The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
whoa is this what it feels like to be a fool??? To think I spouted my love for him, and shared his fake love in jail to me. TT saw it, said don't get sucked into the drama.
abbyal saw it. others saw it. All these years, using me, taking all he could.
Never being there. giving me bits of hope since I was 17. I was so dumb. Why didn't i listen to my mother?
I would fly to see him on his USAF base. Then he would come to town and not even call me. I would call him.
Mother tried to tell me.
Friends tried to tell me.
Here I am, all of it running thru my head. I made beauty out of lies. I am good at that. things are not so hot, look for the good. Better to look for the real.
I have always looked for the good in my A. always believed it was there. It hasn't been. It was all me. all me. me from what my parents, grandparents, aunts uncles my kids friends, coworkers gave me, taught me.
I am a forgiving person, to a FAULT. Take care of me is taking on some new thoughts here.
stay away from him, don't answer him, don't care, don't think of him, don't do anything for him. Keep him away from my son.
If he even calls my son again, I will find him and I will make sure he will never, ever bother him again.
He stepped over the line. No I would NEVER do anything to disappoint the creator. I can stop him in a New York minute in many very legal ways.
My teeth are chattering I am so livid here. Can a person be a fool for 36 years???? sure can.
shoulda listened to my mother. She did not like him from the start. I got pg with our son, I call him and he says,"is it mine?" omg.
HIs mother and family were sitting in her kitchen when A and I got back from the hospital after my first husband died. They blamed me for his death.
was horrible.
I was so awful becuz I was divorcing him. I was doing so becuz he drove drunk with my children and I was sick of him not coming home on friday after he got paid and went partying. I did not know not to go hunt him down.
with my precious babies. find him with his friends passed out in filth.
Oh just ban me. lol I gotta get a "new attitude." Boy I can hear my mother when I see her again,"told ya so" she will say.....
(((Debilyn))) I am so sorry for your pain. Although my circumstances were different, my emotions were very similar, feelings of humiliation and betrayal. I too believed in my A and it crucified me when he took advantage of my faith in him and ultimately hurt me. Please remember that of itself believing in someone against all the odds is (imho) an admirable quality, in my case it was just misplaced. Please don't beat yourself up, you've been through enough. It is his shame not yours, he abused your good nature, it is what alcoholics do. I survived and became a stronger, wiser person. You can too. I had to be careful not to allow my A's mistreatment of me to poison my heart and soul. I raged, I vented and I cried and with the love and support of the program and the fellowship I was able to not just get through it but I believe, get past it. Know that we care and you are not alone in your pain.
You're not having a good time of it. Best put down the hammer and stop beating on yourself. Don't be so hard on yourself cause you need to feel some self love. Surrender it all to your HP and abandon yourself to your HP also. When I was where you are at now I came around to asking my HP to hold me when I was wanting my Alcoholic to do so. HP holds me better than anyone ever has including my alcoholic.
Try taking up an attitude of gratitude for the good stuff. It might be difficult at the moment but the gratitudes are there. Put down the "Fool" flag and Let go and Let God.
You are so supportive of others you might as well find out what that feels like by being supportive with Debilyn.
In the meantime take some ((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))
Debilyn, do not feel stupid; do not feel ignorant; you are neither. You are a woman who loved a man and gave it all she had. OK, the light has finally dawned, and you are realizing that all the friends, even Mom, could see the forest for the trees, and you could not. There's life after this kiddo. A life, in fact, that you can embrace for all its goodness and joy. Take care of you, and take care of your precious Eden. My prayers and positive energy are flowing your way. It'l be all right. Stand tall and proud. You'll be just fine.
With great caring, Diva
__________________
"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
One thing I love about this program is that we are allowed to feel however it is we are feeling, we are just reminded we don't have to stay there. It also helps me to know that there is not one of us who hasn't "fallen for it" and felt as you have. I battle falling into what I want v.s. what really is. It doesn't help that our A's "have a way" that keeps drawing us into the illusion.
You may feel like a fool, but you are not. Remember what you are dealing with. You may be mad at your A, but it sounds as if you are angrier at yourself. Again, remember what you are dealing with and what you already know. Try not to be too angry with yourself, you are human and even dealing with all the insanity of A'ism we desire those normal things, things that should and aught to be.
Keep leaning on God/Hp. I know you know He's always there and will never let you down. Sometimes I have to go back to my journaling, or make a list of thing that I know were a "God/Hp thing" just to help me see that no matter how bad it's gotten, every time I've received His help.
