The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I just spent the evening with my best friend and my husband's former best friend (his best friend from childhood until just recently when he confronted him about his addictions and behavior.) They both made me realize enough is enough. My husband is not only an extremely active alcoholic, but a cocaine addict too. He seems to have no desire to get any help for himself and frankly, I'm exhausted from the whole situation.
We've been married for 16 years. His father died about 5 years ago and that's about the time he started making his downward spiral. He got a significant inheritance from his father and had no problem spending it right away and he just kept spending even after the money was gone. We both work full time and have no children. He managed to put us so far into debt that we had a hard time paying our bills. He was in charge of paying the bills for years and I didn't realize what he was doing to us financially. I took over paying the bills just in time to realize what was happening. We had to get a consolidation loan earlier this summer in order to be able to pay all our bills. He (of course) vowed to change his ways.
Today I found out he borrowed more money from the bank, on top of our loan. I asked him why and what he spent the money on. I don't believe his excuses anymore and I'm just so tired of not trusting and being lied to. I wanted to think that MY husband... MY formerly dear, formerly sweet, formerly considerate husband would never do anything like this to me. This is a phase... he'll get better... Now I'm just too tired to deal with this anymore. I've had enough. I'm calling a lawyer on Monday morning. I love my house and have worked very hard on making it what it is today... but... it's just a house. I can't live here anymore if I'm treated this way. I'm afraid that I won't be able to get HIM to leave the house... it's probably going to have to be me.
I fear that he will never get any help. I just can't take any more.
Thanks for listening...
artygirl
__________________
Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass, it is about learning to dance in the rain.
Oh Arty how awful. I know the hopes and I know how much it hurts when we realize the disease tore us up again.
Since he signed the loan unknown to you, you are not responsible are you?
In Oregon if we don't sign any contract for loans, credit cards etc. we are not responsible for them.
Sadly you are doing the right thing. We must protect ourselves. If they get on a program of recovery, and we feel we want to see them or live with them, but maintain our own independance, that is up to the individual.
From what I have seen, reading your story, it can only get worse. So much worse.
I am glad you are facing the truth and getting ready to take care of you.It will make a big difference in your life. Does not mean you won't love the man you married. It is so hard to face it when we love someone but can no longer live with them.
Hoping you will keep coming here and allow us to support you.
Aloha Arty....and it looks like your hope level is way down. The program suggest that we go "Easy does it" when the tension in up and major decisions look like the solution. Enablers are great at reacting and going off the deep end. Not suggesting that you are doing that. Would suggest that you work this stuff out with your sponsor if you have one. If you don't, get one from your home f2f meeting or another meeting. It is suggested that we get a sponsor with time in recovery and with a recovery that we are drawn to.
Your experience is so typical of the alcoholic/addict marriage. Often times too late comes after it is all gone, including the place where your spirit use to live.
Like you I wish you weren't going thru what you are going thru. Still like you I went thru it also. Thank HP for the rooms of the Al-Anon Family Groups and this site.
Hi Arty. I'm new here and so far have taken from and not given to this board. So now I'd like to give a bit. I was lucky, my A walked out. You, on the other hand, have a choice to make. And it appears to be the right choice. BUT, speak with an attorney first. There are services out there at low or no cost if that is your need. What is important to is important! It's your's. Yes, this is an incredibly difficult situation. I know, I've been there (my first marriage). An attorney will take you on, no problem. The usual retainer is (at least in CA) $3,000.00. Here, this is an upfront charge. No pro-bone divorce allowed. BUT, a good attorney is worth gold. He had a good one, I did not. But this is not the important part. The important part is you and the very brave thing you're doing. Saving yourself. If there is even an ounce of violence you can get a restraining order which will keep him away from you and your house, temorarily. Yes, the order can become permanent. From this day forward write down everything, I mean everything that occurs. Even when you don't think it's important. Keep a pad and pen handy. This is IMPORTANT! I can't offer you emotional support at this point. I'm still an emotional train wreck (but getting back on track!). But I will tell you that all will be right with your world again. It will.
Living with a an active alcoholic/drug addict is difficult, to say the least. Try to remember, he is a sick person with a progressive disease. His actions are a result of the disease, he is not his true self. Most alcoholics have to hit bottom(everyone's bottom is different, my ex sold all his cars for drugs in one night thats when he hit bottom) before seeking help and we pull our hair out and think.....My Gosh isnt this the bottom, it cant get worse?! But it does.
We hit bottom too and have become sick emotionally and usually lacking spiritually. I agree with Jerry, go to f2f meetings, at lease 5 or 6, it will be a great support for you to hear from others in similar situations affected by alcohol and drugs. Also, listening to others share about how this 12 step program of recovery works is awesome. Thats why I say go to quite a few meetings so you can get a clear understanding of the program and how it will work for you.
You are already putting focus on you, keep it up and keep coming back to share! Hugs, G
