he would do it..and again he wouldn't.....I would be upset...round and round we went.... wish I would have tried something different..I didn't know what insanity was then...
Doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results...
I use to worry my ex would kill himself...60 years old and doing meth? But ya know 5 years later he is still alive and using, and I am glad I quit worring about it, Giving up my days, day after day,,worrying...most things I worried about never happened..The things that did happen i never thought to worry about...geez!
Getting busy means to me getting busy on taking care of me...going to meetings, reading the literature, handling my troubles in bite size pieces..
making a list, doing what i can today....and then putting the list away knowing I have done all I can...Helps me to let it go..
When I started thinking about leaving my ex, I started stashing a buck here and there, paying off a bill here and there...One day at a time I got things in order...
It took me along time to get where i was when I got to alanon...so i have to remember it will take a few days to get better. I still would like the magic wand...but I pull out my list and cross off another thing and get on with it.
I can't fix anyone but me, and that's a full time job!
I am go understanding your feelings, I have been married for 19 yrs to an alcoholic/addict I totally get the laziness........they don't have the capibilities fo finsih one thing they start...that is so sad....
Have you thought about hiring someone to fix your breaks, I live in the country as well I must have my car...I don't even tell my husband when something like that happends I just get it fixed....lol...because he will let it go...
So happy you found this wonderful mip site...you will meet very many wonderful people here who are in your shoes......living with addiction is not easy for anyone....you should try the meetings here and even come on in the chat and share a little when you have a chance...
Try and remember....it is not your fault or responsibility what he does...he is a grown man and you are not responsible for him.....
Once you can accept that, you can focus on yourself....and then life begins again...the darkness.....living with an addict can become bright again....one day at a time...
Hello af , been there done that. When people call regardless of who they are when they are jumping all over you becuse of something he didn't do. cut into conversation and tell them to speak to your husb. and do the sorry gotta go now. You don't have to sit and listen to abuse for something that has nothing to do with you . Leave hubby a note DAd called , brother called and let it go at that.
And as for that car , save a few bucks and get it fixed yourself today u have choices , you probably have noticed he really dosen't care if u have a car to drive or not. Keeps u home and right where he wants you. good luck Louise
I've been there too - thought I had no choices. Turns out I did. The less you depend on him, the better off you will be - in fact, you may find that when you don't NEED him, he's easier to take, because you won't have all that resentment.
Only way to do it is baby steps - first step I'd make is to save up my money and get the car fixed. If that makes him mad, say something like "Oh, wanted to save you the trouble..." I used to allow so much, because I didn't want to make him mad, and then I realized - he's mad anyway. I may as well do what I like, at least in the important things. Actually, it usually worked out OK.
If you can get the face to face meetings near you, you will start to feel more like a human being, and more like you have a life outside of him. Even without a car, I bet if you call your local meeting, there would be a way to get you there - maybe someone drives right by your place on her own way to the meeting. Worth a phone call, anyway. If not, you can always come here.