If you are a fool then I am a fool and many of us are fools. I feel your pain, and I can certainly relate to what you are going through. My A has left for over 3 years now, boughten a new house moved in with another woman (or cow) as I call her. There isnt a day when I dont think of him, as I still miss him so very much. I dare not say that to my friends, as they too saw him for what he was doing to me prior to his leaving. They told me to get mad , get firm, set boundries etc. but I couldnt because I was hanging on to a thin thread of hoping he would quit drinking and I didnt want to rock the boat anymore than it already was. I was so blind, and in hindsight I should have taken more of a stand. But I was weak ,beaten down so low from this disease, taking whatever tiny bit of affection and attention running with it, thinking this time things would get better from there on. NOT! His drinking and going out got worse. And the sad part is for me is that I still think he (the old husband) will come back. I dont know if I can ever let him go comepletely as I have been with him since I was 15. I am now 51. I truly thought we were going to make it. So I understand. You are a good woman I have read many of your posts, so start taking care of yourself, doing things for yourself and you family and animals that makes you happy, The time has come!.......Live and let live.................gardengal
Debilyn, you are not a fool. I am not a fool. Everyone on here are not fools. You are a woman who cared too much. Loved too hard. Got lost in a man who didn't deserve you. You lost you as most of us here have. He's now given you gold. The chance to get to know YOU. Know the strong, warrior woman you are. It may not seem that way now. You probably feel weak, bashing yourself endlessly. Small problems become huge. I know all of this. I am this. BUT, I keep reminding myself that others see in me something else. Something worthy of love. We both, we all, have a very hard journey ahead. Perhaps the hardest journey of our lives. But, the end of the journey is well worth the hardships. The end is the discovery that you did it. You walked the walk and talked the talk and came out intact and better than before. Life is full of these journey's. Take all of the side roads and detours as just a bit of an inconvenience. Either go through them or go around them. Listen to your heart. Listen to what is speaking quietly inside you. If this is the HP that we all strive to know, then even if you recognize it or not (there is my problem) it is there. Unmistakeably there. Reach out. There are people around you with arms waiting to catvh you and hold you. This happened to me. I thought I had no one. I have 3 Angels now. All I have to do is ask and I receive. This is something that is also new to me. I hid behind walls of hurt and shame. I had a wall so think no one could get through. Slowly, oh so slowly, that wall is cracking. Cry, cry for what was what could have been. Cry for yourself. Cry for nothing! Then wipe it away and relax. Make a call. Reach out and those arms will be there. You are much more than you think you are. You're you. I need say nothing more.
Be angry, why wouldn't you be!! Channel it and make it work for you. Yesterday I weeded, did yard work, shopped(food) and then did something for me (took kids to TGIF for dinner). YOUR post made me realize I am the only one who can determine my future.
Choose yours. You're a wise woman. Trust yourself, forgive yourself. We are only human and forget that what we want isn't always what we NEED!!
thinking of you
evey
p.s today's my sons birhtday, we're going fishing!!
(((Deb)))) You are not a fool, you are a woman who loves with all her heart, and that is precious. You have so much love for your children, grandbabes, all the creatures at Eden. You are an unselfish, kind soul.
The A's see that kindness in us, and the disease allows them to twist our love and distort it and use it for its own gain. It is up to each of us to decide how we can best deal with all of that, or even if we want to deal with living with an A. If we decide to stay or go, does not make us fools or a bad person. Nor does it nominate us for saint-hood. We must each choose our own path, regardless of what other people say or see. When we are ready, we will decide. And a lot of times, our friends and family can see it way before we can. Just like we can see the suffering that the alcoholism is going to cause and the A cannot see it. Life is just funny that way.
Sometimes to begin to heal, we must become very angry, outraged. Sounds like that is what you are doing. Letting out the sorrow, pain, and loneliness that loving your A has caused you. After a while, you will begin to heal.
Look at it this way, your A is missing out on so much that you have in your life....the beautiful creatures at Eden, your appreciation for life, family, friends. The gift of compassion for all animals, and their love for you. All he has is his addiction, and that skanky woman.
You are living (although it may be hard for you to see right now in your sadness) amid a thousandy-million rainbows there at Eden. All those beautiful animals looking to your for their lives. All the lives you have touched. Your beautiful land and home, your son and daughter. Your gorgeous grandson. (I forget if you have more grandbabies).
Even in the midst of the anger, sorrow and pain that A has brought to your life, God has also blessed you. And He has blessed me and all of us here, who have been so honored to meet you.
Love in Recovery,
If I was there right now, I would give you a great big hug!
I have felt that way so many times.I have been married to my A for 36 years.I have often felt I was a fool.
I looked up the definition of 'fool' on the Miriam Webster website.It says " a person lacking in judgment or prudence;a harmlessly deranged person or one lacking in common powers of understanding".......
That is what the disease of alcoholism did to me.Made me "harmlessly deranged" lol.Although it was not completely harmless,it harmed me.Judgement? I must have been lacking in that or I would not have stayed with him this long.
So maybe by definition I have been a fool,a fool for him.My family never liked him.But I certainly didn't trust THEIR judgement.
Worse,I'm a hardheaded fool.I had to let him hurt me enough and deeply before I could finally see that my gut instincts were right all along.I have defended him,covered for him,loved him.
