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Oh man, am I there yet? For years I have tried and tried to control the alcoholics drinking,,failing miserabley each time. Falling down in dispair, but eventually getting up and trying again and again. I was definately slamming my head against a brick wall! Because I loved my husband of 30 years, I was not going to give up no matter what. Each day I plotted, planned, and schemed what I could today to stop his drinking. I heard the definition of insanity "Doing the same things over and over again and expecting different results" Well I ended up insane to say the least. Then came the part where "If he loved me" he would quit. If he would just do this or that he would quit etc. I could not accept that he had an illness. Even after 7 years in alanon I still have feelings that he could quit if he really wanted to. Accepting alcoholism as an illness is a hard piece of this puzzle to swallow. The disease of alcoholism destroys mames, is cunning and extremely selfish. I cannot beleive to what lengths a person will go to keep drinking, lying cheating, stealing, and mostly to hurt the loved ones around them. Alcoholism is truly a "family disease", and we as alanoners must be willing to learn new ways to live life whether the alcoholic is still drinking or not. Stop the insanity and go to a meeting!.................Let it begin with me...........
Thanks gardengal eloquently put. It is always a good reminder to hear other's perspectives on A'ism and acceptance of it. I too have struggled with accepting it as a disease and can often go back to that baffling thought of why? Why would someone choose to put themselves through that kind of pain just to get high or drunk? Then I remember its a disease and the answer comes to me. Then I thank HP that he was able to show me this again, and again, and again. Teaching an old dog new tricks is tough especially with A'ism.
Have a great day,
Twinmom~
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"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
I can believe that alcoholism is a disease. I am a food addict and I know I feel what the A feels...only it is with food...not alcohol. It is a craving beyond my control. I cannot do it by my own will. I have so much compassion for the A. At least my disease is more acceptable. However, it can be life threatening.
Now...saying this, my A is my son as you know. Even though I whole-heartedly agree that it is a disease and that I do not have any control, I am not sure that I could live every day with an A husband. I don't know about that one.
A fellow al-anoner told me in a f2f meeting that sometimes "we lose our al-anon toolbox". When I do that (and I did this week) I go back and meditate on the first three steps. It is almost like doing exercise "1, 2, 3, repeat"...
Alcoholism is a disease. If you haven't already, read Under the Influence by James R. Milam and Katherine Ketcham and Beyond the Influence by Katherine Ketcham and William Asbury. In addition to my al-anon literature; these books have been in-valuable to me.
I was giving up on myself. I figured all this time I have been coming to this board, and falling right back to where I was at the beggining. I had found serenity for a while, had really learned to detatch, and honestly didn't care if he drank or not. Funny, when I changed, he changed too. He did really well with not getting drunk much anymore.
I guess I had my hopes up, and really believed he could do it for me. WRONG!! I know now especially that he has to do it for himself. It doesn't matter how angry I get, I CAN"T CURE HIM!! Talk about a brick wall... my head is getting sooo sore.
Well, this last time, he must have drank a whole bottle in one night after not drinking much for a long time. I'm not sure how long he drank, but he was away for 2 nights. He came home sober, and ill. He must have thought he would die, looked for sympathy, and found none. Wanted some of my pills for the what I call 'the heebie jeebies'. I gave him one for 2 nights because now I know it can literally kill him if he is forced to come 'down' too fast.
I have been so very, very angry this time! I felt like I had lost all my program. (This has to happen when my family is around every time this summer). He was sober yesterday, and we had it out. A real ole-fashioned yelling match. He tried to put the blame for his bad mood yesterday on me of course, then my daughter because she had knocked over his conditioner into the bathtub. I asked him if it had leaked and was gone down the drain? No. Anyway, I told him this all came about because he isn't the centre of my attention, and he is jealous. I told him he is sick and needs help, and is just a spoiled little boy, and he is going to have to learn how to handle it because I am not giving up my family for him. He was an only child who was doted on by his grandmother all his life. Well, he's 61, and it's time he grew up!
I have been reading 'Co-dependent No More' and I fall right in to the discription.
He has gone away today because I needed for him to get out of my face. I have been seriously thinking out of my life as well. If we stay together, I will start going to f2fs. Neither of us can beat this on our own. Thanks again for your post! It's so good to know I'm not the only one feeling that way. Love You, TLC
Accepting the fact that I have no control over my son's Aism was a whole different story than giving it lip service.
He is my son, mom's are supposed to be able to fix things for their kids. I honestly think that his Aism sent me on a guilt trip like none ever before. One day I was listening to a speaker tape and the lady was talking about how she ran around her entire life trying to save them from themselves. Bailing them out of jail, tracking them down for birthdays, anniversary's, holidays you name it.
Then she made a statement that changed my life. She said she had listened to a LOT of speakers from AA when they told their stories. She say's "But you know I have never heard one of them get up on that podium and say "I WAS SAVED BY MY MAMA".
That very moment is when I knew I could not fix this and I indeed had absolutely no control over it. I let go of my son that day on the way home from a FtF meeting. I backed off, let him live his life, minded my own business and let him take care of his. I don't know for sure that he is ok today but I do know that I am on my way to being totally ok. Yes I know I will have slips when I need to go back and work step 1 fwd again, but for today I am OK.
