The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
The horrible, mean, manipulative, liar, living with another woman, A has hurt me so bad, that I hate my husband who does not have the balls to stand up and choose the light.
NO I am not free. He loves that, able to hold onto me. whatever. sexless wonder he is.
Don't think I have ever felt like this. To look at this as he was only playing games to get what he wanted. He let the A out to toy with me. OH he got money in jail and some reading glasses.
He conveniently "lost" my number. NO I am not gonna swim in the calm while a huge wave is just waiting to drown me. Becuz it always will, always. He can be on a program for years and I do not want to hear his voice or see him or hear about him. As far as I am concerned he my husband and the A are dead.
dead to me. I don't know what will happen as far as me here. I am feeling so bitter and so hurt. I want to find him and beat the crap out of him. Catch him off guard like he has done to me.
They are so stupid, so ignorant. They never take responsibility for anything they have done or do to you. They cannot face their own mistakes or apologize and mean it.
Let them feel guilty and ashamed. Let them wanna die, let them be homeless.
I want the A to go down, all the way down. So down they are rotting, so sick they just cannot do it anymore, then they can make a choice, life or death. too bad I won't be there holding my hand out to him anymore.
Wow, the honesty in your feelings is so raw...thanks for posting....I get that way at times, just like in the words that you wrote. I know when I get like that it exhausts me, it is so hard at times like that for me to see any good. I am glad you have your animals, because from the pictures I can tell you love them so much and they you. Hang in there.....be gentle with yourself. Hugs Mary
Ok, you got that out.You needed to get that out.I went thru the anger as well.It doesn't feel all that well after awhile.
Now I am gonna talk to you "like a dutch aunt" as my MIL used to say.
Resentment is like swallowing poison and waiting for the other person to die.It only harms YOU.Ya gotta move on.They say the best revenge is to be happy.You have many things to be grateful for.Look around you.
I think our husbands are fools.They are turning their backs on good women who love them deeply to go after the life in darkness.
The thing I have to keep reminding myself of is that my AH is on his own path.He has lessons to learn before he gets out of this world.God is trying to teach him these lessons.I must not get in the way.
Some day they may wants us back and it will be too late.That's a lesson.They will have to live with that.Some people never learn.But that is God's business though,not mine.
I wouldn't say this to everyone,Deb,but I think your beliefs may be similar to mine.We are all here on our own path.When we come to the end (nobody is getting out of here alive),we will stand ALONE before God.That is the relationship I want to nurture.
People who choose not to be with me,well that is their path,let them follow it.I am trying to stay on mine.If someone chooses to come along with me,great.But still we all end up responsible for our own lives and our own choices.
Find Debilyn again.That strong,detached,sensible,loving,funny,forgiving person that I know you are.Take care of her and love her.
Oh my! Looks like a few of us are going through the same thing right now. I have never been so angry as I have been this time, and he has treated me much worse in the past. Piss on me, but don't piss on my family!! The Tiger will give a great roar!!
Daughter and I are going out to see some old friends tonight, and we're really looking forward to it. Praying your day will get better too. Drucilla covered about everything, just wanted you to know I'm praying for us all, Love TLC
Yeah, I've been there, just needing to roar out my anger and pain. And I think roaring it out is the right thing to do with it - it's when we hold on to it, hugging it close to us, that it starts to fester, and hurt US worse than it hurts anybody else.
I remember how shocked my A was, when I let him know how his betrayal felt - how wounded I was. It felt so good to not pretend that I understood, that I just instantly forgave. I DIDN'T understand, I didn't forgive - I was mad and let the world know it.
And then, with the help of this program and my counsellor, I let it go.
Deb, I think I shocked my A when I finally, a few weeks ago, let him "have it'. I was just sick and tired of being understanding, keeping my mouth shut, not stirring the pot, etc. So, I just spoke up and told him I was tired of hearing him complain, that things that happened in the past were over and every day is a new beginning, and he can spend the rest of his life being mad at me for having him arrested for domestic violence, or not, his choice. But my life was going to go on. Regardless. And I told him I was not going to talk about it anymore, it had gone on over a year and a half. And it was his doing, not mine that got him into trouble. And for once, he did shut up! He didn't sit at the kitchen table and grumble, groan, b****, whatever all night. He just shut up and sat there. Then he went to sleep on the couch. I woke up in the morning and he was in bed beside me. Hmmmmm, maybe I should try that more often. I know it is healthier for me.
I think what astonishes me about the A is that he can justify all his "using" and his acting out in the way that he is always the victim. I have never seen him as totally irresponsible before. Of course he always was, he just dressed it up very very well.
I think it was very noble of you to go offer your hand to the A in prison. Obviously he was white knuckling it rather than sober. I often get fed up with the way the A always puts all his needs first above everything.
I know also there is no question without the bottoms this man has put me through I would not be dealing with my codependence and I really needed to. I don't think I deserved any of the stuff he put out on me. At the same time I had issues when I met him and that's why I could not see his lying coniving ways for the trees. I also had a great deal of affection for him for a long long time.
I am proud of you that you can speak how angry you are. I think anger can be a great motivator. I think rage can be used constructively. I am not one to advocate letting go anymore. Neither am I one to adovcate revenge either. For me anger is a sign of my boundaries breaking and they are not going to be as permeable anymore. I can learn.....
I am so glad that you have this space to talk about your feelings and get them out without judgment. You have always been immensely compassionate towards the A even when he was at his worst.