I am not going to resent or blame myself however.I have done that,but no more.I don't like to blame "the disease" but I know that my choices have been influenced by it.Also by my love for God.I made vows before him when I married my husband.The problem is I was the only one trying to fix the marriage,one person cannot do it alone.
I have loved my husband.I am not sure how I feel about him now.I also believe he loved me at one time.My best friend says he still does, but he says he doesn't so I have to believe that even though it hurts.
I am human.I do not blame all of my negative characteristics on alcoholism.Even if I had never known an A I would still have character defects.I made my choices and I alone are responsible for them.
I think that the ability to love and love deeply is a positive quality.Not everyone can do that.To be able to give of yourself is a good thing.To feel compassion for another.We have certainly shown unconditional love,haven't we?Those abilities are gifts from God.
They say it is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.I am grateful for the years my AH and I had love and shared it.Some of those were drinking years too.I am grateful for the good times we had.He is choosing now to leave me and find someone else.He has a right to that choice.I hope he finds what he is searching for.
I am gonna go find Drucilla.I am going to love her and cherish her and protect her.I want to give love to someone who will value that love and honor that love.God does that.He seeks my love.He will not squander it.
I am not willing to be the fool any longer.I was willing before.
Sometimes seeing the light hurts.But we have to see it in order to step into it.
A fool ? never just a lady who understood unconditional love and was able to give it, again and again. Until it hurts so much you have to let it go , reality sucks some days deb but there are n o suprises when living in it. It is what it is we either adapt ourselves to it or we go down. Finding the strength to truly let go is a miracle in it'self. I persoally don't feel that I am able to give unconditional love the way u have , don't know if I will ever get there.
Love cannot survive without Justice , If we can't get back what were willing to give it will die.
You are no fool. It is always so easy for others to see how we should live our lives. Just as it would have been easy for me to tell you what I think you should have done a long time ago! But no one walks in someone else's shoes. Period. For all our similarities we are each different. We each have to learn for ourselves, no one can do it for us. Those same people who would say to you "I told you so" don't often line up to say...you know what I was wrong about that when they arent right. I had people come to me after my divorce and say things like, "I never did really like her anyway, there is something not right about her." Well, thats funny, they sure were friendly with her before.
I know your feelings. I had them too. When am I gonna get my genuine apology for the shit my ex heaped on me. When is this supposed recovering member of AA gonna come do a 9th step with me? She freakin owes me!!!!
But the truth is....the answer is probably never. And if she ever does she does, but I better not waste my time sitting around here waiting for it..being bitter and angry.
I know you know all this. I know you are raw right now. I know your will find you way through it.
I really like what abby said about justice. And how love cant survive without it. I agree with that. But as far as justice for the things that we have had to deal with from the a's in our lives....there may be none coming for us from them. HP has that under His power. Justice is His.
We just need to know that it is not about us. We are not fools. We are not lesser beings unworthy of love and RESPECT. We should not accept being treated as such. We are all of us, beautiful children of God. This should afford us special treatment right? Nope, not from others, they are gonna treat us however they are gonna treat us. We have to choose how we want to be treated. But most importantly we must never forget who We are. And treat OURSELVES accordingly.
Debi, you are no fool. You are a wonderful, beautiful person with a lovely spirit and a lovely heart. And I am so glad to know you as I do, and marvel at your wonderful world. I love reading your posts and I thank you for being a part of this community!
It is always much easier for those of us on the outside of a situation to have the clarity. Remember we do not have the emotional attachment. I have to say I think 90 per cent of us are good at encouraging others , yet fail in our own dealings with the A. That is why we are in al-anon. This is just a bump in the road for you I am expecting your next post to say WELL I AM BACK TO THE OLD DEBILYN TOO BUSY TO DWELL ON RICK HAVE TOO MANY ANIMALS TO LOOK AFTER. Stay in touch with your feelings and then hand them to HP. Here is a passage I found in one of the al-anon books I have it pinned next to my computer. It does not just apply to anyone with an A in their life. It is a gentle reminder that we all deserve the best.
I AM AN INDIVIDUAL WITH THE RIGHT TO A GOOD LIFE.
I MUST NOT LOOK TO ANYONE ELSE TO MAKE A GOOD LIFE FOR ME.
THIS I MUST DO FOR MYSELF
HAVE I DECEIVED MYSELF INTO THINKING THAT IT IS MY LOT IN LIFE TO ACCEPT ANYTHING HANDED OUT TO ME NO MATTER HOW HUMILIATING OR DEGRADING?
Do not underestimate what you have achieved so far. How many others could run Eden single handledly like you do? We are here for you whenever you need us. (()) Luv Leo xxx
All those beautiful animals looking to your for their lives. All the lives you have touched. Your beautiful land and home, your son and daughter. Your gorgeous grandson. (I forget if you have more grandbabies). 