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Everything I have ever let go of has claw marks all over it.
I can accept that I cannot control my alcoholic husband or any other adult, that is sort of obvious, LOL.
If an adult does not want to cooperate with you they can go away from you, that simple, they have the skills to leave and don't have to put with anyone's efforts to control them unless they WANT to. Adults have choices and rights and don't have to put up with anything they chose not to, so you really can't forcibley control an adult, but an adult can willingly cooperate with your attempts to. That is not really control since the other person willingly cooperates.
I think that alcoholism is an illness only in the sense that their bodies metabolize it differently, they seem to get more of a "high" than other people. However, they have to learn to exercise control over it, just like everyone else has to.
Lots of times adults have to exercise control and restraint over pleasureable activities, such as eating (you can't eat a whole chocolate cake for dinner daily and except to be well enough to go to work everyday), watching tv (or you would never get to work), video games (or you could never leave your house to go shopping), or spending (or you will LOSE your house).
But I don't think it is a disease as in they have no control over it.
My husband has taken total breaks from alcohol lasting anywhere from 3 months to nearly two years when he chose to and had a reason to and did it with no problems, with no "relapses". When he went back to drinking it was a planned return, planned in advance, not a slip and then he decided to give up trying to stop.
According to the AA blue book's chapter to wives this means that my husband is not an alcholic, just a "heavy drinker". HAH! That is really a lame explanation, that just because he has some control he must not be a "real alcoholic".
He is a REAL alcoholic alright. Even though he still keeps up his exercise regimene and eats all healthy and goes to work everyday and fulfills his responsibilities, the REST of his leisure time is spent drinking, sleeping it off, driving around to different stores all over the county trying to hide the amount he drinks if he runs into anyone, or trying to defend his right to drink until he pees his pants to me, or cleaning up his pee off the floor or his slobber off of the couch (or worse sometimes he passes out while chewing and the half chewed food falls out of his mouth onto his clothes or the floor and he has to clean that up to)...sigh.
I don't care what any book says, if you plan your TOTAL amount of free time to drinking related pursuits, you are an alcholic alright.
My husband refuses to plan any vacations since he is worried he won't have access to all of the alcohol that he needs and won't know where stores are that have what he likes. He also does not like to have anyone over, and we usually don't, since he is afraid to be caught drinking.
Oh that is another thing. If you drink enough to wet your pants and NOT CARE that is certainly a sign you are an alcoholic.
Yet, with enough motivation, he can stop anytime he wants for as long as he wants. He just truthfully says he has no motivation to stop. Why should he (he says)? He works and supports a family, works a professional job, does everything a "Dad" and "Husband" should do (at least the responsibilitites anyway, he falls definately short in the emotional support and spending time with departments) and it is not illegal or immoral and he pays for his own liqour AFTER he pays the bills. All of his is totally true.
So much for it being a "disease". You can't stop having a "disease" when you WANT TO!
A diabetic cannot "decide" to no longer have diabetes, and a cancer patient cannot "decide" to go into remission.
It is just like telling a healthy person of healthy weight to totally stop eating sugar. Why should they if they are not diabetic and don't have a weight problem? It would be REALLY hard to stop with no motivation. Sugar is unnaturally concentrated and really very unhealthy for most people and will give most people health problems EVENTUALLY (hence the literal EPIDEMIC of diabetes) and if nothign else will rot your teeth. Yet, unless someone has diabetes, it is hard for them to stop eating it.
However, if they developed diabetes, they may probably stop as now they have a motivation.
I am sure my husband is like that, he is healthy as a horse, so far, according to his doctor, thanks to his strict diet and exercise regimine, so he sees nothing wrong with his drinking. However if he had a serious health scare (more serious than losing control of his bladder I guess, LOL) he will probably stop then. Many people on this board have shared that that is what it took for their alcholics to stop drinking, NOT AA, but a serious health scare. That is not a "disease". You can't be scared out of a disease!
He would have to develop a disease to stop drinking...I don't see his drinking something pleasureable as the disease in itself.
That is just my take on it for now, from what I have observed.
Also, my husband has never ever ever gone to work drinking or under the influence in anyway and he has worked multiple jobs at times and had to go for days without drinking. He took these jobs on willingly. If he had a disease, how could he exercise such control? And don't anyone say he must not be a "real alcholic" according the the few friends I have confided in, he is as bad an alcoholic as they come, when it comes to the place alcohol has in their lives. He just happens to be a RESPONSIBLE, HARD WORKING alcoholic. Some people are just irresponsible, and being a drunk has nothing to do with that.
Gardelgal, I relate 100% to this post. (You seem to have finally got it.) I have been beating my head against a wall ever since I discovered I was married to an A. Expecting a different result the next time after using the same action. I have had to work the steps out of order because I STILL think I can triumph over this by seeing him quit forever at my insistence. "So much for step 1. What's next?" I have asked myself. Outwardly I know better, but my soul will not accept that I have no control. Compound that with the fact that I have never been convinced I am dealing with a disease, and....well, there it is. It would be so much easier to blame a "disease" and go from there. I envy those who believe that the A and the disease are two different entities. Oh well, I am trying. Bullheaded, but trying.
Much love, Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
