my ex ah just called and we talked for about an hour. he sounds still slightly drunk. but he was reaching out from the disease. i stayed in my program. i spoke from my experience and told him that i have no answers for him. he came right out and told me that he wishes i could save him. and i told him that i can't. no one can. i think he was trying to shock me with some of the places his alcoholism has brought him. it didn't shock me, i've heard that and worse at open aa speaker meetings. sounds like typical alcoholic behaviors. i think he was trying to make me feel sorry for him saying that he is misunderstood by everyone and he has no one to talk to. i told him that is who he chooses to surround himself with. he said at one point that at least he is not as narrcisistic because he can't look at himself in the mirro anymore. i kinda laughed and said well, we've been on the phone for an hour and all we've talked about is you! he laughed and had to agree. i just kept bringing it back to his disease and his mental illness. i'm not fooling myself thinking that i got thru to the real him. he worked a great program for a while. he knows all about the 12 steps. i know he knows what to do when he's ready. i also know that he won't hear that from anyone else in his life right now. they are all victims, his mother being the queen of the victims. but why am i doing this?am i trying to be a saint? am i just tortuing myself? am i directing my energy towards him so as not to deal with myself? or am i just being the friend he needs right this minute? i'm not clear on my motive. some of what he said was heartbreaking and some just made me roll my eyes. i brought up things that concern me as far as the kids, and the genetics. i threw in a little nurture vs. nature dig at his family but that sailed right by thankfully. i guess i was able to say alot of what i've wanted to say and i was able to say it in a very caring way. that felt good.

 it almost felt like talking to my uncle who was the alcoholic in my life growing up. he died of the disease at age 55. he had wet brain for the last 8 years and was one of those fall down, in the gutter alcoholics difference being he lived with us rather than the street. when i first started comming to alanon i knew my uncle was an alcoholic. it was very very obvious that he had a disease and he died from it. but to think that my h had the same disease seemed impossible. my h was fine, sober and physically strong. it was hard to believe that my h had the same disease. but he does. and just like aa says left unchecked it just gets worse. it is so clear to me that my ex ah is on the same path that my uncle took. bizarre almost. my uncle lived with us because his wife took the kids and left and my uncle didn't have much to do with them after that. he affected my life greatly. my ex ah is living with his sister and her kids, is having less and less to do with his kids.i suppose that's not bizzare it's just the disease. 

  thank all, just had to vent.....