The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I know I am tired, it is evening. My son called. I asked he not call A but to go face him. A can act all big and scarey on the phone, but face to face, with my (his bio son) very big powerful son, he is a larvae.
Feel sick inside and very sad. This crap has gone off and on all my life.
And more important my son's life. It's my fault. I said I would not visit him in jail. But did about 3 times, wrote him, he wrote me and called one time. And that was enough to let the evil right back in.
The set up, the manipulation, the lies. Feel worse becuz of what it does to my son. I love my son and daughter with all my being and would die for them, no question, would do about anything for them.
If A is crazy enough to come here, he will hurt me. I will throw him in jail.Don't care if it is a disease, Don't care if my husband is held inside. He needs to be locked up.
But I know him, he is a wus, never carries anything thru, would never want to get involved with the law. He is scared to death of the police.
No wonder people have to divorce their A and cannot be around them anymore. Cannot imagine my alanon sister and brothers actually living with this kind of hell in their homes. At least I could get him out and be able to struggle and keep my home.
Someone was right on here when they said the same thing will happen over and over until you do it different.
It was me going off my path and visiting him in jail, allowing him to manipulate me into believing everything would be ok. Me so hungry for my husbands love.
I have gotten right back on my program. I make mistakes. Very painful though, like I see others go thru.
What would we do with out being able to come here, and be with others who truly understand? I know I would cocoon myself and hide away. Not answer the phone, stay off the computer, know I would make myself disapear for a long time.
Alcoholism is so horrible. It just goes on and on and on, get worse and worse and more and more painful. I have hope, think he will come out again, and then soon he will die and I will mourn that man who never came again.
Not so sure how to live life with out him here somewhere. I guess someday I may find out.
Feel like my eyelids are thick and heavy and there are just too many tears. Tired of crying.
eh tomorrow is another day, will be better, love,debilyn
Hi Debilyn I've been reading your posts. I'm so sorry you're having a bad night. You're in good company with me. I'm currently making plans to leave my husband. This disease sucks. I was a good wife... I'm a great person, ...a great catch...and I don't deserve any of this.
your puffy, red-eyed, tearful friend...
artygirl
__________________
Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass, it is about learning to dance in the rain.
((((Deb)))) OK, if you must vent, go ahead..sigh! Just Kidding! If I had not had this place to come to and vent, I might have lost what was left of my mind!
You sound very soul-weary tonight. What with all the stress and confusion, and being sick on top of everything else, no wonder you are feeling a little down. But, I know you Deb. You'll jump back up and blow us all away with your ESH! You always do. That is why this program works. We gather our strength from HP and each other, and we move forward. Remember, progress not perfection. And as long as we are still breathing, we did not fail.
I will send out extra prayers for you today, Deb. For your recovery, for your health, and your family. I know what you mean about your son. I have a daughter who is 30, and is not my A's child, but she has known him since she was 2. She has a lot of anger and resentment toward my A for what has happened in my life. And he has a lot of anger toward her because she rightfully called the police when she thought her mama was in danger.
It has been very hard for me to realize I cannot control her any more than I can control him, and her feelings about the A. I believe she is fully entitled to however she feels, but I don't want the hatred toward him to eat her up. I am open and honest with her, and let her know that I am taking care of myself, and doing what I need to do. She feels like she gave him a second chance when he and I took a second chance on love after being apart 9 years. She does not feel like giving him a third chance. And she doesn't want anything to do with Alanon. I cannot make her, but I do not make excuses for my husband, either. I love both of them, and I wish they could, if not love, but tolerate each other, but she cannot and he will not.
My A tries to act big and tough when he's drunk, but he's really a softie, wants other people to think well of him, and would give someone the shirt off his back if they needed it, and scared to death of the police. Last time they came in Dec. when my daughter called them, and he had been screaming at me and the police heard all of it, when they yelled his name and told him to open the door, he ran around turning out all of the house lights like they wouldn't know he was there.
Try to get some rest, dear Deb. You must be exhausted, that bronchitis can sap the strength right out of you.
What do you mean,"hope it is ok to vent?"???? I think that is the one way for all of us to find sanity in our crazy mixed-up worlds!! It feels so wonderful to be able to have a place to vent where everyone understands, even though they may not have had the same experience, they are here for each other. It's such a great place to come 'home' to where our friends and family are. Love, your Sis in recovery, TLC
If I had not had this place to come to and vent, I might have lost what was left of my mind!
